That movie? Zombie Strippers.
I'm assuming that this movie is about strippers who become zombies, because if it's about
zombies who become strippers, it should be titled Stripper Zombies. Either way, look for the
review next week.
Until then, it should be interesting to see what appears first: zombie gore or boobies. I'm putting
my money on boobies.
9:13 PM. Zombie Gore 1, Boobies 0.
9:45 PM. Time for nachos.
I'm assuming that this movie is about strippers who become zombies, because if it's about
zombies who become strippers, it should be titled Stripper Zombies. Either way, look for the
review next week.
Until then, it should be interesting to see what appears first: zombie gore or boobies. I'm putting
my money on boobies.
9:13 PM. Zombie Gore 1, Boobies 0.
9:45 PM. Time for nachos.
PARTY OF ONE
A New Year's log of one man's fight to party.
A New Year's log of one man's fight to party.
| Studies show that nachos (above) make everything better. |
10:50 PM. The movie is over -- very
educational -- and I'm ready for another drink.
I remember many a New Year's party where
we'd invent our own cocktails. Like in 2000,
where we made good use of Blue Curacao to
make a martini dubbed "Tidy Bowl 2000" and
educational -- and I'm ready for another drink.
I remember many a New Year's party where
we'd invent our own cocktails. Like in 2000,
where we made good use of Blue Curacao to
make a martini dubbed "Tidy Bowl 2000" and
a variation of a Long Island Iced Tea we named "Long Island Sound."
Unfortunately, I don't keep the most well-stocked bar these days. I'm out of gin and have never
been big on vodka. Here's what I do have:
That should be enough to work with. I'll just play it by ear.
11:00 PM. Okay, that was a really bad idea.
11:20 PM. Having just scrubbed my mouth clean, I guess now is as good a time as any to
come up with this year's New Year's resolution.
Long ago, I learned the secret to making a New Year's resolution stick. All those resolutions
like "work out" or "get organized" or "lose weight"? Forget it. Your best bet is topick something
that is aggressively trivial. Something like, "Put all comments in shared documents at work in
teal."
Though I have to say, the one time I picked a substantial resolution -- "drastically change my life"
-- I was getting ready to leave the country eight months later.
11:25 PM. I've got nothin'. Even the fresh cocktail isn't helping.
Unfortunately, I don't keep the most well-stocked bar these days. I'm out of gin and have never
been big on vodka. Here's what I do have:
- Scotch
- Rum
- Tequila
- Triple-Sec
- Amaretto
- Sake
- Port wine
- A horrific substance known as Zwack (right)
That should be enough to work with. I'll just play it by ear.
11:00 PM. Okay, that was a really bad idea.
11:20 PM. Having just scrubbed my mouth clean, I guess now is as good a time as any to
come up with this year's New Year's resolution.
Long ago, I learned the secret to making a New Year's resolution stick. All those resolutions
like "work out" or "get organized" or "lose weight"? Forget it. Your best bet is topick something
that is aggressively trivial. Something like, "Put all comments in shared documents at work in
teal."
Though I have to say, the one time I picked a substantial resolution -- "drastically change my life"
-- I was getting ready to leave the country eight months later.
11:25 PM. I've got nothin'. Even the fresh cocktail isn't helping.
Since I can't settle on a resolution and am creatively bankrupt,
I'll let you pick one for me from a bunch of half-assed ideas.
11:30 PM. Time to flip the telly over to the absurdly titled "Dick
Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2009."
Seriously? Was this thing named by a committee of Japanese
game show producers?
There's some girl with way too much blue eye shadow
squawking at the numerous frozen attendees in Times
Square. She's pretty terrible. Hell, she's making Seacrest look
like a polished professional broadcaster. How did she get this
gig -- did she win a contest or something? Apparently not.
Here comes The Seacrest, winding up to introduce The Jonas
Brothers. I understand that they're big with the kids these
days. Also, they really are brothers.
(Hey, it's not a given. The Thompson Twins were neither twins
I'll let you pick one for me from a bunch of half-assed ideas.
11:30 PM. Time to flip the telly over to the absurdly titled "Dick
Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2009."
Seriously? Was this thing named by a committee of Japanese
game show producers?
There's some girl with way too much blue eye shadow
squawking at the numerous frozen attendees in Times
Square. She's pretty terrible. Hell, she's making Seacrest look
like a polished professional broadcaster. How did she get this
gig -- did she win a contest or something? Apparently not.
Here comes The Seacrest, winding up to introduce The Jonas
Brothers. I understand that they're big with the kids these
days. Also, they really are brothers.
(Hey, it's not a given. The Thompson Twins were neither twins
nor named Thompson... Ugh, Thompson Twins jokes. I am old.)
Naturally, I'm expecting the Jonas Brothers to be the musical equivalent of having the enamel
shaved off my teeth. And... not bad. I have to respect the fact that they actually sang and played
instruments, especially with it being like two degrees in NYC tonight. They've certainly done
"ABC's Dick Clark's New Year's Rock'em Sock'em Eve with American Idol's Ryan Seacrest in
Times Square 2009 A.D." proud.
Oh. Oh no.
Maybe I'm just a cold bastard, but someone needs to take Dick Clark aside and tell him that it's
time to step aside. I admire the fact that he has worked like hell to get it together after his
stroke, and his mind is clearly still sharp, but this is... not good.
Also: Dude, you're almost 80 years old. It's okay for you to look not young. Whoever is trying to
make you look like America's Oldest Teenager is only succeeding in making you look like
America's Youngest Crypt Keeper.
Though, I have to say... Watching Dick Clark makes me think about the nature of life. Maybe
there's more out there than taking cheap shots at people doing what they love to do. Maybe it
doesn't matter that these people not necessarily great at whatever it is they're doing, but that
they're actually doing it rather than sitting on the sidelines like Captain Asshat in his bathrobe
and bunny ears. Maybe I should r--
Yay! My wife's home!
12:01 AM. Have yourself a very happy 2009! -- Nolahn
Naturally, I'm expecting the Jonas Brothers to be the musical equivalent of having the enamel
shaved off my teeth. And... not bad. I have to respect the fact that they actually sang and played
instruments, especially with it being like two degrees in NYC tonight. They've certainly done
"ABC's Dick Clark's New Year's Rock'em Sock'em Eve with American Idol's Ryan Seacrest in
Times Square 2009 A.D." proud.
Oh. Oh no.
Maybe I'm just a cold bastard, but someone needs to take Dick Clark aside and tell him that it's
time to step aside. I admire the fact that he has worked like hell to get it together after his
stroke, and his mind is clearly still sharp, but this is... not good.
Also: Dude, you're almost 80 years old. It's okay for you to look not young. Whoever is trying to
make you look like America's Oldest Teenager is only succeeding in making you look like
America's Youngest Crypt Keeper.
Though, I have to say... Watching Dick Clark makes me think about the nature of life. Maybe
there's more out there than taking cheap shots at people doing what they love to do. Maybe it
doesn't matter that these people not necessarily great at whatever it is they're doing, but that
they're actually doing it rather than sitting on the sidelines like Captain Asshat in his bathrobe
and bunny ears. Maybe I should r--
Yay! My wife's home!
12:01 AM. Have yourself a very happy 2009! -- Nolahn
| The official taste of death. |
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