BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
 |  |  |  |  |  |
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
Naturally, the others loves this plan. HLR gets left behind to record everything and, you know, live.
Ivan dubs the mission "Final War," the soundtrack kicks in and the Gotengo burns rubber out of the
hanger. Yee-haw!
Ivan dubs the mission "Final War," the soundtrack kicks in and the Gotengo burns rubber out of the
hanger. Yee-haw!
GODZILLA: FINAL WARS
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
Punky Xilian notices the giant DSR cruising around, and sics
Gigan on it.
We get a big dose of fun retro music and a K-Mart version of The
Rock toasting up some croissants. Mmm... The HMC lets us
know that we're not at "Area G, the South Pole." K-Mart Rock's
partner, George Foreman, Jr., gets a message that the Gotengo is
up, running and on it's way to wake up Godzilla. That lats bit
makes K-Mart Rock spit-take his espresso. What a waste.
Uh-oh! Looks like Gigan has finally caught up with the Gotengo.
Did you know Gigan can fly? Yep. Gigan grounds the Gotengo in
short order. The Gotengo fires off some missiles, missing Gigan...
and hitting Godzilla's burial site. Gigan lands and starts a
pose-off, only to be knocked off his feet by a very familiar blast of
blue radioactive breath.
Mark it: An hour and nine minutes into the movie, the headliner
makes his appearance. Diva. As you can guess by the reflection
of fire in his eyes, this is one pissed off lizard.
Big G immediately shows his lack of respect by blasting the
K-Mart Rock and George Foreman, Jr. Sorry, fellas.
Gigan on it.
We get a big dose of fun retro music and a K-Mart version of The
Rock toasting up some croissants. Mmm... The HMC lets us
know that we're not at "Area G, the South Pole." K-Mart Rock's
partner, George Foreman, Jr., gets a message that the Gotengo is
up, running and on it's way to wake up Godzilla. That lats bit
makes K-Mart Rock spit-take his espresso. What a waste.
Uh-oh! Looks like Gigan has finally caught up with the Gotengo.
Did you know Gigan can fly? Yep. Gigan grounds the Gotengo in
short order. The Gotengo fires off some missiles, missing Gigan...
and hitting Godzilla's burial site. Gigan lands and starts a
pose-off, only to be knocked off his feet by a very familiar blast of
blue radioactive breath.
Mark it: An hour and nine minutes into the movie, the headliner
makes his appearance. Diva. As you can guess by the reflection
of fire in his eyes, this is one pissed off lizard.
Big G immediately shows his lack of respect by blasting the
K-Mart Rock and George Foreman, Jr. Sorry, fellas.
Gigan is still in the picture and doesn't take well to being upstaged. Fight! Gigan is a bit more
tricked out than in past films -- he fires grappling hooks to reel Godzilla into his buzzsaw belly.
Unimpressed, Big G blows Gigan's mind -- literally. Looks like Godzilla won't be holding back on
his moneymaker in this film.
Punky Xilien is not pleased. Ivan hacks into Punky's transmission to taunt him. "There are two
things you don't know about the Earth," Ivan gruffs. "One is me. The other is... Godzilla." Big G
roars in agreement. With the repairs to the Gotengo completed (wow, that was fast), it takes off.
Big G gives chase, like a dog going after a mailman.
Mon-com. Grumps, the Kid and Baby G are out joyriding. Grumps is lost. Baby G honks in
agreement. And scene!
The Gotengo and Big G show up in the smoldering remains of Sydney, Australia. Punky Xilian
sends down the American Godzilla to take care of business. Fight! Unfortunately for Am-G,
Godzilla also took offense to the 1998 turkey and treats Am-G like a baby treats a diaper...
tricked out than in past films -- he fires grappling hooks to reel Godzilla into his buzzsaw belly.
Unimpressed, Big G blows Gigan's mind -- literally. Looks like Godzilla won't be holding back on
his moneymaker in this film.
Punky Xilien is not pleased. Ivan hacks into Punky's transmission to taunt him. "There are two
things you don't know about the Earth," Ivan gruffs. "One is me. The other is... Godzilla." Big G
roars in agreement. With the repairs to the Gotengo completed (wow, that was fast), it takes off.
Big G gives chase, like a dog going after a mailman.
Mon-com. Grumps, the Kid and Baby G are out joyriding. Grumps is lost. Baby G honks in
agreement. And scene!
The Gotengo and Big G show up in the smoldering remains of Sydney, Australia. Punky Xilian
sends down the American Godzilla to take care of business. Fight! Unfortunately for Am-G,
Godzilla also took offense to the 1998 turkey and treats Am-G like a baby treats a diaper...
HMC says we're now in New Guinea, where Big G is still chasing the Gotengo. It's a giant spider!
Oh, please -- a giant spider against the John Wayne of Movie Monsters? This fight is over in the
time it took you to read this paragraph.
HMC says the Gotengo has just arrived at Manazuru, Japan. That's a coastal town -- don't worry, I
didn't know that, either. The Xilians beam down Kamacuras to stop Godzilla. Whatev- wait,
Kamacuras can camouflage himself? Of course, just like real-life mosquitoes! Big G opts to simply
blast the entire landscape, then impales Kamacuras on a nearby radio tower. Fatality!
Mon-com. Grumps, the Kid and Baby G watch Godzilla stomp around in the distance. Grumps
gives some incoherent explanation of why Godzilla is so "angry," which I won't dignify here. Let's
just say it all makes Godzilla sound like a radioactive wife-beater. Baby G starts honking and runs
to the truck. And scene!
Back to the movie: Miyuki sits alone in a conference room, listing to the Chords of Sadness in
D-Minor. Ozaki sits with her and listens to her mope about the end of civilization or some such.
Ozaki gives her the Mothra Exposition Fairies' parting gift and some incoherent advice. All I really
remember is that Miyuki's lip gloss is fantastic.
Mon-com. Grumps, the Kid and Baby G are back on the road and -- holy hell! Baby G is sitting
shotgun!
NEXT: Menage a Four-way on Mt. Fuji!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Oh, please -- a giant spider against the John Wayne of Movie Monsters? This fight is over in the
time it took you to read this paragraph.
HMC says the Gotengo has just arrived at Manazuru, Japan. That's a coastal town -- don't worry, I
didn't know that, either. The Xilians beam down Kamacuras to stop Godzilla. Whatev- wait,
Kamacuras can camouflage himself? Of course, just like real-life mosquitoes! Big G opts to simply
blast the entire landscape, then impales Kamacuras on a nearby radio tower. Fatality!
Mon-com. Grumps, the Kid and Baby G watch Godzilla stomp around in the distance. Grumps
gives some incoherent explanation of why Godzilla is so "angry," which I won't dignify here. Let's
just say it all makes Godzilla sound like a radioactive wife-beater. Baby G starts honking and runs
to the truck. And scene!
Back to the movie: Miyuki sits alone in a conference room, listing to the Chords of Sadness in
D-Minor. Ozaki sits with her and listens to her mope about the end of civilization or some such.
Ozaki gives her the Mothra Exposition Fairies' parting gift and some incoherent advice. All I really
remember is that Miyuki's lip gloss is fantastic.
Mon-com. Grumps, the Kid and Baby G are back on the road and -- holy hell! Baby G is sitting
shotgun!
NEXT: Menage a Four-way on Mt. Fuji!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
| Know what you're in the mood for? Then peruse our GENRE CHANNELS: |
