 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
WATERWORLD
* * * (1995, 135 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Like sand up in your bathing suit, these are the days of Waterworld.
They just don't make movies like they used to.
Way, way back in the heady days of 1995, it was still possible for a major movie studio could still
back an absurdly bloated project that runs over-budget and is plagued by various problems on set
to the point where the star fires the director and finishes the film himself. Today, films have "a
disappointing showing" and quietly move on to DVD. But Waterworld was a full-on box office
catastrophe.
But was it really that bad? Let's find out.
IN A WORLD... where the polar ice caps have melted, flooding the entire planet (yeah, like that
could happen)... where no man is an island, Kevin Costner is that island. He is "The Mariner."
* * * (1995, 135 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Like sand up in your bathing suit, these are the days of Waterworld.
They just don't make movies like they used to.
Way, way back in the heady days of 1995, it was still possible for a major movie studio could still
back an absurdly bloated project that runs over-budget and is plagued by various problems on set
to the point where the star fires the director and finishes the film himself. Today, films have "a
disappointing showing" and quietly move on to DVD. But Waterworld was a full-on box office
catastrophe.
But was it really that bad? Let's find out.
IN A WORLD... where the polar ice caps have melted, flooding the entire planet (yeah, like that
could happen)... where no man is an island, Kevin Costner is that island. He is "The Mariner."
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
This entry into THE GAUNTLET comes in the form of a direct
challenge from the guys at Cool Awesome Movies. Ventilation Shaft
and Magnum are experts in films that are both cool and awesome, so
when I asked them to recommend a film for THE GAUNTLET, before
challenge from the guys at Cool Awesome Movies. Ventilation Shaft
and Magnum are experts in films that are both cool and awesome, so
when I asked them to recommend a film for THE GAUNTLET, before
When we first meet Costner's Mariner, he's peeing into a jar.
He then dumps his urine into a contraption that Rube
Goldbergs around until it comes out a faucet for him to drink.
So appropriate on so many levels.
The Mariner lives alone on his tricked-out catamaran, fully
outfitted with a variety of gizmos and a lime tree. He engages
in the occasional terse trade with fellow drifters and dodges
"Smokers," which are exactly like the ridiculous villains in The
Road Warrior, but on waterskis.
In fact, Road Warrior is a pretty good comparison: In this photo
negative of Beyond Thunderdome, dirt is the most precious
He then dumps his urine into a contraption that Rube
Goldbergs around until it comes out a faucet for him to drink.
So appropriate on so many levels.
The Mariner lives alone on his tricked-out catamaran, fully
outfitted with a variety of gizmos and a lime tree. He engages
in the occasional terse trade with fellow drifters and dodges
"Smokers," which are exactly like the ridiculous villains in The
Road Warrior, but on waterskis.
In fact, Road Warrior is a pretty good comparison: In this photo
negative of Beyond Thunderdome, dirt is the most precious
they headed out for a much deserved break, I knew they'd pick something that was aggressively
un-cool and un-awesome.
The result was... all too shocking.
un-cool and un-awesome.
The result was... all too shocking.
| Not this kind of Mariner. |
commodity. And the Mariner has dirt, which means he can trade for a tomato plant and everything.
The Mariner is living high on the hog until the locals discover his dirty little secret:
Kevin Costner's Mariner has gills and webbed feet.
The Mariner is living high on the hog until the locals discover his dirty little secret:
Kevin Costner's Mariner has gills and webbed feet.
| Just like this. |
The locals throw the Mariner into a cage begin basting him in lemon. Just when he's about to be
"recycled" (i.e., drowned in a septic tank), the Smokers attack en mass, led by a scene-devouring
Dennis Hopper. Once you get past wondering where the Smokers get their endless supply of
gas and ammo, it's actually a very exciting sequence. That Kevin Costner spends nearly all of it
about to drown in a pool of crap is strangely fitting.
The Mariner manages to escape on his catamaran with a MILFy barmaid (Jeanne Tripplehorn)
and her young ward, Enola (Deb in Napoleon Dynamite), who just so happens to have a map to
the fabled "Dryland" tattooed on her back. I don’t know what kind of sick person tattoos a kid, but
there you go. Hopper loses an eye during the Big Escape, which later leads to some glass
eyeball hijinks. He wants the map to Dryland and revenge for his eye, so the chase is on.
"recycled" (i.e., drowned in a septic tank), the Smokers attack en mass, led by a scene-devouring
Dennis Hopper. Once you get past wondering where the Smokers get their endless supply of
gas and ammo, it's actually a very exciting sequence. That Kevin Costner spends nearly all of it
about to drown in a pool of crap is strangely fitting.
The Mariner manages to escape on his catamaran with a MILFy barmaid (Jeanne Tripplehorn)
and her young ward, Enola (Deb in Napoleon Dynamite), who just so happens to have a map to
the fabled "Dryland" tattooed on her back. I don’t know what kind of sick person tattoos a kid, but
there you go. Hopper loses an eye during the Big Escape, which later leads to some glass
eyeball hijinks. He wants the map to Dryland and revenge for his eye, so the chase is on.
| Jeanne Tripplehorn (above) is too tasteful to have any cheesecake pics floating around the Internets. Sorry. |
Now you might think that the Mariner would be happy to have
some company -- particularly the comely Ms. Tripplehorn --
onboard. You’d be wrong. Almost immediately, the Mariner
starts bitching about how there isn’t enough drinking water for
the three of them, conveniently forgetting that he has a gizmo
that converts urine into drinkable water. Desperate for him to
let her and Enola stay onboard, the Tripplehorn's MILFy
barmaid offers herself up (nice butt, by the way). Not only
does the Mariner turn her down, he wacks her in the head with
a paddle just so she’s be quiet for a while.
That’s right: Kevin Costner’s Mariner -- our hero -- is a dick.
I haven’t researched it (largely because I can’t be bothered),
but I am confident there are a number of reviews out there the
decry the misogyny of the film. And certainly, the Mariner
spends a fair chunk of the film being a complete douche to
the MILFy barmaid and Enola. But in retrospect, the Mariner
spends most of the move being a complete douche to
everyone. It’s a bit startling coming from Costner, who usually
brings a heap of gee-golly-goshness to his roles. In a
strange way, I found it… refreshing? Maybe I was just in the
mood to laugh at inappropriate things. I can see how the
Mariner would be off-putting for many people, but the
character struck me as “delightfully dickish.”
some company -- particularly the comely Ms. Tripplehorn --
onboard. You’d be wrong. Almost immediately, the Mariner
starts bitching about how there isn’t enough drinking water for
the three of them, conveniently forgetting that he has a gizmo
that converts urine into drinkable water. Desperate for him to
let her and Enola stay onboard, the Tripplehorn's MILFy
barmaid offers herself up (nice butt, by the way). Not only
does the Mariner turn her down, he wacks her in the head with
a paddle just so she’s be quiet for a while.
That’s right: Kevin Costner’s Mariner -- our hero -- is a dick.
I haven’t researched it (largely because I can’t be bothered),
but I am confident there are a number of reviews out there the
decry the misogyny of the film. And certainly, the Mariner
spends a fair chunk of the film being a complete douche to
the MILFy barmaid and Enola. But in retrospect, the Mariner
spends most of the move being a complete douche to
everyone. It’s a bit startling coming from Costner, who usually
brings a heap of gee-golly-goshness to his roles. In a
strange way, I found it… refreshing? Maybe I was just in the
mood to laugh at inappropriate things. I can see how the
Mariner would be off-putting for many people, but the
character struck me as “delightfully dickish.”
Of course, it’s practically a by-law in the movies that the Innocence of a Child will melt even the
most dickish of hearts, and Waterworld is no exception. Soon the Mariner is giving Lil’ Enola
swimming lessons (the world is flooded, and she can’t swim!) and discovering that his heart has
grown three sizes.
If I were a cynical man (I tend to be, but only after hours), I’d say that whole character arc was
included just to add emotional heft for when Hopper’s Smokers finally catch up and kidnap the
kid. Scratch that: The Mariner’s relationship with Enola was definitely included just to add
emotional heft for when Hopper’s Smokers finally catch up and kidnap the kid. But what the hell?
It finally gives Costner a chance to storm around the Smokers’ home base (the Exxon Valdez!)
and go all Die Hard on their asses. There’s fighting and shooting and swashbuckly action and
explosions and suspect CGI, leading up to a laughable bungee-jump rescue. It’s all pretty
satisfying.
In fact, despite the corniness and the crater-sized plot holes and the ending that plays out too
long, I… I kinda… lik--
Look, it’s worth noting that right before I put this movie on, I was subjected to a stunningly terrible
reality show on TLC (redundant, I know). The Lovely Mrs. Nolahn made me watch it, perhaps as
penance for all the crappy movies I’ve subjected her to. “Oh oh! The cupcakes aren‘t ready yet!”
Who gives a shit! After those soul-sucking 30 minutes, I probably would have liked 136 minutes of
static just as much.
Waterworld may be one of the most (intentionally) enjoyable film of the Crap of the Titans
pantheon. Take that for what it’s worth.
most dickish of hearts, and Waterworld is no exception. Soon the Mariner is giving Lil’ Enola
swimming lessons (the world is flooded, and she can’t swim!) and discovering that his heart has
grown three sizes.
If I were a cynical man (I tend to be, but only after hours), I’d say that whole character arc was
included just to add emotional heft for when Hopper’s Smokers finally catch up and kidnap the
kid. Scratch that: The Mariner’s relationship with Enola was definitely included just to add
emotional heft for when Hopper’s Smokers finally catch up and kidnap the kid. But what the hell?
It finally gives Costner a chance to storm around the Smokers’ home base (the Exxon Valdez!)
and go all Die Hard on their asses. There’s fighting and shooting and swashbuckly action and
explosions and suspect CGI, leading up to a laughable bungee-jump rescue. It’s all pretty
satisfying.
In fact, despite the corniness and the crater-sized plot holes and the ending that plays out too
long, I… I kinda… lik--
Look, it’s worth noting that right before I put this movie on, I was subjected to a stunningly terrible
reality show on TLC (redundant, I know). The Lovely Mrs. Nolahn made me watch it, perhaps as
penance for all the crappy movies I’ve subjected her to. “Oh oh! The cupcakes aren‘t ready yet!”
Who gives a shit! After those soul-sucking 30 minutes, I probably would have liked 136 minutes of
static just as much.
Waterworld may be one of the most (intentionally) enjoyable film of the Crap of the Titans
pantheon. Take that for what it’s worth.
