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MADELINE'S CHRISTMAS
* * (1990, 24 minutes, Unrated)
For the uninitiated, Madeline is a young girl who lives in a Parisian
boarding school with 11 other nameless and less interesting girls.
The girls are looked after by a nun named Miss Clavel, whom
Madeline terrorizes on a regular basis. All of the Madeline stories
(including this one, narrated by Christopher Plummer) are told in
relentlessly sing-songy rhyming verse – even at the risk of not making
a lick of sense. Like this:
* * (1990, 24 minutes, Unrated)
For the uninitiated, Madeline is a young girl who lives in a Parisian
boarding school with 11 other nameless and less interesting girls.
The girls are looked after by a nun named Miss Clavel, whom
Madeline terrorizes on a regular basis. All of the Madeline stories
(including this one, narrated by Christopher Plummer) are told in
relentlessly sing-songy rhyming verse – even at the risk of not making
a lick of sense. Like this:
 |
I must find something to rhyme with “Miss Clavel”
Even if it means pounding my head with a sha-vel.
Even if it means pounding my head with a sha-vel.
Hello! Nolahn here, and as you can see, I've traded
in my rabbit ears for festive antlers because it's that
time of year again.
This holiday season, I wanted to give you something
special. No, nothing like that -- you won't need a
topical cream. This Christmas, The 'Bin is offering
you a gift pack of mini-reviews covering a variety of
Christmas Specials.
You know how the networks have been busting out
all your favorite holiday classics? Flip on the tube
and you're bound to stumble upon the likes of
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Frosty the
Snowman” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”
These are not those Christmas Specials…
in my rabbit ears for festive antlers because it's that
time of year again.
This holiday season, I wanted to give you something
special. No, nothing like that -- you won't need a
topical cream. This Christmas, The 'Bin is offering
you a gift pack of mini-reviews covering a variety of
Christmas Specials.
You know how the networks have been busting out
all your favorite holiday classics? Flip on the tube
and you're bound to stumble upon the likes of
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Frosty the
Snowman” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”
These are not those Christmas Specials…
A VERY BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Deck the halls with best-forgotten cartoons.
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Deck the halls with best-forgotten cartoons.
Anyway, it’s the day before Christmas and the 11 nameless girls and Miss Clavel all get sick,
leaving Madeline to tend to them with all the verve and zip of someone taking NoDoz pills
recreationally. Despite the blizzard-like conditions, some lady shows up to magically clean the
kitchen and feed everyone Miracle Porridge, which immediately cures their ailments. She may or
may not have been a witch.
CHRISTMAS LESSON: If you have love in your heart, you won’t ever get sick or tired. Doesn’t say
much about the rest of us, eh?
leaving Madeline to tend to them with all the verve and zip of someone taking NoDoz pills
recreationally. Despite the blizzard-like conditions, some lady shows up to magically clean the
kitchen and feed everyone Miracle Porridge, which immediately cures their ailments. She may or
may not have been a witch.
CHRISTMAS LESSON: If you have love in your heart, you won’t ever get sick or tired. Doesn’t say
much about the rest of us, eh?
FAT ALBERT'S
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
* * * (1977, 27 minutes, Unrated)
Even though Fat Albert is much more rotund than I remember from
when I was a kid, I still don’t feel right calling him “fat” – it seems
mean for such a sweet-hearted character.
It’s just before Christmas, and Festively Plump Albert and the
junkyard gang are rehearsing their very own Nativity Play. It’s exactly
like in "A Charlie Brown Christmas," except that they’re in a shack in a
junkyard and there’s no audience. This somehow offends the owner
of the junkyard, the pimptastic Tyrone, who threatens to flatter the
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
* * * (1977, 27 minutes, Unrated)
Even though Fat Albert is much more rotund than I remember from
when I was a kid, I still don’t feel right calling him “fat” – it seems
mean for such a sweet-hearted character.
It’s just before Christmas, and Festively Plump Albert and the
junkyard gang are rehearsing their very own Nativity Play. It’s exactly
like in "A Charlie Brown Christmas," except that they’re in a shack in a
junkyard and there’s no audience. This somehow offends the owner
of the junkyard, the pimptastic Tyrone, who threatens to flatter the
gang’s clubhouse with a bulldozer. Apparently, Tyrone has a lot of time on his hands.
Suddenly, a tyke named Marshall shows up at the clubhouse with a sad story: His parents’ car just
broke down outside, they just arrived in the city to discover that the new job Dad was going to take
was eliminated and Mom’s about to give birth. Their very own Nativity Scene!
For the rest of the episode, Festively Plump Albert and the gang have their hands full as they try to
1) find a doctor for Marshall’s mom, 2) keep Tyrone from bulldozing the clubhouse and 3) locate
Marshall, who thought it would make things easier on his parents if they had one less mouth to
feed. Play that funky music, fat boy!
It’s all surprisingly dense for a half-hour show, which isn’t so surprising when you remember that
before Bill Cosby was a grumpy old man who starred in such eyesores as Leonard Part 6 and
Ghost Dad, he was an extremely talented entertainer and civil rights icon with a PhD in Education.
CHRISTMAS LESSON: Self-pity only makes you act like a douche and others miserable. Also,
don’t relocate your family to a new city until you’ve actually been given the job you’re applying to.
Suddenly, a tyke named Marshall shows up at the clubhouse with a sad story: His parents’ car just
broke down outside, they just arrived in the city to discover that the new job Dad was going to take
was eliminated and Mom’s about to give birth. Their very own Nativity Scene!
For the rest of the episode, Festively Plump Albert and the gang have their hands full as they try to
1) find a doctor for Marshall’s mom, 2) keep Tyrone from bulldozing the clubhouse and 3) locate
Marshall, who thought it would make things easier on his parents if they had one less mouth to
feed. Play that funky music, fat boy!
It’s all surprisingly dense for a half-hour show, which isn’t so surprising when you remember that
before Bill Cosby was a grumpy old man who starred in such eyesores as Leonard Part 6 and
Ghost Dad, he was an extremely talented entertainer and civil rights icon with a PhD in Education.
CHRISTMAS LESSON: Self-pity only makes you act like a douche and others miserable. Also,
don’t relocate your family to a new city until you’ve actually been given the job you’re applying to.
101 DALMATIANS CHRISTMAS
* (1997, 22 minutes, Unrated)
Remember the Disney movie, 101 Dalmatians? In that film, Cruella
de Vil and her two-toned hair dognap Roger and Anita’s Dalmatians
puppies so she can make a coat out of them. Yes, really.
Somehow, Disney went on to not only make a television series of the
continuing adventures of these characters, but shoe-horned a
“Christmas Carol” storyline into an episode to make “A Christmas
Cruella.” In order to make that happen, Anita now works for de Vil as
a graphic designer. Repeat: Anita now works for the woman who
once stole her puppies in an attempt to make a coat out of them.
* (1997, 22 minutes, Unrated)
Remember the Disney movie, 101 Dalmatians? In that film, Cruella
de Vil and her two-toned hair dognap Roger and Anita’s Dalmatians
puppies so she can make a coat out of them. Yes, really.
Somehow, Disney went on to not only make a television series of the
continuing adventures of these characters, but shoe-horned a
“Christmas Carol” storyline into an episode to make “A Christmas
Cruella.” In order to make that happen, Anita now works for de Vil as
a graphic designer. Repeat: Anita now works for the woman who
once stole her puppies in an attempt to make a coat out of them.
Also, at some point Roger and Anita picked up a spotted chicken as additional companionship to
the 101 dalmatians.
Okay, so Cruella fires Anita for going home at 6pm on Christmas Eve, and as a result she’s visited
by various dalmatian ghosts (and a spotted chicken ghost, of course) and blah blah blah. It’s all
exhaustingly manic and succeeds in making one of Disney’s more interesting villains less
interesting. In the end, Cruella demonstrates her Christmas spirit by giving everyone office
supplies. It made me wish I had a stapler, so I could staple my eyes shut.
CHRISTMAS LESSON: Give your kid a puppy for Christmas, or your child will grow up to be a
sociopathic harpy obsessed with turning people’s pets into outerwear.
the 101 dalmatians.
Okay, so Cruella fires Anita for going home at 6pm on Christmas Eve, and as a result she’s visited
by various dalmatian ghosts (and a spotted chicken ghost, of course) and blah blah blah. It’s all
exhaustingly manic and succeeds in making one of Disney’s more interesting villains less
interesting. In the end, Cruella demonstrates her Christmas spirit by giving everyone office
supplies. It made me wish I had a stapler, so I could staple my eyes shut.
CHRISTMAS LESSON: Give your kid a puppy for Christmas, or your child will grow up to be a
sociopathic harpy obsessed with turning people’s pets into outerwear.
HE-MAN AND SHE-RA:
A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
* * * * (1985, 51 minutes, Unrated)
All the good guys are at Castle de He-Man -- strangely not Greyskull
-- setting up for the upcoming birthday party for twins Prince Adam
(He-Man) and Princess Adora (She-Ra). It just so happens that
birthday decorations in this world look just like those of “a very
special Earth holiday.”
Fortunately, we don’t have to wait long for Prince Adam to, ahem,
whip out his longsword and become He-Man.
A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
* * * * (1985, 51 minutes, Unrated)
All the good guys are at Castle de He-Man -- strangely not Greyskull
-- setting up for the upcoming birthday party for twins Prince Adam
(He-Man) and Princess Adora (She-Ra). It just so happens that
birthday decorations in this world look just like those of “a very
special Earth holiday.”
Fortunately, we don’t have to wait long for Prince Adam to, ahem,
whip out his longsword and become He-Man.
Floating punchline Orco goes joyriding in a “sky-spy” and casts a poorly worded spell that sends
him to Earth. Orco quickly befriends lost siblings Miguel and Alicia, who promptly lecture Orco on
the ways of Christmas (mostly off-screen). When Man-At-Arms and his Magnum P.I.-stache
teleport Orco back to He-Man Land, the kids inadvertently tag along and begin spreading the
Christmas Spirit anew.
This does’t sit well with Big Evil, so it(?) sends Skeletor and Hordak out to go “defeat the
Christmas Spirit” by kidnapping the Earth kids before they can spread any more holiday platitudes.
There’s a whole weird tangent about the dog-sized Man-chines and their feud with the villainous
giant Monsteroids, which felt like a new toy line shoehorned into the story. That’s all quickly foiled
by He-Man, who I swear cannot fight for more than a minute without making some kind of smart-
mouthed remark. It left me feeling very sympathetic for Skeletor.
Speaking of which, the true gift of this Christmas Special is that Skeletor is the hero.
him to Earth. Orco quickly befriends lost siblings Miguel and Alicia, who promptly lecture Orco on
the ways of Christmas (mostly off-screen). When Man-At-Arms and his Magnum P.I.-stache
teleport Orco back to He-Man Land, the kids inadvertently tag along and begin spreading the
Christmas Spirit anew.
This does’t sit well with Big Evil, so it(?) sends Skeletor and Hordak out to go “defeat the
Christmas Spirit” by kidnapping the Earth kids before they can spread any more holiday platitudes.
There’s a whole weird tangent about the dog-sized Man-chines and their feud with the villainous
giant Monsteroids, which felt like a new toy line shoehorned into the story. That’s all quickly foiled
by He-Man, who I swear cannot fight for more than a minute without making some kind of smart-
mouthed remark. It left me feeling very sympathetic for Skeletor.
Speaking of which, the true gift of this Christmas Special is that Skeletor is the hero.
Skeletor kidnaps the kids and then steals the
show as the Christmas Spirit melts his ice-cold
heart. Skeletor provides warm coats for the
kids, protects them from random monsters and
even engages the kids at their level:
SKELETOR: Tell me more about this
“Christmas.”
MIGUEL: Well, it’s a wonderful time of the year.
Everyone has lots of fun.
SKELETOR: You mean they get in fights?
show as the Christmas Spirit melts his ice-cold
heart. Skeletor provides warm coats for the
kids, protects them from random monsters and
even engages the kids at their level:
SKELETOR: Tell me more about this
“Christmas.”
MIGUEL: Well, it’s a wonderful time of the year.
Everyone has lots of fun.
SKELETOR: You mean they get in fights?
| Skeletor (above) shows that the melting of one's icy heart is not a pleasant feeling. |
And when Skeletor actually helps He-Man and She-Ra stop Big Evil, it’s Skeletor the kids run to
with hugs and thanks. Eat it, He-Man!
CHRISTMAS LESSON: The only reason He-Man keeps defeating Skeletor is because Skeletor
is actually a big softie.
with hugs and thanks. Eat it, He-Man!
CHRISTMAS LESSON: The only reason He-Man keeps defeating Skeletor is because Skeletor
is actually a big softie.