BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
Despite the against-all-odds victory, the head of EDF gets on the telecom and makes like a
standard action movie police chief, bitching Ivan out for nearly trashing the ship. Ivan all but flips
her the bird, and it's time to head back for a court marshaling.
And then... whu? We appear to have jumped into a deleted scene from one of the Matrix sequels
(Which one? Does it matter?). Two guys are wire fighting the hell out of each other while the
camera spins and whirls, and it would all be impressive if we had any context. Like if we knew why
these two were fighting or who the are. But we don't, so who cares.
They Matrix it up for entirely too long until an order is given for them to stop, and the HMC tells us
we're in the M Organization's Training Facility. Both fighters get yelled at for reasons I don't
understand. It certainly doesn't help that the English dubbing and English subtitles are on
completely different scripts. Apparently, Ozaki (who fired the "phaser" during the Manda fight) held
back because he has a heart or something. Ozaki's sparring partner is a dick about it all, as was
foreshadowed by his dickish haircut and dye job.
standard action movie police chief, bitching Ivan out for nearly trashing the ship. Ivan all but flips
her the bird, and it's time to head back for a court marshaling.
And then... whu? We appear to have jumped into a deleted scene from one of the Matrix sequels
(Which one? Does it matter?). Two guys are wire fighting the hell out of each other while the
camera spins and whirls, and it would all be impressive if we had any context. Like if we knew why
these two were fighting or who the are. But we don't, so who cares.
They Matrix it up for entirely too long until an order is given for them to stop, and the HMC tells us
we're in the M Organization's Training Facility. Both fighters get yelled at for reasons I don't
understand. It certainly doesn't help that the English dubbing and English subtitles are on
completely different scripts. Apparently, Ozaki (who fired the "phaser" during the Manda fight) held
back because he has a heart or something. Ozaki's sparring partner is a dick about it all, as was
foreshadowed by his dickish haircut and dye job.
GODZILLA: FINAL WARS
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
(2005, 125 minutes, PG-13)
It seems the sparring put Ozaki in the doghouse, cuz he's
assigned to guard some U.N. biologist who just discovered a
giant mummified monster. Ozaki isn't exactly thrilled:
"Honestly, sir. You know how cranky these old farts can be
sometimes."
Naturally, the biologist is standing right behind Ozaki. And she
looks like a supermodel. "I think you'll find I'm not cranky at
all," she retorts with a hefty amount of crankiness. This leads to
the obligatory scene of Ozaki and cranky Dr. Miyuki making
assumptions about each other and hating their new
assignment. Yawn.
The HMCs aren't so helpful this time, unless the "Defense
Force Museum" is an underground bunker large enough to
house the Sears Tower. There's the mummified monster,
helpfully craned into an upright position so we know what we're
looking at. Some random egghead states that the creature is
actually a cyborg and over 12,000 years old, causing all the
Creationists in the house to have a tizzy. Oh, and there's some
bit about the monster's DNA having the same "M-base" found
in Earth's mutants. You'd think that's going to be really
important, but not so much.
assigned to guard some U.N. biologist who just discovered a
giant mummified monster. Ozaki isn't exactly thrilled:
"Honestly, sir. You know how cranky these old farts can be
sometimes."
Naturally, the biologist is standing right behind Ozaki. And she
looks like a supermodel. "I think you'll find I'm not cranky at
all," she retorts with a hefty amount of crankiness. This leads to
the obligatory scene of Ozaki and cranky Dr. Miyuki making
assumptions about each other and hating their new
assignment. Yawn.
The HMCs aren't so helpful this time, unless the "Defense
Force Museum" is an underground bunker large enough to
house the Sears Tower. There's the mummified monster,
helpfully craned into an upright position so we know what we're
looking at. Some random egghead states that the creature is
actually a cyborg and over 12,000 years old, causing all the
Creationists in the house to have a tizzy. Oh, and there's some
bit about the monster's DNA having the same "M-base" found
in Earth's mutants. You'd think that's going to be really
important, but not so much.
| Dr. Miyuki, cranky old fart. |
Rather abruptly, we go to a great pair of legs interviewing
the newly-elected U.N. Secretary-General. It's not really a
pair of legs holding the interview, but that's all I really
remember about the scene. We get a weird aside about the
UNSG's dog, Clint. Um, okay...
Lab of Mummified Monster Musings. Ah, hell. Here comes
one of Japan's most irritating contributions to film: the
Mothra Exposition Fairies. The Exposition Fairies appear to
teleport Ozaki, Miyuki and Random Egghead to Infant Island
to drop some exposition. And here it is: Over 12,000 years
ago, Gigan (the mummified monster) came to Earth to trash
the place until Mothra kicked his can. Gigan is evil, and
Earth's mutants also have that evil in them (Ozaki is
understandably offended). However, Ozaki is told he can
choose to not act upon his evil impulses. In short, he'd
better be good for goodness sake, or Mothra will kick his
can, too. Ozaki is given a parting gift that, again, you'd think
is going to be really important, but isn't.
the newly-elected U.N. Secretary-General. It's not really a
pair of legs holding the interview, but that's all I really
remember about the scene. We get a weird aside about the
UNSG's dog, Clint. Um, okay...
Lab of Mummified Monster Musings. Ah, hell. Here comes
one of Japan's most irritating contributions to film: the
Mothra Exposition Fairies. The Exposition Fairies appear to
teleport Ozaki, Miyuki and Random Egghead to Infant Island
to drop some exposition. And here it is: Over 12,000 years
ago, Gigan (the mummified monster) came to Earth to trash
the place until Mothra kicked his can. Gigan is evil, and
Earth's mutants also have that evil in them (Ozaki is
understandably offended). However, Ozaki is told he can
choose to not act upon his evil impulses. In short, he'd
better be good for goodness sake, or Mothra will kick his
can, too. Ozaki is given a parting gift that, again, you'd think
is going to be really important, but isn't.
A quick aside about Mothra: Yes, Mothra is just a giant moth and totally girly. But over the years,
Mothra has show herself (yes, herself) to be the Rowdy Roddy Piper to Godzilla's Hulk Hogan, so
show some respect.
Mothra has show herself (yes, herself) to be the Rowdy Roddy Piper to Godzilla's Hulk Hogan, so
show some respect.
| Legendary soul mates Mothra (left) and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (right) |
The UNSG's jet. He's on his way to NYC when a giant monster appears to take out his plane
mid-air. Since Mothra seems like the type to be pro-globalization, I'm going to say it was probably
Rodan.
NYC. Some guy who has watched Superfly one too many times is getting his pink Cadilac towed.
Because this is the movie version of NYC, the guy pulls a gun on the cop writing him up. And
because this is the movie version of NYC, the cop isn't the least bit phased. But what's that behind
them? Rodan flies by, blowing off their hats (complete with wacky sound effects) before Superfly
and the cop are bowled over by a wall of fire. Don't know how I feel about this scene.
NEXT: More stomping!
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mid-air. Since Mothra seems like the type to be pro-globalization, I'm going to say it was probably
Rodan.
NYC. Some guy who has watched Superfly one too many times is getting his pink Cadilac towed.
Because this is the movie version of NYC, the guy pulls a gun on the cop writing him up. And
because this is the movie version of NYC, the cop isn't the least bit phased. But what's that behind
them? Rodan flies by, blowing off their hats (complete with wacky sound effects) before Superfly
and the cop are bowled over by a wall of fire. Don't know how I feel about this scene.
NEXT: More stomping!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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