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I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
* * (2007, 100 minutes, Rated R)
A cornucopia of clichés.
Selecting a film to review this week was something of a feat: It had long been planned that
February 2010 would be "Heart-On for Valentine's Day" Month, featuring erotic thrillers. Also, the
theme for February 2010's B-Movie Meatloaf is "Torture Porn." Also also, I only review bad movies.
Was there some magical film that could qualify as a bad erotic torture movie?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present I Know Who Killed Me.
Of course, not only could this movie be considered both an erotic thriller and torture porn, it could
be considered a psychological thriller, a murder mystery, a family drama, or, if you're like me, an
accidental comedy. It's been said that any story fits into one of seven basic plots, and this film uses
all seven.
Let's see if I can untangle this mess: We open with Star Magazine's Lindsay Lohan pole dancing
through the opening credits. I strongly believe this only exists because "see Lindsay Lohan pole
dance" was on some filmmaker's bucket list.
* * (2007, 100 minutes, Rated R)
A cornucopia of clichés.
Selecting a film to review this week was something of a feat: It had long been planned that
February 2010 would be "Heart-On for Valentine's Day" Month, featuring erotic thrillers. Also, the
theme for February 2010's B-Movie Meatloaf is "Torture Porn." Also also, I only review bad movies.
Was there some magical film that could qualify as a bad erotic torture movie?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present I Know Who Killed Me.
Of course, not only could this movie be considered both an erotic thriller and torture porn, it could
be considered a psychological thriller, a murder mystery, a family drama, or, if you're like me, an
accidental comedy. It's been said that any story fits into one of seven basic plots, and this film uses
all seven.
Let's see if I can untangle this mess: We open with Star Magazine's Lindsay Lohan pole dancing
through the opening credits. I strongly believe this only exists because "see Lindsay Lohan pole
dance" was on some filmmaker's bucket list.
 |
We then hop over to Ms. Lohan reading some
intensely trite story. She is Aubrey Fleming, a young
artist on her way to Yale, a skilled pianist and a
budding capital-W Writer, which means we're treated
to an obligatory scene of her tapping away at a laptop
and fiddling with a wall of Post-It Notes. Just like a
real writer. To drive home the point that Aubrey is a
very serious young lady who would never ever do any
pole dancing, Ms. Lohan studied up at the Tara Reid
Acting School for Real Smart Ladies and sports a
stylish pair of glasses.
Then a bunch of stuff happens. I don't know if it's all
about foreshadowing or establishing character, but it
primarily an excuse for the director to show off a lot of
camera tricks, play with color saturations, swoosh
around, trot out the occasional photo negative
transition... Stuff I consider "cinematic masturbation"
because it serves no other purpose than to gratify the
director ("Look how Creative I am!").
intensely trite story. She is Aubrey Fleming, a young
artist on her way to Yale, a skilled pianist and a
budding capital-W Writer, which means we're treated
to an obligatory scene of her tapping away at a laptop
and fiddling with a wall of Post-It Notes. Just like a
real writer. To drive home the point that Aubrey is a
very serious young lady who would never ever do any
pole dancing, Ms. Lohan studied up at the Tara Reid
Acting School for Real Smart Ladies and sports a
stylish pair of glasses.
Then a bunch of stuff happens. I don't know if it's all
about foreshadowing or establishing character, but it
primarily an excuse for the director to show off a lot of
camera tricks, play with color saturations, swoosh
around, trot out the occasional photo negative
transition... Stuff I consider "cinematic masturbation"
because it serves no other purpose than to gratify the
director ("Look how Creative I am!").
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
| "She's lovely... But can we have a scene of her pole dancing?" |
GAH! This film is TORTURE! It’s almost unbearable! It's -- oh, not yet.
After attending The Big Game, Aubrey is abducted by -- I kid you not -- a member of the Blue Man
After attending The Big Game, Aubrey is abducted by -- I kid you not -- a member of the Blue Man
Group. And here comes the actual torture part. Yes,
it’s icky. I never got this kind of stuff: It’s not scary or
interesting, just uncomfortable to watch. Congrats
on making your film unenjoyable, filmmakers! Yay,
you!
Aubrey turns up two weeks later, minus a few body
parts and, apparently, her memory. She insists that
she’s a perpetually cranky stripper named Dakota
Moss. For reasons never made clear, she all but
refuses to cooperate with the inept investigators
(who all have hilarious movie names like “Phil
Lazarus”).
it’s icky. I never got this kind of stuff: It’s not scary or
interesting, just uncomfortable to watch. Congrats
on making your film unenjoyable, filmmakers! Yay,
you!
Aubrey turns up two weeks later, minus a few body
parts and, apparently, her memory. She insists that
she’s a perpetually cranky stripper named Dakota
Moss. For reasons never made clear, she all but
refuses to cooperate with the inept investigators
(who all have hilarious movie names like “Phil
Lazarus”).
| Of course, performance art is its own special kind of torture... |
After getting a robot hand, just like Luke Skywalker at the end of The Empire Strikes Back,
Aubrey/Dakota is released into the custody of Aubrey’s parents (played by actual quality actors
Neal McDonough and Julia Ormond, apparently being punished for something), and suddenly the
film wanders into “naughty sitcom” territory.
Aubrey/Dakota is released into the custody of Aubrey’s parents (played by actual quality actors
Neal McDonough and Julia Ormond, apparently being punished for something), and suddenly the
film wanders into “naughty sitcom” territory.
First, Aubrey/Dakota drags Aubrey’s boyfriend up to her room
to bang him senseless -- and to allow “shoot graphic yet
nudity-free sex scene with Lindsay Lohan” off some
filmmaker’s bucket list -- while Aubrey’s mom scrubs
frantically at the kitchen sink, trying to pretend she can’t hear
what’s going on. Afterwards, we’re treated to Aubrey’s
boyfriend running from FBI agent to FBI agent, asking if they
have a condom to spare.
The film kicks back into junior varsity David Lynch territory
with an abrupt and disorienting flashback before getting into
the heart of sorting out what the hell is going on. I’d figured
out the identity of the Blue Man Group abductor early on, so
having to sit through “hints” with the subtlety of a falling anvil
grew old in a hurry. I’ll admit that the film kept my interest,
but only because I wanted to see what other nuggets of crap
the film would pull out of the air.
Speaking of which, yes, there is a moment where Lindsay
Lohan turns to another character and breathlessly
announces, “I know who killed me!”
to bang him senseless -- and to allow “shoot graphic yet
nudity-free sex scene with Lindsay Lohan” off some
filmmaker’s bucket list -- while Aubrey’s mom scrubs
frantically at the kitchen sink, trying to pretend she can’t hear
what’s going on. Afterwards, we’re treated to Aubrey’s
boyfriend running from FBI agent to FBI agent, asking if they
have a condom to spare.
The film kicks back into junior varsity David Lynch territory
with an abrupt and disorienting flashback before getting into
the heart of sorting out what the hell is going on. I’d figured
out the identity of the Blue Man Group abductor early on, so
having to sit through “hints” with the subtlety of a falling anvil
grew old in a hurry. I’ll admit that the film kept my interest,
but only because I wanted to see what other nuggets of crap
the film would pull out of the air.
Speaking of which, yes, there is a moment where Lindsay
Lohan turns to another character and breathlessly
announces, “I know who killed me!”
| Sadly, this photo of Ms. Lohan taken for New York Magazine is both sexier and more revealing than her sex scene in I Know Who Killed Me. |
Okay, so there’s a lot that’s wrong with this movie. By far, its biggest problem is that the film is
constructed almost entirely of movie clichés. Here is a list of common movie clichés that can be
found in this film:
constructed almost entirely of movie clichés. Here is a list of common movie clichés that can be
found in this film:
- Protagonist is a Writer
- Gimmicky Serial Killer
- Use of Color as Foreshadowing
- Memory Loss
- Supernatural Phenomenon
- Ineffective Law Enforcement
- Family Secrets
- Mistaken Identity
- Split Personalities
- Actor Playing Identical Twins
- Dream Sequence
- (alt. ending) It Was All In His/Her Head
What? No time travel?
Don‘t get me wrong -- I like movies with one or two of these clichés mixed in, too. But you don't mix
them all in, any more than you'd stir fry together your favorite foods. Know what I'd get if I fried up
swordfish, cheddar cheese, chocolate, potatoes, buffalo wings, cookies 'n cream ice cream,
French onion dip, broccoli, curry and kielbasa together? Sick.
Don‘t get me wrong -- I like movies with one or two of these clichés mixed in, too. But you don't mix
them all in, any more than you'd stir fry together your favorite foods. Know what I'd get if I fried up
swordfish, cheddar cheese, chocolate, potatoes, buffalo wings, cookies 'n cream ice cream,
French onion dip, broccoli, curry and kielbasa together? Sick.
Looking for a second opinion? Because when we're talking about a film
this famously bad, a whole lot of quality sites have taken their shots at it.
May we recommend...
this famously bad, a whole lot of quality sites have taken their shots at it.
May we recommend...
Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews
Fred [The Wolf]'s Full Moon Reviews
24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog's I Know Who Killed Me Bingo
An Invasion of the B-Movies' Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match
Champion, Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews
Fred [The Wolf]'s Full Moon Reviews
24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog's I Know Who Killed Me Bingo
An Invasion of the B-Movies' Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match
Champion, Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews
You may have noticed that I haven't taken many cheap shots at Ms. Lohan's expense. I certainly could have. In fact, it would have been easy. Even without all the tabloid fodder, Lindsay Lohan is a gorgeous, talented actress who is actively flat and unsexy in this film. But there is all that tabloid fodder... Maybe that excellent monologue Craig Ferguson gave a while back struck a chord. Maybe there's a kernel of actual sympathy deep within my charred lump of coal of a heart. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't help but feel for some of these showbiz kids -- Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, the Olsen twins, etc. -- who have grown up and come of age under a microscope. Their every misstep has been amplified and broadcast nationally. Nationally! Can you imagine if every screw-up you made in your youth was front page news? So, for those showbiz kids like Lindsay Lohan who, for all their fame and success, haven't had the freedom to do incredibly stupid things in the privacy of their own circle of friends and family, The 'Bin will pass on piling it on. You're welcome. But for the rest of you tabloid trolls, desperate for any kind of publicity -- I'm talking about all the reality TV "personalities," distributors of their own celebrity sex tapes and "stars" of MTV shows -- it's on. |
| IN DEFENSE OF LINDSAY, BRITNEY, ETC. A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |