Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
ISHTAR
* (1987, 107 minutes, Rated PG-13)
American Idol: Morocco
It's not just my taste in films that's horribly askew, it's my taste in music as well. So like in high
school, when everyone was listening to Nirvana and Metallica non-stop, I was cruising around
town in my 1989 Chevy Chivette blasting the likes of Sandler & Young, Tom Jones and Dick
Contino. Cuz nothing says "bad-assed disenfranchised youth" like accordion music.
* (1987, 107 minutes, Rated PG-13)
American Idol: Morocco
It's not just my taste in films that's horribly askew, it's my taste in music as well. So like in high
school, when everyone was listening to Nirvana and Metallica non-stop, I was cruising around
town in my 1989 Chevy Chivette blasting the likes of Sandler & Young, Tom Jones and Dick
Contino. Cuz nothing says "bad-assed disenfranchised youth" like accordion music.
See, there's a reason why he's called the World's Greatest Accordion Player.
Anyway, my point being that I often like my music like my movies: so bad it's good. So believe me
when I tell you that the main problem with Ishtar isn't that it's about two songwriters who write
terrible songs and can't sing. The problem is that there is no joy or humor in the badness of the
songs -- they're simply bad. In other words, the film centers around a single gag and bungles the
gag. Ishtar, you fail.
Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty star as a songwriting duo that aspires to be the next Simon &
Garfunkel. Unfortunately, they stink. They invite an agent to hear their act, and instead of walking
out during the act or telling them off, the agent offers them a gig in Morocco. It's a lousy gig for
terrible pay, but in the real world, the only thing an agent would offer these guys is to sit and spin.
Anyway, my point being that I often like my music like my movies: so bad it's good. So believe me
when I tell you that the main problem with Ishtar isn't that it's about two songwriters who write
terrible songs and can't sing. The problem is that there is no joy or humor in the badness of the
songs -- they're simply bad. In other words, the film centers around a single gag and bungles the
gag. Ishtar, you fail.
Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty star as a songwriting duo that aspires to be the next Simon &
Garfunkel. Unfortunately, they stink. They invite an agent to hear their act, and instead of walking
out during the act or telling them off, the agent offers them a gig in Morocco. It's a lousy gig for
terrible pay, but in the real world, the only thing an agent would offer these guys is to sit and spin.
While our talentless twosome consider the offer, we're treated to an extended flashback of how
Warren met Dustin. Outside of their shared inability to see how talentless the other is, it's not
particularly interesting. Or funny, as this mercifully brief "highlight" clip illustrates.
Warren met Dustin. Outside of their shared inability to see how talentless the other is, it's not
particularly interesting. Or funny, as this mercifully brief "highlight" clip illustrates.
Ayeah, Hoffman plays the suave ladies man and Beatty plays the awkward one. Comedy!
They fly into Ishtar and don't even leave the airport before Dustin Hoffman surrenders his passport
and luggage to the first hottie he sees. Here's a travel advisory tip for you: DON'T DO THAT. From
that point, the two are somehow caught up in some kind of Indiana Jones-lite intrigue involving the
CIA, "left-wing radicals" and "incognito" secret agents. They wind up lost in the desert with a blind
camel, shooting grenades at helicopters. I'm making it all sound much wackier than it is.
Also, their act is a big hit in Morocco. It's a coin flip as to which is more absurd.
"It's supposed to be absurd!" the Ishtar defenders would argue. And yes, Ishtar does have its
defenders -- they're the ones TiVo-ing Glenn Beck every night. Well, okay, I'll concede that Ishtar is
absurd. But if you want to laugh at bad singing, go watch the first couple episodes in a new
season of "American Idol."
They fly into Ishtar and don't even leave the airport before Dustin Hoffman surrenders his passport
and luggage to the first hottie he sees. Here's a travel advisory tip for you: DON'T DO THAT. From
that point, the two are somehow caught up in some kind of Indiana Jones-lite intrigue involving the
CIA, "left-wing radicals" and "incognito" secret agents. They wind up lost in the desert with a blind
camel, shooting grenades at helicopters. I'm making it all sound much wackier than it is.
Also, their act is a big hit in Morocco. It's a coin flip as to which is more absurd.
"It's supposed to be absurd!" the Ishtar defenders would argue. And yes, Ishtar does have its
defenders -- they're the ones TiVo-ing Glenn Beck every night. Well, okay, I'll concede that Ishtar is
absurd. But if you want to laugh at bad singing, go watch the first couple episodes in a new
season of "American Idol."
There's a reason why Ishtar is synonymous with "box office flop": it's
not remotely funny (intentionally or otherwise) or entertaining or even
remotely interesting.
This movie is so dull, I can't even get worked up enough to hate it.
This movie is so dull, I actually went back and upgraded my rating of
Catwoman.
not remotely funny (intentionally or otherwise) or entertaining or even
remotely interesting.
This movie is so dull, I can't even get worked up enough to hate it.
This movie is so dull, I actually went back and upgraded my rating of
Catwoman.
| Simon says, "Don't pull me into this -- I've seen better film on teeth." |
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