BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
Mt. Fuji (no HMCs necessary), where Punky Xilian has beamed down Rodan and King Seesar
AND Anguirus. It's a 3-on-1 handicap match! All four monsters charge, and Godzilla uses
Anguirus's head as a springboard to flip out of the way of Rodan and King Seesar -- who crash into
each other. You should check it out for yourself. It's SportsCenter-worthy. Seriously, go ahead. I'll
wait.
Big G pulls some Seagal-esque Aikido on King Seesar, but gets double-teamed by Rodan and
Anguirus. The mon-comers are on the scene, grimacing. We now have a sequence so ridiculous
that you'll just have to see it for yourself:
AND Anguirus. It's a 3-on-1 handicap match! All four monsters charge, and Godzilla uses
Anguirus's head as a springboard to flip out of the way of Rodan and King Seesar -- who crash into
each other. You should check it out for yourself. It's SportsCenter-worthy. Seriously, go ahead. I'll
wait.
Big G pulls some Seagal-esque Aikido on King Seesar, but gets double-teamed by Rodan and
Anguirus. The mon-comers are on the scene, grimacing. We now have a sequence so ridiculous
that you'll just have to see it for yourself:
GODZILLA: FINAL WARS
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
GOOOOOOAAAAALL!! Baby G is so excited, he just can't hide it. He blows smoke rings and starts
to grow.
The Gotengo saddles up to the Muthaship, and it looks like it's time to pull out the CGI. "Empty your
guns," Ivan grits. "There's no turning back!" Kazama suits up as both the CGI air battle and the
Rock Guitar of Shreddin' Aliens amp up. Kazama takes off in a fighter so he can be the Randy
Quaid of this ID4 rip-off. Big bada-boom! The Muthaship is still standing, but its shields are down.
The Gotengo takes this opportunity to make use of the "D" in this DSR and penetrates the
Muthaship. And then... a bunch of Xilians beam aboard and mow down all the no-name crew
members. Our heroes are apprehended for Punky Xilian's "other plans."
Meanwhile, the Exposition Fairies and their awful, awful haircuts are praying. Mothra pops out of
the Mothra Cave and flies off, ready for action!
HMC says we're at Tokyo Bay. Familiar blue breath blasts my personal fav, Hedorah, into the air.
Ebirah follows suit. Hedorah gets shish-kabobed by Ebirah's giant lobster claw. Big G pops out of
the Bay to roast the two. Thanks for playing, boys!
Muthaship of Bill & Ted's Excellent Future. Punky Xilian, having just lost at least nine monsters to
Big G, is having a conniption fit as his prisoners are brought in. Everyone tough-guys at each other,
"you're all cattle now," blah, blah, blah.
Ladies and gentlemen, our Main Event! Godzilla spots an oncoming meteor and hits it with his
radioactive breath. The meteor doesn't stop -- BIG bada boom! Big G stands alone in a giant crater
until Monster X (right) floats down behind him.
to grow.
The Gotengo saddles up to the Muthaship, and it looks like it's time to pull out the CGI. "Empty your
guns," Ivan grits. "There's no turning back!" Kazama suits up as both the CGI air battle and the
Rock Guitar of Shreddin' Aliens amp up. Kazama takes off in a fighter so he can be the Randy
Quaid of this ID4 rip-off. Big bada-boom! The Muthaship is still standing, but its shields are down.
The Gotengo takes this opportunity to make use of the "D" in this DSR and penetrates the
Muthaship. And then... a bunch of Xilians beam aboard and mow down all the no-name crew
members. Our heroes are apprehended for Punky Xilian's "other plans."
Meanwhile, the Exposition Fairies and their awful, awful haircuts are praying. Mothra pops out of
the Mothra Cave and flies off, ready for action!
HMC says we're at Tokyo Bay. Familiar blue breath blasts my personal fav, Hedorah, into the air.
Ebirah follows suit. Hedorah gets shish-kabobed by Ebirah's giant lobster claw. Big G pops out of
the Bay to roast the two. Thanks for playing, boys!
Muthaship of Bill & Ted's Excellent Future. Punky Xilian, having just lost at least nine monsters to
Big G, is having a conniption fit as his prisoners are brought in. Everyone tough-guys at each other,
"you're all cattle now," blah, blah, blah.
Ladies and gentlemen, our Main Event! Godzilla spots an oncoming meteor and hits it with his
radioactive breath. The meteor doesn't stop -- BIG bada boom! Big G stands alone in a giant crater
until Monster X (right) floats down behind him.
Fight! This battle is definitely more martial arts
than pro wrestling, taking Godzilla a bit out of his
element.
Mothra flies onto the scene, so Punky Xilian
unleashes an "upgraded" Gigan. This one has
giant hedge clippers for hands instead of giant
hooks. Not sure how much of an upgrade that is.
Mothra and Gigan do some dogfighting, with
Gigan clipping off a chunk of Mothra's wing. That
can't be good.
Back on the Muthaship, Ozaki asks why he's still
alive. Punky Xilian and Miyuki rehash the whole
M-Base thing, and who cares. Turns out that
than pro wrestling, taking Godzilla a bit out of his
element.
Mothra flies onto the scene, so Punky Xilian
unleashes an "upgraded" Gigan. This one has
giant hedge clippers for hands instead of giant
hooks. Not sure how much of an upgrade that is.
Mothra and Gigan do some dogfighting, with
Gigan clipping off a chunk of Mothra's wing. That
can't be good.
Back on the Muthaship, Ozaki asks why he's still
alive. Punky Xilian and Miyuki rehash the whole
M-Base thing, and who cares. Turns out that
Punky couldn't control Ozaki because Ozaki is a "Keizer," a sort of super-charged being. Naturally,
Punky is one, too, and he hits Ozaki with the Dark Side of the Force.
As Ozaki is getting grilled by Punky Xilian, Godzilla is getting double-teamed by Monster X and
Gigan. Punky finally lets up on Ozaki, who now appears to be under Punky's control. Ozaki shows
his friends some of his pimp hand style and starts to choke Ivan as Monster X holds Godzilla so
Gigan can get in some good shots with the hedge clippers. Symmetry! Big G manages to worm
out of the double-team just in time for Mothra to clock both baddies from behind. Clotheslined by a
moth! Ha!
Back on the Muthaship, Miyuki remembers her Exposition Fairy parting gift (which is now glowing)
and STABS Ozaki with it. Ouch! Both Ozaki and Godzilla start to rally. More symmetry!
Mothra ties to sneak up on Gigan, but even Gigan isn't that dense. Gigan fires a pair of circular saw
blades at Mothra. Mothra dodges them easily, but moves right into Gigan's eyebeams. Ka-boom!
Gigan turns to pose for the cameras... only to be decapitated by his own circular saw blades.
Jackass. A flaming Mothra kamikazes the headless Gigan, giving Mothra the moral victory.
NEXT: Ozaki gets in touch with his inner Keanu Reeves.
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Punky is one, too, and he hits Ozaki with the Dark Side of the Force.
As Ozaki is getting grilled by Punky Xilian, Godzilla is getting double-teamed by Monster X and
Gigan. Punky finally lets up on Ozaki, who now appears to be under Punky's control. Ozaki shows
his friends some of his pimp hand style and starts to choke Ivan as Monster X holds Godzilla so
Gigan can get in some good shots with the hedge clippers. Symmetry! Big G manages to worm
out of the double-team just in time for Mothra to clock both baddies from behind. Clotheslined by a
moth! Ha!
Back on the Muthaship, Miyuki remembers her Exposition Fairy parting gift (which is now glowing)
and STABS Ozaki with it. Ouch! Both Ozaki and Godzilla start to rally. More symmetry!
Mothra ties to sneak up on Gigan, but even Gigan isn't that dense. Gigan fires a pair of circular saw
blades at Mothra. Mothra dodges them easily, but moves right into Gigan's eyebeams. Ka-boom!
Gigan turns to pose for the cameras... only to be decapitated by his own circular saw blades.
Jackass. A flaming Mothra kamikazes the headless Gigan, giving Mothra the moral victory.
NEXT: Ozaki gets in touch with his inner Keanu Reeves.
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