BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
 |  |  |  |  |  |
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
The Xilians face off against our heroes, then fire away. Ozaki gets in touch with his inner Keanu
Reeves and mentally pushes the laser blasts back at the Xilians. Then, a pose-off! Finally, Ozaki
and Punky Xilian have at it mano-a-mano, with Ozaki taking a healthy beating.
Reeves and mentally pushes the laser blasts back at the Xilians. Then, a pose-off! Finally, Ozaki
and Punky Xilian have at it mano-a-mano, with Ozaki taking a healthy beating.
GODZILLA: FINAL WARS
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
No such problems with Godzilla. Big G runs Monster X into the
ground and is about to hit him with the blue breath when Godzilla
pulls up and tags the Muthaship instead. That gives Ivan and the
others an opening to take on the other Xilians. It doesn't go well
until Ivan grabs his opponents' pistols and starts bad-assing
around the room. One Xilian hottie with dueling katanas won't be
denied -- she moves super-fast, deflecting Ivan's shots with what
must be super-super-strong swords. She's about to cut Ivan down
when someone shoots the sword out of her hand. Ivan grabs the
sword and starts hacking away. Ivan's savior? The UNSG! And
there's the EDF Director! And some other guy! "We were very
lucky," says UNSG by way of an explanation, "We managed to get
away." Well, that clears things up. Ivan takes everyone back to
the ship, leaving Ozaki to finish his business with Punky Xilian.
Godzilla? Still beating the crap out of Monster X.
Muthaship. Ivan sends the others ahead so he can pose with his
sword for a bit. Shouting, shooting, fighting. Not looking good for
the earthlings. While Ozaki is getting his bell rung, Ivan engages
in some fisticuffs of his own. Punky lays out Ozaki and starts
monologing -- yes, again with the cattle. Ozaki gets this far-away
look on his face that says, "Oh yeah, I am The One" and starts
ground and is about to hit him with the blue breath when Godzilla
pulls up and tags the Muthaship instead. That gives Ivan and the
others an opening to take on the other Xilians. It doesn't go well
until Ivan grabs his opponents' pistols and starts bad-assing
around the room. One Xilian hottie with dueling katanas won't be
denied -- she moves super-fast, deflecting Ivan's shots with what
must be super-super-strong swords. She's about to cut Ivan down
when someone shoots the sword out of her hand. Ivan grabs the
sword and starts hacking away. Ivan's savior? The UNSG! And
there's the EDF Director! And some other guy! "We were very
lucky," says UNSG by way of an explanation, "We managed to get
away." Well, that clears things up. Ivan takes everyone back to
the ship, leaving Ozaki to finish his business with Punky Xilian.
Godzilla? Still beating the crap out of Monster X.
Muthaship. Ivan sends the others ahead so he can pose with his
sword for a bit. Shouting, shooting, fighting. Not looking good for
the earthlings. While Ozaki is getting his bell rung, Ivan engages
in some fisticuffs of his own. Punky lays out Ozaki and starts
monologing -- yes, again with the cattle. Ozaki gets this far-away
look on his face that says, "Oh yeah, I am The One" and starts
blathering on about how he has a choice. Apparently, Ozaki has chosen to kick Punky's ass.
Which he does, with the same spaced-out look Neo has after he comes back to life to take out
Agent Smith in the first Matrix movie. It's just like that, except funnier cuz Punky hams it up quite a
bit. Defeated, Punky opts to be a sore loser and causes the Muthaship to begin self-destructing.
Miyuki and the all-exec team are still under heavy fire when something explodes, laying out all of
the Xilians. This movie is chock-full of convenient moments, eh? Ivan shows up to sass them a bit,
and they all board the Gotengo. Even Ozaki super-speeds onboard in time for the Gotengo to pull
out, and the Muthaship does its Death Star impression.
"Damn, that was a big explosion," Godzilla roars. Despite the fact that Godzilla has been beating
him from pillar to post for the past half hour, Monster X is somehow still on his feet. They have
dueling laser shows, resulting in their blowing up the already blown up city. As Big G gets to his
feet, Monster X starts twitching and morphing into... King Ghidorah. Ugh, really? I know Ghidorah
Which he does, with the same spaced-out look Neo has after he comes back to life to take out
Agent Smith in the first Matrix movie. It's just like that, except funnier cuz Punky hams it up quite a
bit. Defeated, Punky opts to be a sore loser and causes the Muthaship to begin self-destructing.
Miyuki and the all-exec team are still under heavy fire when something explodes, laying out all of
the Xilians. This movie is chock-full of convenient moments, eh? Ivan shows up to sass them a bit,
and they all board the Gotengo. Even Ozaki super-speeds onboard in time for the Gotengo to pull
out, and the Muthaship does its Death Star impression.
"Damn, that was a big explosion," Godzilla roars. Despite the fact that Godzilla has been beating
him from pillar to post for the past half hour, Monster X is somehow still on his feet. They have
dueling laser shows, resulting in their blowing up the already blown up city. As Big G gets to his
feet, Monster X starts twitching and morphing into... King Ghidorah. Ugh, really? I know Ghidorah
| King Ghidorah (KG) is the Washington Generals to Godzilla's Harlem Globetrotters. |
is supposed to be the Joker to Godzilla's
Batman, but by my unofficial count, Godzilla
has made King Ghidorah his bitch in about a
half dozen different movies. This shouldn't
last any more than, say, six minutes.
KG goes to his lightning breath early and
often, booting Godzilla around town, and then
closes in for what looks like a vampiric bite.
"Godzilla is losing energy!" says the highly
observant Miyuki. "We've got to give him
more power!" Ozaki is on the case, and by the
Power of Keanu Reeves, he channels the
Gotengo's energy blast into Big G's dorsal
Batman, but by my unofficial count, Godzilla
has made King Ghidorah his bitch in about a
half dozen different movies. This shouldn't
last any more than, say, six minutes.
KG goes to his lightning breath early and
often, booting Godzilla around town, and then
closes in for what looks like a vampiric bite.
"Godzilla is losing energy!" says the highly
observant Miyuki. "We've got to give him
more power!" Ozaki is on the case, and by the
Power of Keanu Reeves, he channels the
Gotengo's energy blast into Big G's dorsal
fins. That does it -- Big G is now like Popeye post spinach. Godzilla liberates two of KG's heads
and gives an old school thrashing to the rest of him.
See? Five minutes.
and gives an old school thrashing to the rest of him.
See? Five minutes.
Godzilla turns, spots the DSR he had chased halfway across the
globe, and blasts it out of the air. Our heroes de-board to face a
supercharged and perturbed Godzilla.
But wait! Here comes the mon-com squad! Baby G shields our
heroes from Godzilla while, hilariously, the Kid shields Godzilla
from our heroes. And yes, Ivan does move to take on Godzilla
with his sword. Everyone stands down as the Synthesizers of
Hope plays. Bored, Big G leaves, and Baby G trots after him.
HLR shows up, largely to prove that she's still alive. Our heroes
ponder the enormous mess they have to clean up as they watch
Godzilla walk off into the sunset.
Fin.
This is my entry into the Incompetent Invasions Roundtable
over at The Monster Shack. Once you've caught your breath,
please go check out the other submissions in this roundtable.
Still looking for takes on Godzilla: Final Wars? You can always
check out Andrew's review over at Badmovies.org.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
globe, and blasts it out of the air. Our heroes de-board to face a
supercharged and perturbed Godzilla.
But wait! Here comes the mon-com squad! Baby G shields our
heroes from Godzilla while, hilariously, the Kid shields Godzilla
from our heroes. And yes, Ivan does move to take on Godzilla
with his sword. Everyone stands down as the Synthesizers of
Hope plays. Bored, Big G leaves, and Baby G trots after him.
HLR shows up, largely to prove that she's still alive. Our heroes
ponder the enormous mess they have to clean up as they watch
Godzilla walk off into the sunset.
Fin.
This is my entry into the Incompetent Invasions Roundtable
over at The Monster Shack. Once you've caught your breath,
please go check out the other submissions in this roundtable.
Still looking for takes on Godzilla: Final Wars? You can always
check out Andrew's review over at Badmovies.org.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
| Know what you're in the mood for? Then peruse our GENRE CHANNELS: |
