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HOUSE OF THE DEAD
* (2003, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Game over, man!
IN A HURRY? THEN CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Know what’s not a good sign when you pop in a DVD? No previews, no commercials, no public
service announcements about the evils of pirating movies, just straight to a title page reading
“Insert Coin(s).” That’s a bad sign, because it tells you two things right away: This film is not good
enough to warrant previews, commercials or PSAs, and the film is based on a video game.
* (2003, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Game over, man!
IN A HURRY? THEN CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Know what’s not a good sign when you pop in a DVD? No previews, no commercials, no public
service announcements about the evils of pirating movies, just straight to a title page reading
“Insert Coin(s).” That’s a bad sign, because it tells you two things right away: This film is not good
enough to warrant previews, commercials or PSAs, and the film is based on a video game.
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
This selection for THE GAUNTLET comes by way of a direct challenge
from Lair of the Unwanted cohort, Jason Soto of Invasion of the
B-Movies. Being my cohort at the Lair of the Unwanted, Jason was
from Lair of the Unwanted cohort, Jason Soto of Invasion of the
B-Movies. Being my cohort at the Lair of the Unwanted, Jason was
well-versed on the ins and outs of THE GAUNTLET, so he knew what he was doing when he picked
this film.
But he still felt really bad about it. Jason is a nice guy like that.
“No fear!” I hollered, choking back the fear. “I have yet to dip into the doody bag that is The Works of
Uwe Boll, and it’s high time I did.” So here it is, the Uwe Boll Challenge…
this film.
But he still felt really bad about it. Jason is a nice guy like that.
“No fear!” I hollered, choking back the fear. “I have yet to dip into the doody bag that is The Works of
Uwe Boll, and it’s high time I did.” So here it is, the Uwe Boll Challenge…
| The okay-ish House of the Dead video game. |
The video game in question is a popular
arcade shooter called, believe it or not,
House of the Dead. In the game, you
wander around a haunted house (of the
Dead, if you will), shooting very angular
zombies and ghouls. It’s… okay, I guess.
Not much depth, not particularly original,
and the graphics were only so-so even by
2002 standards. It’s no Area 51 is all I’m
saying.
And who better to bring this mediocre video
game to the big screen but filmmaker-boxer-
visual terrorist Uwe Boll. Boll has made a
arcade shooter called, believe it or not,
House of the Dead. In the game, you
wander around a haunted house (of the
Dead, if you will), shooting very angular
zombies and ghouls. It’s… okay, I guess.
Not much depth, not particularly original,
and the graphics were only so-so even by
2002 standards. It’s no Area 51 is all I’m
saying.
And who better to bring this mediocre video
game to the big screen but filmmaker-boxer-
visual terrorist Uwe Boll. Boll has made a
career of bringing such video games as Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne and Postal to the big
| If you kept getting jobs directing movies, no matter how crappy they were, you'd be smiling, too. |
screen in notoriously bad adaptations. The man’s name has
become synonymous with bone-crushingly bad films, like Ed
Wood without the charm or Michael Bay without the ability to
blackmail a-listers into appearing in his films.
I have to confess: I had never seen an Uwe Boll film before. And
while House of the Dead is a very bad movie, Uwe Boll isn't quite
the worst director I’ve seen. You can either take that as a
backhanded complement, or as another way in which Boll fails.
The film opens with a guy sitting alone on a porch step,
exhausted. His interior monologue introducing us to the horrors
he has witnessed over the last few days. Wow, way to
immediately deflate any and all suspense the film might provide
by showing us the only survivor.
Our surviving narrator introduces us to his array of stereotypical
college buddies: the Dumb Jock, the Goofball, the Blonde Slut,
the Tough Black Girl and the Sensible Brunette. They're all
become synonymous with bone-crushingly bad films, like Ed
Wood without the charm or Michael Bay without the ability to
blackmail a-listers into appearing in his films.
I have to confess: I had never seen an Uwe Boll film before. And
while House of the Dead is a very bad movie, Uwe Boll isn't quite
the worst director I’ve seen. You can either take that as a
backhanded complement, or as another way in which Boll fails.
The film opens with a guy sitting alone on a porch step,
exhausted. His interior monologue introducing us to the horrors
he has witnessed over the last few days. Wow, way to
immediately deflate any and all suspense the film might provide
by showing us the only survivor.
Our surviving narrator introduces us to his array of stereotypical
college buddies: the Dumb Jock, the Goofball, the Blonde Slut,
the Tough Black Girl and the Sensible Brunette. They're all
looking to hop a boat to a rave. And by “rave,” the filmmakers mean “mid-day party in the woods,
sponsored by Sega.”
sponsored by Sega.”
I’m pretty confident that the filmmakers don’t know what a rave is.
The Dumb Jock bribes one Captain Kirk (sigh) and his First Mate/Pet, Clint Howard, into taking
them to the rave island. Clint Howard blathers on about how the island, “Isla del Muerte,” is
cursed or whatever. No one cares. Pursuing the gang is the authorities, who rightly suspect Kirk
of smuggling.
Meanwhile, back at the alleged rave, a Thong’d Cutie is quasi-skinny dipping while her man
passes out on the beach. We get lotsa underwater shots a la Jaws of Thong'd Cutie and her
flotation devices, and then… bubbles! No, not the bubbles!
The Dumb Jock bribes one Captain Kirk (sigh) and his First Mate/Pet, Clint Howard, into taking
them to the rave island. Clint Howard blathers on about how the island, “Isla del Muerte,” is
cursed or whatever. No one cares. Pursuing the gang is the authorities, who rightly suspect Kirk
of smuggling.
Meanwhile, back at the alleged rave, a Thong’d Cutie is quasi-skinny dipping while her man
passes out on the beach. We get lotsa underwater shots a la Jaws of Thong'd Cutie and her
flotation devices, and then… bubbles! No, not the bubbles!
| The horror! |
The bubbles are nothing. It’s all a rouse for
the guy to be dragged off and for Thong’d
Cutie to discover ZOMBIES! before she
becomes zombie chow.
That bit of excitement is accentuated by quick
glimpses of the video game. I don’t know
why, but it happens periodically. Perhaps it’s
to remind us of the mediocre source this
lousy movie is based on?
The college gang shows up to find the
alleged rave completely abandoned and
the guy to be dragged off and for Thong’d
Cutie to discover ZOMBIES! before she
becomes zombie chow.
That bit of excitement is accentuated by quick
glimpses of the video game. I don’t know
why, but it happens periodically. Perhaps it’s
to remind us of the mediocre source this
lousy movie is based on?
The college gang shows up to find the
alleged rave completely abandoned and
ransacked. Only the Sensible Brunette, who we learn is the narrator’s fencing ex-girlfriend, has
enough sense to think that this may be problematic. They make “Scooby-Doo” references when
going to investigate, and… well, you can see where this is all going.
So, yeah, this is a dumb movie, and one of the few zombie movies without even a hint of social
commentary. I could live with that if the characters behaved at all like actual human beings.
Example: When the gang discovers that the Blonde Slut has been turned into a zombie (the first
sighting for most of them) and a cop shows up out of nowhere to put a bullet in her brain, no one
is the least bit surprised or upset. Perhaps the Blonde Slut was voted Most Likely To Be Turned
Into A Zombie and Abruptly Shot In the Head By a Previously Unseen Cop in high school.
Eventually, everyone arms up to take on the hordes of poorly made-up zombies (if there’s anyone
who critically fails in this movie, it’s the make-up "artist"). And I have to say that I was impressed
how everyone – and I mean every one – was instantly turned into a crack shot with whatever
firearm they were randomly assigned. Head shots galore within the chaos of battle. Maybe all of
the college kids were in ROTC together?
The film quickly jettisons weak attempts at horror for weak attempts at action with lots of scenes
of running, shooting and exploding, all to techno music. It’s supposed to be very exciting. It’s not.
The action all builds up to a dramatic sword fight (?) between the Sensible Brunette and the Head
Zombie Guy. See, she fences in college, and therefore has an intimate knowledge in fighting with
any and all bladed weapons. Which is like saying the flight simulator you used to play makes you
an expert at piloting space shuttles.
Considering this is a simple zombie movie, it’s remarkable how un-scary and un-exciting House
of the Dead is. And they say Uwe Boll has no talent.
enough sense to think that this may be problematic. They make “Scooby-Doo” references when
going to investigate, and… well, you can see where this is all going.
So, yeah, this is a dumb movie, and one of the few zombie movies without even a hint of social
commentary. I could live with that if the characters behaved at all like actual human beings.
Example: When the gang discovers that the Blonde Slut has been turned into a zombie (the first
sighting for most of them) and a cop shows up out of nowhere to put a bullet in her brain, no one
is the least bit surprised or upset. Perhaps the Blonde Slut was voted Most Likely To Be Turned
Into A Zombie and Abruptly Shot In the Head By a Previously Unseen Cop in high school.
Eventually, everyone arms up to take on the hordes of poorly made-up zombies (if there’s anyone
who critically fails in this movie, it’s the make-up "artist"). And I have to say that I was impressed
how everyone – and I mean every one – was instantly turned into a crack shot with whatever
firearm they were randomly assigned. Head shots galore within the chaos of battle. Maybe all of
the college kids were in ROTC together?
The film quickly jettisons weak attempts at horror for weak attempts at action with lots of scenes
of running, shooting and exploding, all to techno music. It’s supposed to be very exciting. It’s not.
The action all builds up to a dramatic sword fight (?) between the Sensible Brunette and the Head
Zombie Guy. See, she fences in college, and therefore has an intimate knowledge in fighting with
any and all bladed weapons. Which is like saying the flight simulator you used to play makes you
an expert at piloting space shuttles.
Considering this is a simple zombie movie, it’s remarkable how un-scary and un-exciting House
of the Dead is. And they say Uwe Boll has no talent.
Think Nolahn was
too harsh? [spoiler:
he wasn't] Then
check out these
second opinions...
Badmovies.org
HellHorror.com
Invasion of the
B-Movies
The Movie
Encyclopedia
Obscure Horror
too harsh? [spoiler:
he wasn't] Then
check out these
second opinions...
Badmovies.org
HellHorror.com
Invasion of the
B-Movies
The Movie
Encyclopedia
Obscure Horror
