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PLANET OF THE APES
* * * (2001, 119 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Re-Imagine all the Apes, living for today…
Leave it to Ol' Nolahn to remember things that happened
more than 30 seconds ago: This movie was a very big deal.
Back in the dawn of the '00s (pronounced around here as
"The OOOHs!" as in "Oh no!" and "Oh shit, that did NOT just
happen!"), Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes had some mad
hype around it. Tim Burton had been rocking Hollywood for
about 15 years straight -- the closest he had to a bomb
during that time was Mars Attacks!, which, by the way, is
pretty funny. The film headlined Mark Wahlberg, coming off
of Three Kings and The Perfect Storm. And most intriguing
of all: Burton insisted that this wasn't a remake but a "re-
imagining," the precursor to today's reboots. Yes, there
was epic hype around this film.
* * * (2001, 119 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Re-Imagine all the Apes, living for today…
Leave it to Ol' Nolahn to remember things that happened
more than 30 seconds ago: This movie was a very big deal.
Back in the dawn of the '00s (pronounced around here as
"The OOOHs!" as in "Oh no!" and "Oh shit, that did NOT just
happen!"), Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes had some mad
hype around it. Tim Burton had been rocking Hollywood for
about 15 years straight -- the closest he had to a bomb
during that time was Mars Attacks!, which, by the way, is
pretty funny. The film headlined Mark Wahlberg, coming off
of Three Kings and The Perfect Storm. And most intriguing
of all: Burton insisted that this wasn't a remake but a "re-
imagining," the precursor to today's reboots. Yes, there
was epic hype around this film.
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And then... Well, let's see what the folks over at Rotten Tomatoes, who gave the film a 45%
freshness rating, had to say:
"Call it a letdown, worsened by the forces of shoddy screenwriting." --
Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
"...you might say the human element is lacking. And that ending? Possibly
written by a chimp." -- John Anderson, Newsday
"Ten years from now, it will be the 1968 version that people are still
renting." -- Roger Ebert, Superstar
Turns out that Mr. Ebert was quite right. While the movie did very well at the box office (earning
nearly double its budget in the U.S. alone), no one is bragging about it.
freshness rating, had to say:
"Call it a letdown, worsened by the forces of shoddy screenwriting." --
Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
"...you might say the human element is lacking. And that ending? Possibly
written by a chimp." -- John Anderson, Newsday
"Ten years from now, it will be the 1968 version that people are still
renting." -- Roger Ebert, Superstar
Turns out that Mr. Ebert was quite right. While the movie did very well at the box office (earning
nearly double its budget in the U.S. alone), no one is bragging about it.
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This review is part of our special MAY SWEEPS
month here at the Bargain Bin Review, where
I'll take on some of the choice films featured
on WPNY's "Magnificent Movies @ 8." Which I
just happen to host.
For more, you can check out a comparison of
the 1968 and 2001 Planets of the Apes over at
Rachel's Reel Reviews.
Shall we see what went wrong?
We open with a monkey astronaut trying to fly a space pod. Unsurprisingly, the monkey is a crappy
pilot and begins to go ape (ha ha -- and you wonder why I‘m an Internet sensation). Mark
Wahlberg pulls the plug on the simulator and gives his monkey an earful.
We're on the space station "USAF Oberon" in the year 2029 -- something for us to look forward to --
and much to the chagrin of Leo (Wahlberg), everyone is busy training monkeys to pilot space pods.
It's an elongated prologue that’s exhausting to describe and we really could have done without.
Long story short: Leo's monkey screws up 10 seconds into a flight through some kind of space
storm, so Leo goes after it. Everything gets all whirly-swirly, the digital calendar on Leo’s space
pod (so useful!) starts clocking forwards, and Leo lands in the title locale.
Time to send in the Apes! Our title simians are in hot pursuit of a human stampede, and between
We open with a monkey astronaut trying to fly a space pod. Unsurprisingly, the monkey is a crappy
pilot and begins to go ape (ha ha -- and you wonder why I‘m an Internet sensation). Mark
Wahlberg pulls the plug on the simulator and gives his monkey an earful.
We're on the space station "USAF Oberon" in the year 2029 -- something for us to look forward to --
and much to the chagrin of Leo (Wahlberg), everyone is busy training monkeys to pilot space pods.
It's an elongated prologue that’s exhausting to describe and we really could have done without.
Long story short: Leo's monkey screws up 10 seconds into a flight through some kind of space
storm, so Leo goes after it. Everything gets all whirly-swirly, the digital calendar on Leo’s space
pod (so useful!) starts clocking forwards, and Leo lands in the title locale.
Time to send in the Apes! Our title simians are in hot pursuit of a human stampede, and between
| We're not saying that the apes in 2001's Planet of the Apes looked like this... just that they really, really reminded us of this. |
the pointy helmets and the super-leaping abilities, I can't help but
think of the Flying Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I somehow
doubt that was the vibe the filmmakers were going for.
Once captured, we meet our ape all-stars: Michael Clark Duncan
as the giant heavy, Paul Giamatti (who can rock a supporting role,
even when buried in mounds of latex) as some sort of human
slave trader and Helena Bonham Carter as a bleeding heart
human rights activist. It's hard to tell if the filmmakers are
mocking her character's efforts or paying tribute to them. Either
way, I distinctly remember some tabloid running a picture of HBC
in full ape makeup alongside a picture of Michael Jackson. It's
probably not a good sign when I can remember that better than
the film itself.
And then there's Tim Roth as the film's antagonist, General
Thade. For reasons I don't understand, Thade spends a lot of
time leaping around unnecessarily and sniffing others. Is he
asserting himself as the Alpha Male of the film? Does he have a
weird sniffing fetish? It's hard not to think that if there's anyone in
this film that really takes it on the chin, it's Mr. Roth.
think of the Flying Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I somehow
doubt that was the vibe the filmmakers were going for.
Once captured, we meet our ape all-stars: Michael Clark Duncan
as the giant heavy, Paul Giamatti (who can rock a supporting role,
even when buried in mounds of latex) as some sort of human
slave trader and Helena Bonham Carter as a bleeding heart
human rights activist. It's hard to tell if the filmmakers are
mocking her character's efforts or paying tribute to them. Either
way, I distinctly remember some tabloid running a picture of HBC
in full ape makeup alongside a picture of Michael Jackson. It's
probably not a good sign when I can remember that better than
the film itself.
And then there's Tim Roth as the film's antagonist, General
Thade. For reasons I don't understand, Thade spends a lot of
time leaping around unnecessarily and sniffing others. Is he
asserting himself as the Alpha Male of the film? Does he have a
weird sniffing fetish? It's hard not to think that if there's anyone in
this film that really takes it on the chin, it's Mr. Roth.
For an action movie, there's not a lot of action. Chunks of the film are bogged down with extended
political dinner discussions, political intrigue and heavy-handed racial allegory. That last bit is
actually a major weakness of the film: it can't tell if it wants to go the more traditional route of having
humans and apes switch roles or be a film about slavery. It's certainly hard to go the same route
as the 1968 original when, unlike the original, all of the humans are able to speak. And it's just
flat-out strange that the apes in this film would think of human children as "pets" when they can
have two-way conversations with them.
Leo, along with HBC, leads a pack of humans to freedom, and somehow word travels around that
he's The Man or whatever. It all leads up to a face-off with Thade's army, where Leo rallies the
troops thusly:
"C'mon! This is the day you've waited for! This is the day you stand up to
the apes! Now, c'mon!"
Not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, is it?
Overall, Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes isn't a terrible film... but it is an aggressively mediocre film.
Worse, it doesn't feel like a Tim Burton film. Hell, this could very well be Brett Ratner's Planet of the
Apes.
And yes, the twist ending is totally stupid.
political dinner discussions, political intrigue and heavy-handed racial allegory. That last bit is
actually a major weakness of the film: it can't tell if it wants to go the more traditional route of having
humans and apes switch roles or be a film about slavery. It's certainly hard to go the same route
as the 1968 original when, unlike the original, all of the humans are able to speak. And it's just
flat-out strange that the apes in this film would think of human children as "pets" when they can
have two-way conversations with them.
Leo, along with HBC, leads a pack of humans to freedom, and somehow word travels around that
he's The Man or whatever. It all leads up to a face-off with Thade's army, where Leo rallies the
troops thusly:
"C'mon! This is the day you've waited for! This is the day you stand up to
the apes! Now, c'mon!"
Not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, is it?
Overall, Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes isn't a terrible film... but it is an aggressively mediocre film.
Worse, it doesn't feel like a Tim Burton film. Hell, this could very well be Brett Ratner's Planet of the
Apes.
And yes, the twist ending is totally stupid.
| '12 Binnie Winner! |