Spaceship of Bill & Ted's Excellent Future. Young punkish Xilian guy wants to know what was the
point of unleashing giant monsters on Earth only to beam them away. Hey, I want to know, too --
especially since it's the whole reason I picked this film for the roundtable. Daddy Xilian simply
says that the young punk is too much of a young punk to understand that "peaceful methods are
much better." Nice non-answer. Punky Xilian calls him on it and gets dismissed for his efforts.
"He who depends on power will be ruined by it," Daddy Xilian intones, and I swear he got that off a
fortune cookie. Both Punky Xilian and I think Daddy Xilian is being a sanctimonious ass and that
this invasion strategy doesn't make any sense.
point of unleashing giant monsters on Earth only to beam them away. Hey, I want to know, too --
especially since it's the whole reason I picked this film for the roundtable. Daddy Xilian simply
says that the young punk is too much of a young punk to understand that "peaceful methods are
much better." Nice non-answer. Punky Xilian calls him on it and gets dismissed for his efforts.
"He who depends on power will be ruined by it," Daddy Xilian intones, and I swear he got that off a
fortune cookie. Both Punky Xilian and I think Daddy Xilian is being a sanctimonious ass and that
this invasion strategy doesn't make any sense.
GODZILLA: FINAL WARS
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
| Daddy Xilian (left, in the discount Darth Vader costume) and Punky Xilian (right, in The Matrix wear) demonstrate that poor communication skills are truly universal. |
Meanwhile, in an unnamed computer lab, our intrepid skeptics discover that the whole "another
planet is gonna crash into your home" story is crap. Ozaki decides it's time to turn to the one guy
he knows hasn't been body snatched by the Xilians...
Ivan! We missed you! Apparently, EDF captains waiting for their court marshaling are allowed lots
of workout equipment in their cells. Ozaki introduces Ivan to the ladies. "Nice work," Ivan gruffs,
giving Ozaki a look that says, "Dude! I'll high-five ya later."
HLR is gearing up for a live interview with UNSG, Daddy Xilian and Punky Xilian while Miyuki is
trying to hack into some computer. The EDF Director and another obvious Xilian replacement
corner her and reveal their Xilianness... but it's a trap set by Ivan, Ozaki and a squad of super
mutants! Doh! Bang, bang!
Interview time! On live TV, HLR fools the "UNSG" into revealing that 1) he doesn't know his own
dog's name, and 2) he doesn't recognize that HLR's dog is not his own. Ozaki and Co. storm in.
Ivan tosses a Xilian corpse on the floor, demands an explanation and opts to shoot the UNSG
instead. In case that didn't traumatize the viewing audience and send the FCC into a tizzy, the
UNSG's skull splits in half, revealing his Xilianness. Daddy Xilian goes into spin mode, but Punky
Xilian, bored and eager to give us more giant monsters, shoots Daddy Xilian dead. "From now on,
you're cattle," Punky Xilian punks. "You exist only to be our food supply."
Ivan and Punky Xilian talk tough at each other, and both bring in reinforcements. Then Punky gives
all of the mutants (except Ozaki) ice cream headaches and turns them against our heroes. The
EDF drill sergeant sacrifices himself so that Ivan, Ozaki, Miyuki and HLR can get out of dodge. Our
heroes pile into a van, and... ugh. There's still over an hour to this movie? I picked the wrong film
to recap.
planet is gonna crash into your home" story is crap. Ozaki decides it's time to turn to the one guy
he knows hasn't been body snatched by the Xilians...
Ivan! We missed you! Apparently, EDF captains waiting for their court marshaling are allowed lots
of workout equipment in their cells. Ozaki introduces Ivan to the ladies. "Nice work," Ivan gruffs,
giving Ozaki a look that says, "Dude! I'll high-five ya later."
HLR is gearing up for a live interview with UNSG, Daddy Xilian and Punky Xilian while Miyuki is
trying to hack into some computer. The EDF Director and another obvious Xilian replacement
corner her and reveal their Xilianness... but it's a trap set by Ivan, Ozaki and a squad of super
mutants! Doh! Bang, bang!
Interview time! On live TV, HLR fools the "UNSG" into revealing that 1) he doesn't know his own
dog's name, and 2) he doesn't recognize that HLR's dog is not his own. Ozaki and Co. storm in.
Ivan tosses a Xilian corpse on the floor, demands an explanation and opts to shoot the UNSG
instead. In case that didn't traumatize the viewing audience and send the FCC into a tizzy, the
UNSG's skull splits in half, revealing his Xilianness. Daddy Xilian goes into spin mode, but Punky
Xilian, bored and eager to give us more giant monsters, shoots Daddy Xilian dead. "From now on,
you're cattle," Punky Xilian punks. "You exist only to be our food supply."
Ivan and Punky Xilian talk tough at each other, and both bring in reinforcements. Then Punky gives
all of the mutants (except Ozaki) ice cream headaches and turns them against our heroes. The
EDF drill sergeant sacrifices himself so that Ivan, Ozaki, Miyuki and HLR can get out of dodge. Our
heroes pile into a van, and... ugh. There's still over an hour to this movie? I picked the wrong film
to recap.
Moving things along: Kazama and Ozaki have at it in a big
motorcycle fight. It's long and pointless and full of techno -- the
Wachowski brothers would certainly approve.
Apparently, Punky Xilian is as restless as I am, cuz he orders all
of the monsters (including Gigan) to destroy Earth's civilization to
"make the earthlings realize they're cattle." Which is just like how
cattle ranchers like to napalm their fields! Brilliant! Punky's
Muthaship also releases a bunch of triangular fighters -- ID4-style
-- to help with the razing. Any DSRs still kicking around are
promptly toasted.
In short: Earth gets trashed.
So let's go back to our monster sit-com (mon-com?). Grumps is
wrestling with a radio while triangle fighters whiz by overhead.
Deeming this "bad," Grumps, the Kid and Baby G all high-tail it
out of the area. And... scene!
Back to our movie: Our heroes plus a beat-up Kazama make
their way to the Gotengo (Ivan's DSR from the Manda fight) in what
motorcycle fight. It's long and pointless and full of techno -- the
Wachowski brothers would certainly approve.
Apparently, Punky Xilian is as restless as I am, cuz he orders all
of the monsters (including Gigan) to destroy Earth's civilization to
"make the earthlings realize they're cattle." Which is just like how
cattle ranchers like to napalm their fields! Brilliant! Punky's
Muthaship also releases a bunch of triangular fighters -- ID4-style
-- to help with the razing. Any DSRs still kicking around are
promptly toasted.
In short: Earth gets trashed.
So let's go back to our monster sit-com (mon-com?). Grumps is
wrestling with a radio while triangle fighters whiz by overhead.
Deeming this "bad," Grumps, the Kid and Baby G all high-tail it
out of the area. And... scene!
Back to our movie: Our heroes plus a beat-up Kazama make
their way to the Gotengo (Ivan's DSR from the Manda fight) in what
the HMC calls the "Emergency Dock." A crew of about 20 is already standing at attention, just
waiting for Ivan to break out of prison to command them.
With Earth's military forces decimated and the Gotengo the only DSR still in one piece, Ivan has a
brilliant plan:
1) Take the Gotengo through enemy lines, down to the South Pole
2) Wake up Godzilla (who?)
3) Bring Godzilla back up north to fight all of the other monsters
4) Somehow take out the Xilians
5) Lead Godzilla back to the South Pole so Ivan can bury him again (turns out Ivan was the rocket
operator from the opening scene)
Yes, it is a terrible plan -- but not quite as bad as the Xilian's invasion strategy. Since Godzilla
doesn't contain any icky M-Base like the other monsters and the mutants, the Xilians can't control
him (hey, why didn't the Xilians include the mutants -- who they can mind control -- already on the
planet in their invasion pl -- ow, my head). Besides, the Earth is already trashed... what harm can
Godzilla do?
NEXT: Godzilla does some harm.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
waiting for Ivan to break out of prison to command them.
With Earth's military forces decimated and the Gotengo the only DSR still in one piece, Ivan has a
brilliant plan:
1) Take the Gotengo through enemy lines, down to the South Pole
2) Wake up Godzilla (who?)
3) Bring Godzilla back up north to fight all of the other monsters
4) Somehow take out the Xilians
5) Lead Godzilla back to the South Pole so Ivan can bury him again (turns out Ivan was the rocket
operator from the opening scene)
Yes, it is a terrible plan -- but not quite as bad as the Xilian's invasion strategy. Since Godzilla
doesn't contain any icky M-Base like the other monsters and the mutants, the Xilians can't control
him (hey, why didn't the Xilians include the mutants -- who they can mind control -- already on the
planet in their invasion pl -- ow, my head). Besides, the Earth is already trashed... what harm can
Godzilla do?
NEXT: Godzilla does some harm.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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