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LAST ACTION HERO
* * * (1993, 131 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Giving new meaning to the term "star vehicle."
In the world of Last Action Hero, young Danny is a super-fan of a maverick cop played by the
biggest movie star in the world, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
To the Gen-Yers and Millenials reading this, that statement must sound like crazy pills. That guy?
The ex-Governor of California with the kooky accent and the scandalous divorce? He was the
biggest movie star in the world?
For a time, yes. During the ’80s, he’d grown from “guy with big muscles” to star of good action
films. Check out this five-year stretch of films, starting in 1987: Predator, The Running Man and
Total Recall -- and showing off his comedy chops for the first time in Twins and Kindergarten Cop
-- leading up to Terminator 2. If you’re too young to remember, then I can’t emphasize enough how
big a hit Terminator 2 was. It was the kind of big summer event movie that studios are constantly
aiming for and rarely achieve. Hell, I’m not a big fan of the Terminator films, and I saw T2 in the
theater four times.
* * * (1993, 131 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Giving new meaning to the term "star vehicle."
In the world of Last Action Hero, young Danny is a super-fan of a maverick cop played by the
biggest movie star in the world, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
To the Gen-Yers and Millenials reading this, that statement must sound like crazy pills. That guy?
The ex-Governor of California with the kooky accent and the scandalous divorce? He was the
biggest movie star in the world?
For a time, yes. During the ’80s, he’d grown from “guy with big muscles” to star of good action
films. Check out this five-year stretch of films, starting in 1987: Predator, The Running Man and
Total Recall -- and showing off his comedy chops for the first time in Twins and Kindergarten Cop
-- leading up to Terminator 2. If you’re too young to remember, then I can’t emphasize enough how
big a hit Terminator 2 was. It was the kind of big summer event movie that studios are constantly
aiming for and rarely achieve. Hell, I’m not a big fan of the Terminator films, and I saw T2 in the
theater four times.
 |
So by 1993, when Last Action
Hero came around, the idea of
Ahnold being the biggest movie
star in the world wasn’t so
ridiculous. The film, with it’s
movie-within-a-movie structure,
is clearly meant to be a love
letter to Hollywood (and action
films in particular). Unfortunately,
it feels more like a love letter to
Schwarzenegger, an idea that
hasn’t aged well.
The story: Danny is the world’s
biggest film junkie, often
skipping school to catch
Hero came around, the idea of
Ahnold being the biggest movie
star in the world wasn’t so
ridiculous. The film, with it’s
movie-within-a-movie structure,
is clearly meant to be a love
letter to Hollywood (and action
films in particular). Unfortunately,
it feels more like a love letter to
Schwarzenegger, an idea that
hasn’t aged well.
The story: Danny is the world’s
biggest film junkie, often
skipping school to catch
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
| "Chill out, dickwad." |
matinees of Schwarzenegger movies. Enabling Danny is his widowed mother (who covers up for
him to the school) and the projectionist (Art Carney) for New York City’s most old school movie
house. The early portion of the film is thickly padded good hammy action-movie-within-an-action-
movieness. Though I was amused by Schwarzenneger as an ass-kicking Hamlet, it‘s easy to see
how this blatant Ahnold love fest earned such a backlash.
And then, as if to make a point, we see young Danny stick his head out the door of his apartment
and get held at knifepoint. The point, of course, is that New York City is an awful place to live.
After surviving that bit of nastiness, Danny heads to the movie house where the projectionist gives
him a “magic ticket” from Harry Houdini. The irony alone might have resurrected Houdini, who was
him to the school) and the projectionist (Art Carney) for New York City’s most old school movie
house. The early portion of the film is thickly padded good hammy action-movie-within-an-action-
movieness. Though I was amused by Schwarzenneger as an ass-kicking Hamlet, it‘s easy to see
how this blatant Ahnold love fest earned such a backlash.
And then, as if to make a point, we see young Danny stick his head out the door of his apartment
and get held at knifepoint. The point, of course, is that New York City is an awful place to live.
After surviving that bit of nastiness, Danny heads to the movie house where the projectionist gives
him a “magic ticket” from Harry Houdini. The irony alone might have resurrected Houdini, who was
a famed debunker of the supernatural. Well, turns out that
ticket really is magic, and while watching the latest
installment of the Jack Slater series, Danny is accidentally
blasted through the screen and into the film.
The next hour or so aims to be a very meta buddy cop
movie: Jack Slater (Schwarzenegger) is saddled with this
kid who seems to be talking crazy but knows way too much
about him and the case he‘s investigating. Naturally, the
black police chief who is always shouting makes them
partners.
There’s the makings of a clever movie here, but
unfortunately, this stretch of the film can’t decide if it’s a
parody or a critique. It does a great job playing with the kind
of fast and loose laws of physics big budget action movies
are known for, and it has a lot of the banter down with lines
like “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’re going to
live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has to offer: acne,
shaving, premature ejaculation and your first divorce.” The
“logic” of the movie universe is another matter. It’s hard to
ticket really is magic, and while watching the latest
installment of the Jack Slater series, Danny is accidentally
blasted through the screen and into the film.
The next hour or so aims to be a very meta buddy cop
movie: Jack Slater (Schwarzenegger) is saddled with this
kid who seems to be talking crazy but knows way too much
about him and the case he‘s investigating. Naturally, the
black police chief who is always shouting makes them
partners.
There’s the makings of a clever movie here, but
unfortunately, this stretch of the film can’t decide if it’s a
parody or a critique. It does a great job playing with the kind
of fast and loose laws of physics big budget action movies
are known for, and it has a lot of the banter down with lines
like “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’re going to
live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has to offer: acne,
shaving, premature ejaculation and your first divorce.” The
“logic” of the movie universe is another matter. It’s hard to
| Harry Houdini (above), clearly unamused by being connected to a "magic movie ticket" in Last Action Hero. |
reconcile Slater confessing to the loneliness of his life to Danny (in a scene that felt like a glimpse
of the character’s life that you wouldn’t see in an action movie) with Slater matter-of-factly
conversing with a fellow cop who happens to be a cartoon cat.
of the character’s life that you wouldn’t see in an action movie) with Slater matter-of-factly
conversing with a fellow cop who happens to be a cartoon cat.
| Whiskers (above), is probably still waiting by the phone for his spin-off film. |
The one character who actually believes Danny’s
story is Benedict, the glass-eyed chief henchman
of the film’s main villain. Benedict steals the
magic ticket stub and heads into our universe
with Slater and Danny in hot pursuit. And again,
we have the makings of a clever movie, but it
doesn’t quite come together.
There’s some good fun with Slater and Benedict
coming to terms with the laws of our universe --
one can’t make a car explode with a single bullet,
punching in a car window with your fist hurts, etc.
But then comes what inadvertently becomes the
film’s most scathing commentary: After walking
story is Benedict, the glass-eyed chief henchman
of the film’s main villain. Benedict steals the
magic ticket stub and heads into our universe
with Slater and Danny in hot pursuit. And again,
we have the makings of a clever movie, but it
doesn’t quite come together.
There’s some good fun with Slater and Benedict
coming to terms with the laws of our universe --
one can’t make a car explode with a single bullet,
punching in a car window with your fist hurts, etc.
But then comes what inadvertently becomes the
film’s most scathing commentary: After walking
through some of the sketchier sections of New York City, Benedict test a theory by gunning down a
car mechanic. No sirens, no shouts for help. He checks his watch. Benedict shoots him again,
then shouts that he’s just shot a man in cold blood, and the only response is a distant shout for
him to shut up.
I can’t tell which is more brutal: That this scene plays 30 years after the rape and murder of Kitty
Genovese or that it’s played for laughs.
It's not all chuckles for the fictional folk. Seeing himself on a giant billboard puts Slater in an
(understandable) existential crisis, but he seems to get over it as it if were merely some mental
indigestion. Once Slater arrives in our universe, doesn’t he stop being a fictional character and
become real? Or is Slater’s existence tethered to Schwarzenegger’s? A philosophy major would
have had a field day with this concept; clearly, this film wasn’t made by philosophy majors.
Sadly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of missed opportunities. Slater only shows
glimpses of curiosity about our universe, and Benedict shows none at all. Granted, he’s busy with
the idea to recruit a gang of famous movie villains -- another potentially fantastic concept. He
teases us with the prospect of assembling a crew with the likes of Freddy Krueger, Dracula and
Hannibal Lecter, but all we get is… the trying-too-hard serial killer from Jack Slater III.
Really? I get that there are copyright issues with the characters of Freddy and Hannibal Lecter, but
why not pull in some public domain baddies like Dracula, Mr. Hyde or Professor Moriarty? It’s been
done before, and it was awesome. Sure, Death (Ian McKellen) from Ingmar Bergman’s The
car mechanic. No sirens, no shouts for help. He checks his watch. Benedict shoots him again,
then shouts that he’s just shot a man in cold blood, and the only response is a distant shout for
him to shut up.
I can’t tell which is more brutal: That this scene plays 30 years after the rape and murder of Kitty
Genovese or that it’s played for laughs.
It's not all chuckles for the fictional folk. Seeing himself on a giant billboard puts Slater in an
(understandable) existential crisis, but he seems to get over it as it if were merely some mental
indigestion. Once Slater arrives in our universe, doesn’t he stop being a fictional character and
become real? Or is Slater’s existence tethered to Schwarzenegger’s? A philosophy major would
have had a field day with this concept; clearly, this film wasn’t made by philosophy majors.
Sadly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of missed opportunities. Slater only shows
glimpses of curiosity about our universe, and Benedict shows none at all. Granted, he’s busy with
the idea to recruit a gang of famous movie villains -- another potentially fantastic concept. He
teases us with the prospect of assembling a crew with the likes of Freddy Krueger, Dracula and
Hannibal Lecter, but all we get is… the trying-too-hard serial killer from Jack Slater III.
Really? I get that there are copyright issues with the characters of Freddy and Hannibal Lecter, but
why not pull in some public domain baddies like Dracula, Mr. Hyde or Professor Moriarty? It’s been
done before, and it was awesome. Sure, Death (Ian McKellen) from Ingmar Bergman’s The
| Better would have been recruiting Dracula. Best? Having Dracula played by Sir Ian McKellen. |
Seventh Seal makes a cameo in the real universe, and I’m
all for having more Sir Ian in any given film, but I can’t
imagine the summer popcorn crowd appreciating the
appearance.
So Benedict and “Ripper” team up to for evil shenanigans at
the film premiere of Jack Slade IV, which means we get the
inevitable Ahnold-playing-Ahnold self-consciousness,
followed up by Slade meeting Ahnold. And you can probably
guess at this point that, for a film that strove to either parody
or skewer action movies, we get a pretty cliché action movie
finish.
Which is pretty disappointing. No, the film isn’t bad -- it’s
actually a lot of fun in parts, hence the three asterisks. But
there are enough really fantastic ideas here for at least four
films, and Last Action Hero doesn’t deliver on any of them.
all for having more Sir Ian in any given film, but I can’t
imagine the summer popcorn crowd appreciating the
appearance.
So Benedict and “Ripper” team up to for evil shenanigans at
the film premiere of Jack Slade IV, which means we get the
inevitable Ahnold-playing-Ahnold self-consciousness,
followed up by Slade meeting Ahnold. And you can probably
guess at this point that, for a film that strove to either parody
or skewer action movies, we get a pretty cliché action movie
finish.
Which is pretty disappointing. No, the film isn’t bad -- it’s
actually a lot of fun in parts, hence the three asterisks. But
there are enough really fantastic ideas here for at least four
films, and Last Action Hero doesn’t deliver on any of them.