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XANADU
* * * * (1980, 96 minutes, Rated PG)
Hope you like ELO...
IN A HURRY? THEN CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
* * * * (1980, 96 minutes, Rated PG)
Hope you like ELO...
IN A HURRY? THEN CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
This entry into THE GAUNTLET reveals a dirty little secret about yours
truly: As a kid, I loved Xanadu. Loved it.
And with two younger sisters, it was one of the few movies all three of us
truly: As a kid, I loved Xanadu. Loved it.
And with two younger sisters, it was one of the few movies all three of us
1978 was all about two things: Grease and roller-discos. So really, it
was just a matter of time before Hollywood its chocolate Grease into
a vat of roller-disco peanut butter to create Xanadu.
And it wasn’t long before the small film about starting up a roller-
disco snowballed into a giant project. It had Olivia Newton-John, it
had Gene Kelly, it had Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), it had Michael
Beck hot off The Warriors. And it had constant script revisions on the
set as the project grew. You won’t be surprised to hear that the film
did a titanic belly-flop in the box office.
Xanadu is the story of Sonny (Beck, who later said, “The Warriors
opened a lot of doors in film for me, which Xanadu then closed”), a
struggling artist who is about to give up on his dreams. “Guys like
me shouldn’t dream anyway,” Sonny whines as he tosses a
shredded sketch into the air. The sketch flutters around L.A. when…
is that progressive rock I hear?
was just a matter of time before Hollywood its chocolate Grease into
a vat of roller-disco peanut butter to create Xanadu.
And it wasn’t long before the small film about starting up a roller-
disco snowballed into a giant project. It had Olivia Newton-John, it
had Gene Kelly, it had Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), it had Michael
Beck hot off The Warriors. And it had constant script revisions on the
set as the project grew. You won’t be surprised to hear that the film
did a titanic belly-flop in the box office.
Xanadu is the story of Sonny (Beck, who later said, “The Warriors
opened a lot of doors in film for me, which Xanadu then closed”), a
struggling artist who is about to give up on his dreams. “Guys like
me shouldn’t dream anyway,” Sonny whines as he tosses a
shredded sketch into the air. The sketch flutters around L.A. when…
is that progressive rock I hear?
could agree on, so I watched a lot of Xanadu as a kid. My sisters liked all the singing and whatnot. I
loved the special effects, the mythology angle and, like most young lads at that time, Olivia Newton-
John. I so wanted her to be my babysitter.
It was a little surprising when I The idea of going back to this movie 25 years later was a treat, like
having a chance to play your favorite Commodore 64 game again. But would it be another soul-
crushing exercise in mutilating my childhood? Only one way to find out…
loved the special effects, the mythology angle and, like most young lads at that time, Olivia Newton-
John. I so wanted her to be my babysitter.
It was a little surprising when I The idea of going back to this movie 25 years later was a treat, like
having a chance to play your favorite Commodore 64 game again. But would it be another soul-
crushing exercise in mutilating my childhood? Only one way to find out…
| Like many things in life, Grease is to blame. |
Yep, it’s ELO, and there’s a mural of the Greek Muses coming to life with the power of hilariously
bad choreography! All of the muses are outlined in blue, which makes the number look like
bad choreography! All of the muses are outlined in blue, which makes the number look like
| All that's missing are the frisbees. |
something we’d see in TRON: The Musical.
By the way, if TRON: The Musical actually
existed, ELO would be totally appropriate.
At the end of the number, all of the muses go
shooting off in multi-colored beams of light
(see, this really could be TRON: The Musical)
save for one, played by Australian National
Treasure Olivia Newton-John. She opts to
stick around Venice Beach for some roller-
skating. She plows into Sonny and kisses
By the way, if TRON: The Musical actually
existed, ELO would be totally appropriate.
At the end of the number, all of the muses go
shooting off in multi-colored beams of light
(see, this really could be TRON: The Musical)
save for one, played by Australian National
Treasure Olivia Newton-John. She opts to
stick around Venice Beach for some roller-
skating. She plows into Sonny and kisses
him -- the ‘70s version of meeting cute. ONJ then skates off in a beam of light, which Sonny
doesn’t find the least bit odd. Well, he is an artist and it is the ‘70s…
doesn’t find the least bit odd. Well, he is an artist and it is the ‘70s…
“Clunky” is the best way to describe the next half-hour or so of
the film.
We’re treated to workplace banter as Sonny discovers that his
next painting assignment is an album cover with ONJ on it. We
listen to Beck’s clunky, cough syrup-infused line delivery. We
Sonny’s clunky attempts to find ONJ, which includes a clunky
befriending of former big band leader Danny (Gene Kelly).
Turns out that ONJ was once Danny’s muse, too -- check out
Gene Kelly's clunky dreaming of a big band sequence! We
witness a clunky chase scene when Sonny abducts the World’
s Slowest Motorbike to chase after ONJ, resulting in Sonny
driving the bike off the pier. Even the clunky, stuttering wipe
transitions are clunky.
Sonny eventually meets up with ONJ for more roller-skating
with a side of cryptic dialogue. Just to keep things interesting,
the ELO takes a backseat to ONJ’s “Magic” and “Suddenly.”
For all the roller-skating going on in this film, it becomes
frustrating that the filmmakers don’t know how to actually shoot
roller-skating. You’d think they simply left a camera on an
unattended tripod.
the film.
We’re treated to workplace banter as Sonny discovers that his
next painting assignment is an album cover with ONJ on it. We
listen to Beck’s clunky, cough syrup-infused line delivery. We
Sonny’s clunky attempts to find ONJ, which includes a clunky
befriending of former big band leader Danny (Gene Kelly).
Turns out that ONJ was once Danny’s muse, too -- check out
Gene Kelly's clunky dreaming of a big band sequence! We
witness a clunky chase scene when Sonny abducts the World’
s Slowest Motorbike to chase after ONJ, resulting in Sonny
driving the bike off the pier. Even the clunky, stuttering wipe
transitions are clunky.
Sonny eventually meets up with ONJ for more roller-skating
with a side of cryptic dialogue. Just to keep things interesting,
the ELO takes a backseat to ONJ’s “Magic” and “Suddenly.”
For all the roller-skating going on in this film, it becomes
frustrating that the filmmakers don’t know how to actually shoot
roller-skating. You’d think they simply left a camera on an
unattended tripod.
| If Olivia Newton-John wants to get physical, I'm not going to stop her. |
Sonny and Danny eventually have the idea of starting their own nightclub in the same abandoned
building featured on ONJ’s album cover. The art deco exterior is actually pretty cool, but the
interior is a dump and roughly the size of three football fields, but never mind. Their Big Idea,
presented in one of the most unbearable mash-ups I’ve ever heard, is an ‘80s/’40s fusion club.
Yes, the nightclub will merge sounds of ‘80s discount Devo with the ‘40s big band sound that
none of the kid are clamoring for.
ONJ teleports in to recite Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “Kubla Khan,” which is not to be confused
with Koopa Khan. And Xanadu is born.
building featured on ONJ’s album cover. The art deco exterior is actually pretty cool, but the
interior is a dump and roughly the size of three football fields, but never mind. Their Big Idea,
presented in one of the most unbearable mash-ups I’ve ever heard, is an ‘80s/’40s fusion club.
Yes, the nightclub will merge sounds of ‘80s discount Devo with the ‘40s big band sound that
none of the kid are clamoring for.
ONJ teleports in to recite Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “Kubla Khan,” which is not to be confused
with Koopa Khan. And Xanadu is born.
| Koopa Khan (above) is not a fan of the Mario Brothers or ELO. |
With absolutely no talk of business plans or how they’ll
get the start-up collateral for Xanadu, Sonny quits his job
and pos open some champagne with ONJ. And now it’s
time to get trippy! After a few failed attempts to learn more
about ONJ -- really probing stuff, like her last name --
Sonny and ONJ become animated characters in a
deleted scene from Disney’s The Sword and the Stone.
ELO is back with a power-ballading vengeance to let us
know that Sonny and ONJ are now officially in love.
This is followed up by an utterly humiliating scene where
get the start-up collateral for Xanadu, Sonny quits his job
and pos open some champagne with ONJ. And now it’s
time to get trippy! After a few failed attempts to learn more
about ONJ -- really probing stuff, like her last name --
Sonny and ONJ become animated characters in a
deleted scene from Disney’s The Sword and the Stone.
ELO is back with a power-ballading vengeance to let us
know that Sonny and ONJ are now officially in love.
This is followed up by an utterly humiliating scene where
Sonny and ONJ give Gene Kelly an extreme ‘80s makeover, which results in Gene Kelly roller-
skating around a boutique with an army of fashionistas. It’s the kind of unrelentingly cheesy
sequence that can only exist in a musical, only this one can boast directly pooping on a silver
screen legend. On the plus side, we do get to hear ONJ say, “Hot!” in her cute Aussie accent.
As you might imagine, ONJ’s whole not-mortalness becomes an issue, resulting in magical
shenanigans and moping to ELO and a cameo by Zeus, who I swear has the exact same voice
as God in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
skating around a boutique with an army of fashionistas. It’s the kind of unrelentingly cheesy
sequence that can only exist in a musical, only this one can boast directly pooping on a silver
screen legend. On the plus side, we do get to hear ONJ say, “Hot!” in her cute Aussie accent.
As you might imagine, ONJ’s whole not-mortalness becomes an issue, resulting in magical
shenanigans and moping to ELO and a cameo by Zeus, who I swear has the exact same voice
as God in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
You won’t be surprised to learn that the big finish is
the opening of Xanadu… which has jettisoned it’s
‘80s/’40s mash-up in favor of being a straight-up
roller disco? Well, what the hell, everyone seems
be to having a good time.
There’s plenty to snicker at here, and it helps not to
dwell on the fact that this was Gene Kelly’s last
film. But at the end of the day, your enjoyment of
Xanadu is completely contingent on your tolerance
of progressive rock, Olivia Newton-John tunes,
whiny artists and ‘80s high fashion.
the opening of Xanadu… which has jettisoned it’s
‘80s/’40s mash-up in favor of being a straight-up
roller disco? Well, what the hell, everyone seems
be to having a good time.
There’s plenty to snicker at here, and it helps not to
dwell on the fact that this was Gene Kelly’s last
film. But at the end of the day, your enjoyment of
Xanadu is completely contingent on your tolerance
of progressive rock, Olivia Newton-John tunes,
whiny artists and ‘80s high fashion.
