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THE WICKER MAN
* * * * (2006, 98 minutes, Rated R)
"Oh no! Not the bees!"
* * * * (2006, 98 minutes, Rated R)
"Oh no! Not the bees!"
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The original version of The Wicker Man (starring Ed Woodward and the
always awesome Christopher Lee) tells the story of a devout Catholic
cop searching for a girl reported missing in a secluded pagan
community. Moderately successful when it was released in 1973, the
film is a taunt psychological thriller that has grown in critical esteem
over time and still holds up well today. Even knowing the twist at the
end doesn’t rob the film of its effectiveness -- how many movies claim
that?
The 2006 remake of The Wicker Man is none of these things.
It’s not even a pale version of the original. It’s more like a feature-length
version of "Candid Camera" with Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage stars as CHiPs patrolman Edward Malus, largely as an
excuse for Mr. Cage to ride a motorcycle and stop around in big boots.
Malus is on hand for a horrible (and highly improbable) roadside
accident that results in the death of a woman and her bratty daughter.
always awesome Christopher Lee) tells the story of a devout Catholic
cop searching for a girl reported missing in a secluded pagan
community. Moderately successful when it was released in 1973, the
film is a taunt psychological thriller that has grown in critical esteem
over time and still holds up well today. Even knowing the twist at the
end doesn’t rob the film of its effectiveness -- how many movies claim
that?
The 2006 remake of The Wicker Man is none of these things.
It’s not even a pale version of the original. It’s more like a feature-length
version of "Candid Camera" with Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage stars as CHiPs patrolman Edward Malus, largely as an
excuse for Mr. Cage to ride a motorcycle and stop around in big boots.
Malus is on hand for a horrible (and highly improbable) roadside
accident that results in the death of a woman and her bratty daughter.
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| The original 1973 film. Insanely better. |
This makes Malus a Cop On The Edge, which is unquestionably the best kind of cop.
So when Malus receives a letter from his long lost ex-fiance asking him to come to her remote
island commune and find her missing daughter, it’s just the kind of redemption he needs. Malus
does what any of us would do and hits the world famous Health Foods Metropolis Organic Food
Suppliers search engine (how‘s that for product placement!) to do some research on the island of
Summerisle.
So when Malus receives a letter from his long lost ex-fiance asking him to come to her remote
island commune and find her missing daughter, it’s just the kind of redemption he needs. Malus
does what any of us would do and hits the world famous Health Foods Metropolis Organic Food
Suppliers search engine (how‘s that for product placement!) to do some research on the island of
Summerisle.
| Just in case you thoughts I was making that up... |
No phone, no lights, no motor cars.
Not a single luxury. In fact, the
community is so closed off, Malus has
to bribe his way over. Adding to the
alleged spookiness is Malus thinking
he sees the bratty girl-turned-roadkill
from the beginning of the movie.
If you think these "haunting moments"
will lead somewhere, you'll be
disappointed.
Finally at Summerisle, Malus finds the
place to be like "The Twilight Zone"
version of "Little House on the Prairie."
Not a single luxury. In fact, the
community is so closed off, Malus has
to bribe his way over. Adding to the
alleged spookiness is Malus thinking
he sees the bratty girl-turned-roadkill
from the beginning of the movie.
If you think these "haunting moments"
will lead somewhere, you'll be
disappointed.
Finally at Summerisle, Malus finds the
place to be like "The Twilight Zone"
version of "Little House on the Prairie."
This is where the film really beings to feel like an extended episode of "Candid Camera," with the
camera catching every one of Nic Cage's overreactions as townsfolk (almost all women) claim the
missing girl is either not missing or doesn't exist. It quickly begins to feel like everyone is playing a
giant practical joke on Malus, which is the film tipping its hand a little too much.
It takes shockingly little time for Malus' investigation to go off the rails. In one priceless scene, he
barges into a schoolroom run by Molly Parker from "Deadwood." Despite not having a shred of
jurisdiction, Malus commandeers the classroom and breaks the ice with the kids by saying:
camera catching every one of Nic Cage's overreactions as townsfolk (almost all women) claim the
missing girl is either not missing or doesn't exist. It quickly begins to feel like everyone is playing a
giant practical joke on Malus, which is the film tipping its hand a little too much.
It takes shockingly little time for Malus' investigation to go off the rails. In one priceless scene, he
barges into a schoolroom run by Molly Parker from "Deadwood." Despite not having a shred of
jurisdiction, Malus commandeers the classroom and breaks the ice with the kids by saying:
| "I'm a policeman. See my badge?" |
Malus then rips the gradebook out of Parker's hands and starts giving the kids the third degree. It
made me wonder if I missed a scene of Malus eating paint chips.
Malus later stumbles upon a giant bee yard, which means we're treated to a patented Nic Cage
freak-out as he swats the bees away. Non-sequiter moments like these punch the film straight
into Accidental Comedy territory.
Sadly, much of the movie isn't as strange, settling instead for such pseudo excitement like
breaking through the floorboards of the old barn and having a nightmare within a nightmare. And
then there's brain-busting dialog like this:
made me wonder if I missed a scene of Malus eating paint chips.
Malus later stumbles upon a giant bee yard, which means we're treated to a patented Nic Cage
freak-out as he swats the bees away. Non-sequiter moments like these punch the film straight
into Accidental Comedy territory.
Sadly, much of the movie isn't as strange, settling instead for such pseudo excitement like
breaking through the floorboards of the old barn and having a nightmare within a nightmare. And
then there's brain-busting dialog like this:
Willow (Malus' ex): I can't let them do this to me.
Malus: Do what? What is it you're not telling me?
Willow: Forgive me?
Malus: Forgive you for...? I'm lost.
Willow: I don't know.
Malus: Don't worry, it's... you know?
Malus: Do what? What is it you're not telling me?
Willow: Forgive me?
Malus: Forgive you for...? I'm lost.
Willow: I don't know.
Malus: Don't worry, it's... you know?
No, I don't know. What the hell are you two blabbering about?
Know what? It doesn't matter. What matters is that by Chapter 18 on the DVD, Malus has officially
lost the plotline. As the community prepares for a festival, Malus runs around like a maniac,
kicking in doors, yelling and screaming and flipping masks off kids. He commits what might be
Know what? It doesn't matter. What matters is that by Chapter 18 on the DVD, Malus has officially
lost the plotline. As the community prepares for a festival, Malus runs around like a maniac,
kicking in doors, yelling and screaming and flipping masks off kids. He commits what might be
| Leelee Sobieski: So dropkickable. |
the world's first armed bicycle-jacking. Malus then
punches the woman who runs the tavern in the face for
absolutely no reason and drop-kicks Leelee Sobieski,
presumably for her participation in Deep Impact.
And that's all before Malus starts running around in a bear
costume.
We still get the famous twist ending, but without any of the
impact of the original and with 100% more Nic Cage
yelling, "Oh no! Not the bees!"
So let's review. This film features the following:
punches the woman who runs the tavern in the face for
absolutely no reason and drop-kicks Leelee Sobieski,
presumably for her participation in Deep Impact.
And that's all before Malus starts running around in a bear
costume.
We still get the famous twist ending, but without any of the
impact of the original and with 100% more Nic Cage
yelling, "Oh no! Not the bees!"
So let's review. This film features the following:
- Nic Cage as a CHiPs patrolman On The Edge
- Nic Cage giving a clinic on how not to conduct a
missing person investigation - Nic Cage flailing around at bees
- A bike-jacking
- Nic Cage punching a woman in the face
- Nic Cage dropkicking LeeLee Sobieski
- Nic Cage running around in a bear costume
As long as you're not expecting this film to give any kind of justice to the original, it's comic gold.
If you enjoyed this review -- and who didn't? -- and want to read more about this modern
classic, then check out these second opinions and more from our Friends of The 'Bin:
ANOTHER FAILED FILM - MOCK SCRIPT
HELL HORROR - OFFERING BOTH VERSIONS OF THE FILM FOR SALE
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES - FILM REVIEW
OBSCURE HORROR - REVIEW OF ORIGINAL 1973 VERSION OF THE WICKER MAN
STRICTLY SPLATTER - REVIEW OF THE ORIGINAL 1973 VERSION OF THE WICKER MAN
If you enjoyed this review -- and who didn't? -- and want to read more about this modern
classic, then check out these second opinions and more from our Friends of The 'Bin:
ANOTHER FAILED FILM - MOCK SCRIPT
HELL HORROR - OFFERING BOTH VERSIONS OF THE FILM FOR SALE
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES - FILM REVIEW
OBSCURE HORROR - REVIEW OF ORIGINAL 1973 VERSION OF THE WICKER MAN
STRICTLY SPLATTER - REVIEW OF THE ORIGINAL 1973 VERSION OF THE WICKER MAN
Now and then, Nolahn will take a break from reviewing crappy
films no one has ever heard of to review spectacularly bad films
that everyone has heard of. Brace yourself for...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
films no one has ever heard of to review spectacularly bad films
that everyone has heard of. Brace yourself for...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
Nicolas Cage. He's so... Nic Cage-y. In one episode of the Lair of the Unwanted, we counted down our TOP FIVE MOST MEMORABLE NIC CAGE PERFORMANCES. Here are mine: 5) Kick-Ass. I didn't enjoy this movie as much as I thought I would, but Nic Cage impersonating Adam West was brilliant on so many levels. 4) Wild at Heart. Nic Cage channels Elvis in this underrated film, which might be David Lynch's most coherent movie to date. 3) Adaptation. For my money, the performance of Cage's career. Nicolas Cage is a revelation in this quasi-meta story playing both (the real) Charlie and (fictional) Donald Kaufman. For someone who has become known for his hammy performances, this is a rare instance where Cage disappears into the roll. 2) Raising Arizona. This role made Cage’s career. Even if you haven’t seen this film since it came out, this is probably what you think of when you think “Nic Cage.” 1) The Rock. Alright, let me qualify this: For better or worse, this film is the template for nearly every Nicolas Cage vehicle since. The Rock calls for Nic Cage to be more dorky egghead than action hero -- he even has dorky freakouts! -- yet still creditably be able to keep up, and he pulls it off. Nic Cage has been playing the brainy ass-kicker since. Honorable Mentions? I haven't seen The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans, but have a hunch that it would make this list... Face/Off didn't make the list because Cage and Travolta put me in a ham coma... The Wicker Man didn't make the list because I don't think Cage is actually acting in it. |
| "PULLING A NIC CAGE" A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |