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ALL TOO SHOCKING 2: MOVIES I HATE
In which Nolahn loses friends and alienates readers.
I was listening in to The Demented Encyclopedia the other day, as I am wont to do. I was looking
forward to this edition, and not because my partner in podcasting (Jason Soto of Invasion of the B-
Movies) was a special guest, but because I was intrigued by the topic: films everyone loves but
they hate. You can check it out here.
What a great topic. It’s like the inverse of a Bin Special I did a while back. I wish I’d come up with
the idea.
I just wish they didn’t screw it up.
That's right, lads: Ya screwed it up! Seriously, There Will Be Blood? Requiem of a Dream? 2001:
A Space Odyssey? Know who likes those movies? NOBODY. Maybe movie critics and Academy
voters, but they don’t count. Those films are brilliantly acted and expertly put together, but nobody
likes them. Nobody pops those movies in the player at the end of a hard day at work.
(Jason gets a pass from this rant for calling out Blade Runner. Doc Ach, Official Science Officer of
the Bargain Bin Review, would literally eat Jason’s face off for such a statement. For his big balls,
Jason’s reward is that I won’t tell Doc Ach what he said.)
Looks like it falls to ol’ Nolahn to show these pups how it’s done. Behold, my list of the FIVE
MOVIES EVERYONE LOVES THAT I HATE.
Please note that these films are not listed by how much I hate the film, but by how much crap I’d
get for saying I hate the film.
In which Nolahn loses friends and alienates readers.
I was listening in to The Demented Encyclopedia the other day, as I am wont to do. I was looking
forward to this edition, and not because my partner in podcasting (Jason Soto of Invasion of the B-
Movies) was a special guest, but because I was intrigued by the topic: films everyone loves but
they hate. You can check it out here.
What a great topic. It’s like the inverse of a Bin Special I did a while back. I wish I’d come up with
the idea.
I just wish they didn’t screw it up.
That's right, lads: Ya screwed it up! Seriously, There Will Be Blood? Requiem of a Dream? 2001:
A Space Odyssey? Know who likes those movies? NOBODY. Maybe movie critics and Academy
voters, but they don’t count. Those films are brilliantly acted and expertly put together, but nobody
likes them. Nobody pops those movies in the player at the end of a hard day at work.
(Jason gets a pass from this rant for calling out Blade Runner. Doc Ach, Official Science Officer of
the Bargain Bin Review, would literally eat Jason’s face off for such a statement. For his big balls,
Jason’s reward is that I won’t tell Doc Ach what he said.)
Looks like it falls to ol’ Nolahn to show these pups how it’s done. Behold, my list of the FIVE
MOVIES EVERYONE LOVES THAT I HATE.
Please note that these films are not listed by how much I hate the film, but by how much crap I’d
get for saying I hate the film.
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#5: HOME ALONE (1990)
The Love: The highest grossing live action comedy of all time
in the States... Was #1 in the box office for 12 straight weeks...
Remained a Top 10 box office draw for five months... 85%
Freshness from the Rotten Tomatoes community.
Why I Hate It: It would be easy to tool on this movie for
subjecting us to more films directed by Chris Columbus or for
making Macaulay Culkin a household name, but that would
simply be retrospective hate.
No, I was hating this movie while I was watching it in the
theater. Believe it or not, I was disgusted by the violence.
Obviously Home Alone doesn't contain the kind of violence
that one might find in a movie like Kick-Ass, but I think that's
The Love: The highest grossing live action comedy of all time
in the States... Was #1 in the box office for 12 straight weeks...
Remained a Top 10 box office draw for five months... 85%
Freshness from the Rotten Tomatoes community.
Why I Hate It: It would be easy to tool on this movie for
subjecting us to more films directed by Chris Columbus or for
making Macaulay Culkin a household name, but that would
simply be retrospective hate.
No, I was hating this movie while I was watching it in the
theater. Believe it or not, I was disgusted by the violence.
Obviously Home Alone doesn't contain the kind of violence
that one might find in a movie like Kick-Ass, but I think that's
what made it worse. Put it this way: "Looney Tune" cartoons are violent, but kids don't take it
seriously because even a little kid can sort out that the action isn't real. But taking that kind of
violence into a live action film -- especially one targeted to kids -- could easily give kids the idea
that you could whack someone in the head with a paint can or cause someone to fall down a fight
of stairs or step on a nail, and it'd be okay.
All I could think about while watching this in the theaters is the crowded ERs from various Home
Alone-related incidents. I was all of 16 at the time.
seriously because even a little kid can sort out that the action isn't real. But taking that kind of
violence into a live action film -- especially one targeted to kids -- could easily give kids the idea
that you could whack someone in the head with a paint can or cause someone to fall down a fight
of stairs or step on a nail, and it'd be okay.
All I could think about while watching this in the theaters is the crowded ERs from various Home
Alone-related incidents. I was all of 16 at the time.
#4: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN:
CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL
(2003)
The Love: Single-handedly rescued the pirate genre and
spawned a movie franchise that's made well over $1 billion...
Won Johnny Depp a SAG Award and an MTV Movies Award as
well as Oscar and Golden Globe nominations... 78%
Freshness from the T-Meter Critics at Rotten Tomatoes and a
94% Freshness from the Rotten Tomatoes community... Won
the People's Choice Award for Favorite Motion Picture.
Why I Hate It: Zzzzzzzzz--zruk huh? Are they still fighting? Oh,
okay.
I love action movies. But the action should, you know, mean
something. Anything. And it was all pointless filler here -- 143
minutes of white noise.
CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL
(2003)
The Love: Single-handedly rescued the pirate genre and
spawned a movie franchise that's made well over $1 billion...
Won Johnny Depp a SAG Award and an MTV Movies Award as
well as Oscar and Golden Globe nominations... 78%
Freshness from the T-Meter Critics at Rotten Tomatoes and a
94% Freshness from the Rotten Tomatoes community... Won
the People's Choice Award for Favorite Motion Picture.
Why I Hate It: Zzzzzzzzz--zruk huh? Are they still fighting? Oh,
okay.
I love action movies. But the action should, you know, mean
something. Anything. And it was all pointless filler here -- 143
minutes of white noise.
Here's every scene of the movie:
CHARACTER 1: Hey you! I have a sword, and I want to [do this]!
CHARACTER 2: Oh yeah? Well, I don't want you to [do this], and I too have a sword!
CHARACTER 1: Let's fight!
FightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightJUMPINGfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfi
ghtfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightHAHAHAfightfightfightfightfightfigh
tfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightBOOMGoesTheDynamitefightfightfightfightfightfig
htfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfi
ghtMOREJUMPINGfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightBOOMBOOMBADABOOMfightfightfightfightfi
ghtfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfight and into the water
unscathed!
Also, if I wanted to see Johnny Depp be offbeat and androgynous, I'd watch a Tim Burton movie.
COMING UP: Nolahn sets the Internet on fire when he calls out some greatly
loved fanboy movies.
CHARACTER 1: Hey you! I have a sword, and I want to [do this]!
CHARACTER 2: Oh yeah? Well, I don't want you to [do this], and I too have a sword!
CHARACTER 1: Let's fight!
FightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightJUMPINGfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfi
ghtfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightHAHAHAfightfightfightfightfightfigh
tfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightBOOMGoesTheDynamitefightfightfightfightfightfig
htfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfi
ghtMOREJUMPINGfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightBOOMBOOMBADABOOMfightfightfightfightfi
ghtfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfight and into the water
unscathed!
Also, if I wanted to see Johnny Depp be offbeat and androgynous, I'd watch a Tim Burton movie.
COMING UP: Nolahn sets the Internet on fire when he calls out some greatly
loved fanboy movies.