BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
Meanwhile, giant spiked ottoman Anguirus shows up in Shanghai, the giant furry Goofy King
Seesar in Okinawa, giant mosquito Kamacuras in Paris and a yet-unknown special guest in
Sydney. Zoinks. As you might guess, it's a bad day at the EDF HQ.
Hey, who is in Sydney, anyway? Why, it's the American Godzilla! Sydnians run in terror, not
realizing that all they need to do is throw fish at him. More global stomping. Stomp, stomp, stomp.
Various DSRs are dispatched to take on the monsters, but their efforts against Anguirus in
Shanghai and Rodan in New York are weak at best.
And suddenly we're in the woods with an old man dressed up as a badger, pointing a rifle at a guy
in a rubber monster suit. The hell? No more all-nighters to finish your editing, Toho. Wacky in C
Minor underscores the schtick between the badger-clad coot, his anti-gun grandson and the
bumbling Baby Godzilla. All of this, the HMC tells us, takes place on Mt. Fuji. Good to know.
Seesar in Okinawa, giant mosquito Kamacuras in Paris and a yet-unknown special guest in
Sydney. Zoinks. As you might guess, it's a bad day at the EDF HQ.
Hey, who is in Sydney, anyway? Why, it's the American Godzilla! Sydnians run in terror, not
realizing that all they need to do is throw fish at him. More global stomping. Stomp, stomp, stomp.
Various DSRs are dispatched to take on the monsters, but their efforts against Anguirus in
Shanghai and Rodan in New York are weak at best.
And suddenly we're in the woods with an old man dressed up as a badger, pointing a rifle at a guy
in a rubber monster suit. The hell? No more all-nighters to finish your editing, Toho. Wacky in C
Minor underscores the schtick between the badger-clad coot, his anti-gun grandson and the
bumbling Baby Godzilla. All of this, the HMC tells us, takes place on Mt. Fuji. Good to know.
GODZILLA: FINAL WARS
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
| Too many abbreviations? Here's a key: DSR = Drill/Sub/Rocket Thingie EDF = Earth Defence Force HLR = Hot Legs Reporter HMC = Helpful Military Captions UNSG = United Nations Secretary-General |
Back to the mayhem! A giant grasshopper
-- or maybe that's Kamacuras -- is taking a
ride on a DSR. We don't get a HMC, but
since the city is burnt to a crisp, I guess it
doesn't matter.
-- or maybe that's Kamacuras -- is taking a
ride on a DSR. We don't get a HMC, but
since the city is burnt to a crisp, I guess it
doesn't matter.
Meanwhile, the Tokai Petrochemical Complex is being attacked by the giant lobster Ebirah. The
military, as usual, is useless -- apparently, the budget doesn't include a large pot of boiling water --
so it's time to bring out... a half-dozen mutants. Of course. According to the English subtitles, the
strategy is for "Ozaki and Kazama (he of the dickishly dyed hair in the Matrixy fight scene) form a
team. The rest of you, shoot like hell!" Now that's the kind of plan Donald Rumsfeld would
endorse! Turn up the techno, cuz they're off!
Explosions! Flipping! Slo-mo! Shooting! Techno! Action! Ozaki and Kazama actually succeed in
blowing off one of Ebirah's lobster claws. I'm mildly offended. Kazama is about to deal the death
blow, complete with the tough-guy line, "Sorry, but I'm a vegetarian" when Ebirah disappears. Well,
that was anti-climatic.
In fact, giant monsters everywhere are being beamed off the planet, Star Trek-style. It seems that
there's a UFO cleaning up for the humans -- awfully neighborly of them, but anyone who has ever
seen more than two Godzilla movies knows better. The UFO then parks itself directly over EDF HQ.
The geniuses at EDF decide that the best way to greet the aliens to to have every man, woman
and child in the area stand frozen on the roof, aiming automatic rifles at the ship. It is both a neat
visual and incredibly stupid. All of our main characters head for the rooftop, too, cuz none of them
have ever seen Independence Day.
military, as usual, is useless -- apparently, the budget doesn't include a large pot of boiling water --
so it's time to bring out... a half-dozen mutants. Of course. According to the English subtitles, the
strategy is for "Ozaki and Kazama (he of the dickishly dyed hair in the Matrixy fight scene) form a
team. The rest of you, shoot like hell!" Now that's the kind of plan Donald Rumsfeld would
endorse! Turn up the techno, cuz they're off!
Explosions! Flipping! Slo-mo! Shooting! Techno! Action! Ozaki and Kazama actually succeed in
blowing off one of Ebirah's lobster claws. I'm mildly offended. Kazama is about to deal the death
blow, complete with the tough-guy line, "Sorry, but I'm a vegetarian" when Ebirah disappears. Well,
that was anti-climatic.
In fact, giant monsters everywhere are being beamed off the planet, Star Trek-style. It seems that
there's a UFO cleaning up for the humans -- awfully neighborly of them, but anyone who has ever
seen more than two Godzilla movies knows better. The UFO then parks itself directly over EDF HQ.
The geniuses at EDF decide that the best way to greet the aliens to to have every man, woman
and child in the area stand frozen on the roof, aiming automatic rifles at the ship. It is both a neat
visual and incredibly stupid. All of our main characters head for the rooftop, too, cuz none of them
have ever seen Independence Day.
Sure enough, a beam does come down, but instead of a big
pre-9/11 crowd-pleasing explosion, we get... the UNSG.
Everyone is shocked, and Miyuki looks like she ate some bad
sushi. The UNSG explains that aliens rescued him from
Rodan and that they're totally cool and peaceful. Honest!
Bright light, and we're beamed into the future a la Bill & Ted's
Excellent Adventure. Two fellas in leftover Matrix gear give a
whole "We come in peace" schpiel, and if you're buying this, I
have some quality real estate for you.
The "Xilians" really lay it on thick: They're here to befriend Earth
and warn earthlings about another planet on a collision course
with ours. All the earthlings have to do is fire all of Earth's
weapons at this one spot -- the Xilians have already done the
math for us -- and we're all set. We've gracefully transitioned to
the U.N., where the UNSG is bringing the sales pitch home
with a call to ally Earth with the Xilians. The crowd goes wild,
though our Hot Legs Reporter (HLR) is not impressed.
Just like that, Xilianmania is sweeping the world! It's
everywhere, and it's happening, baby! People are flooding the
streets while talking heads yammer on pointlessly on TV. The
TV clicks off, and we're in Miyuki's office with a remote-wielding
pre-9/11 crowd-pleasing explosion, we get... the UNSG.
Everyone is shocked, and Miyuki looks like she ate some bad
sushi. The UNSG explains that aliens rescued him from
Rodan and that they're totally cool and peaceful. Honest!
Bright light, and we're beamed into the future a la Bill & Ted's
Excellent Adventure. Two fellas in leftover Matrix gear give a
whole "We come in peace" schpiel, and if you're buying this, I
have some quality real estate for you.
The "Xilians" really lay it on thick: They're here to befriend Earth
and warn earthlings about another planet on a collision course
with ours. All the earthlings have to do is fire all of Earth's
weapons at this one spot -- the Xilians have already done the
math for us -- and we're all set. We've gracefully transitioned to
the U.N., where the UNSG is bringing the sales pitch home
with a call to ally Earth with the Xilians. The crowd goes wild,
though our Hot Legs Reporter (HLR) is not impressed.
Just like that, Xilianmania is sweeping the world! It's
everywhere, and it's happening, baby! People are flooding the
streets while talking heads yammer on pointlessly on TV. The
TV clicks off, and we're in Miyuki's office with a remote-wielding
Ozaki. Nice transition. The two debate the authenticity of the Xilians when HLR walks in. "Hi, sis!"
calls out an excited Miyuki. "Penthouse Forum" writers, start your engines.
Turns out HLR is on the same page as Ozaki and Miyuki, and she has proof -- footage of the UNSG
giving his entire speech without blinking. Okay, it's not exactly a smoking gun, but HLR is going to
confront the UNSG anyway...
...in the very next scene! The UNSG is all cold and stiff and completely unlike the UNSG of scenes
past. An attempt his made on the UNSG's life (quickly foiled by Ozaki), and as the attempted knifer
is carted off, he rambles about how the UNSG is a traitor and the earth will be destroyed. Some in
the business call this "foreshadowing," the way I call a kick in the crotch "painful." The UNSG does
get nicked in the attack, and Miyuki helpfully winds up with a hankie full of UNSG blood.
Wanna bet that's not human blood?
No?
Damn.
Ozaki goes to report his findings to the Director of EDF, but quickly realizes that she's a bit...
blinkless. He manages to cover his tracks and beat feet out of her office.
NEXT: The Xilians have daddy issues, and things go pear-shaped for Earth.
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calls out an excited Miyuki. "Penthouse Forum" writers, start your engines.
Turns out HLR is on the same page as Ozaki and Miyuki, and she has proof -- footage of the UNSG
giving his entire speech without blinking. Okay, it's not exactly a smoking gun, but HLR is going to
confront the UNSG anyway...
...in the very next scene! The UNSG is all cold and stiff and completely unlike the UNSG of scenes
past. An attempt his made on the UNSG's life (quickly foiled by Ozaki), and as the attempted knifer
is carted off, he rambles about how the UNSG is a traitor and the earth will be destroyed. Some in
the business call this "foreshadowing," the way I call a kick in the crotch "painful." The UNSG does
get nicked in the attack, and Miyuki helpfully winds up with a hankie full of UNSG blood.
Wanna bet that's not human blood?
No?
Damn.
Ozaki goes to report his findings to the Director of EDF, but quickly realizes that she's a bit...
blinkless. He manages to cover his tracks and beat feet out of her office.
NEXT: The Xilians have daddy issues, and things go pear-shaped for Earth.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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