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JURY DUTY: THE MOVIE
Do your duty.
We open on a gang of renaissance fair rejects, which is one of the last things I expected to see in
a movie about jury duty (The last thing? Archer Monkeys). One of the rejects is bound up and being
ushered somewhere. Amazingly, he doesn't threaten to cast a fireball at 'em.
A narrator talks about how justice in the old days consisted of Trial By Ordeal. This poor bastard,
the narrator says (I'm summarizing) is about to be thrown in a lake. If he sinks, he's innocent.
Ka-plunk! The guy sinks and everyone cheers. Yay?
Hey everyone, it's TV's Ed Bradley! He's gonna tell us all about jury duty, right after these credits.
Do your duty.
We open on a gang of renaissance fair rejects, which is one of the last things I expected to see in
a movie about jury duty (The last thing? Archer Monkeys). One of the rejects is bound up and being
ushered somewhere. Amazingly, he doesn't threaten to cast a fireball at 'em.
A narrator talks about how justice in the old days consisted of Trial By Ordeal. This poor bastard,
the narrator says (I'm summarizing) is about to be thrown in a lake. If he sinks, he's innocent.
Ka-plunk! The guy sinks and everyone cheers. Yay?
Hey everyone, it's TV's Ed Bradley! He's gonna tell us all about jury duty, right after these credits.
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After the credits, we're treated -- and for once, I'm not
being facetious -- to a montage of regular joes
complaining about how much it sucks to be called in for
jury duty. That earned a lot of laughs.
Ed Bradley returns to take us through the history of
justice, starting all the way back in ancient Greece. He
basically presents a laundry list of hysterically terrible
things mankind has done in the name of "justice":
packing the court with cronies, throwing juries in jail for
failing to find the accused guilty, trials by ordeal, trails by
might, etc.
being facetious -- to a montage of regular joes
complaining about how much it sucks to be called in for
jury duty. That earned a lot of laughs.
Ed Bradley returns to take us through the history of
justice, starting all the way back in ancient Greece. He
basically presents a laundry list of hysterically terrible
things mankind has done in the name of "justice":
packing the court with cronies, throwing juries in jail for
failing to find the accused guilty, trials by ordeal, trails by
might, etc.
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A few weeks ago, Nolahn was summoned for jury duty. You can read more about it
here.
As you might know, one of the first things that happens during the jury selection
process is that the entire jury pool is shown a movie about jury duty. Most people
grumble, wishing they were somewhere else. But for Nolahn, the movie was like
catnip.
Here it is, the World Exclusive Review of...
here.
As you might know, one of the first things that happens during the jury selection
process is that the entire jury pool is shown a movie about jury duty. Most people
grumble, wishing they were somewhere else. But for Nolahn, the movie was like
catnip.
Here it is, the World Exclusive Review of...
| You are still missed, Mr. Bradley. |
Today, Ed Bradley tells us, the right to a fair trial can only be ensured by We The People. No
pressure.
It's Perry Mason! Alright!!
pressure.
It's Perry Mason! Alright!!
Then Diane Sawyer chimes in to dismiss this great, classic program as "an exaggeration" and
"melodrama" and "just a TV show." Thanks for ruining my entire day, Diane Sawyer. Next I'll find
out that the judge isn't a crusty old curmudgeon who delights in putting people in their place.
(he wasn't)
Diane Sawyer gives us the who's who of everyone in the courtroom and takes us through the flow
of a trial, which everyone already knows from such exaggerated melodrama as "Perry Mason."
Take that, Sawyer! Ms. ABC World News then promises that we'll find the entire process
fascinating. I'm holding her to that.
The movie should have ended there, but it keeps going. We get a montage of various Halls of
Justice. I noticed one that was conspicuously missing.
"melodrama" and "just a TV show." Thanks for ruining my entire day, Diane Sawyer. Next I'll find
out that the judge isn't a crusty old curmudgeon who delights in putting people in their place.
(he wasn't)
Diane Sawyer gives us the who's who of everyone in the courtroom and takes us through the flow
of a trial, which everyone already knows from such exaggerated melodrama as "Perry Mason."
Take that, Sawyer! Ms. ABC World News then promises that we'll find the entire process
fascinating. I'm holding her to that.
The movie should have ended there, but it keeps going. We get a montage of various Halls of
Justice. I noticed one that was conspicuously missing.
The film ends with a montage of regular joes talking about how great our justice system is.
Hilariously, one of the joes suggests that our system is not perfect due to the "human element"
involved. Clearly, the solution is in the next evolution of justice: Trial By Robot.
Hilariously, one of the joes suggests that our system is not perfect due to the "human element"
involved. Clearly, the solution is in the next evolution of justice: Trial By Robot.
| Who can we get on the case? We need Perry Mason. Someone to put you in place. Calling Perry Mason again. Ah-ah-ah-ah-again. |
| MEANWHILE, at the Hall of Justice... |