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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
This entry into THE GAUNTLET is The People’s Challenge, meaning you
voted for it.
You had plenty of good options: Jaws: The Revenge would have been
voted for it.
You had plenty of good options: Jaws: The Revenge would have been
fun, and I would have had a field day with Batman & Robin. Even Wild Wild West would have been
palatable, knowing it would have been a great excuse to "research" cheesecake pictures of Salma
Hayek.
But no, you had to pick… this. You’re a sadistic bunch.
palatable, knowing it would have been a great excuse to "research" cheesecake pictures of Salma
Hayek.
But no, you had to pick… this. You’re a sadistic bunch.
GLITTER
* (2001, 103 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Superstardom made easy.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
This movie is like my own personal nightmare: I don’t like biopics -- particularly of musicians -- cuz
they’re usually plotless and hit all the same beats. I don’t like Mariah Carey’s style of singing, or
even her style of music. I don’t even find her to be as jaw-droopingly hot as I’m supposed to think
* (2001, 103 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Superstardom made easy.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
This movie is like my own personal nightmare: I don’t like biopics -- particularly of musicians -- cuz
they’re usually plotless and hit all the same beats. I don’t like Mariah Carey’s style of singing, or
even her style of music. I don’t even find her to be as jaw-droopingly hot as I’m supposed to think
| Okay, she's not hideous... |
she is. Hey, I don’t begrudge her the success and
fame that she’s acquired over the years -- it's just
doesn't appeal to me. At all.
What I’m getting at is that, even if this was a
brilliantly scripted, perfectly performed and smartly
made film -- a shining example of the best of its
genre -- it would still be an uphill battle for me.
Unfortunately, the film is none of those things.
We open on a slooooow pan up a nightclub
singer’s legs to reveal that it’s not Mariah Carey.
Not Mariah sings some soulful soul -- can we get
more of this in the film? -- but she’s too drunk or
whatever to make it even halfway through the
song. Instead, she calls up her pre-teen
daughter, clearly playing a Young Mariah Carey,
who’s having a tumbler of something at the bar.
I'd like to think it’s milk.
fame that she’s acquired over the years -- it's just
doesn't appeal to me. At all.
What I’m getting at is that, even if this was a
brilliantly scripted, perfectly performed and smartly
made film -- a shining example of the best of its
genre -- it would still be an uphill battle for me.
Unfortunately, the film is none of those things.
We open on a slooooow pan up a nightclub
singer’s legs to reveal that it’s not Mariah Carey.
Not Mariah sings some soulful soul -- can we get
more of this in the film? -- but she’s too drunk or
whatever to make it even halfway through the
song. Instead, she calls up her pre-teen
daughter, clearly playing a Young Mariah Carey,
who’s having a tumbler of something at the bar.
I'd like to think it’s milk.
Young MC joins mom onstage and immediately starts with the vocal masturbation. Guh. Whoever
did the subtitles for the DVD feels the same way, representing all 30 seconds of Young MC’s
warbling with single “Oh.”
Throughout the credits, we get a montage of just how crappy a mother Young MC’s mom is,
leading up to her burning down the house. This forces Young MC and her kitten (?) into an
orphanage, where she first meets her two obligatory multi-ethnic BFFs and eventually tranforms
into Mariah Carey.
It’s now 1983, and Maria- uh, I mean “Billie,” and her two obligatory multi-ethnic BFFs are all grown
up and hitting the New York City club scene. Yay dancing! The trio is “discovered” by Terrance
Howard and quickly sign on as backup singers for his squawky girlfriend. It takes Howard about
ten seconds of studio time to figure out that he needs to play Billie’s audio track over his girlfriend’s.
The single gets lots of play in the local clubs, calling for a live performance and a desperate
attempt to make Mariah Carey look like she’s in her early 20s.
did the subtitles for the DVD feels the same way, representing all 30 seconds of Young MC’s
warbling with single “Oh.”
Throughout the credits, we get a montage of just how crappy a mother Young MC’s mom is,
leading up to her burning down the house. This forces Young MC and her kitten (?) into an
orphanage, where she first meets her two obligatory multi-ethnic BFFs and eventually tranforms
into Mariah Carey.
It’s now 1983, and Maria- uh, I mean “Billie,” and her two obligatory multi-ethnic BFFs are all grown
up and hitting the New York City club scene. Yay dancing! The trio is “discovered” by Terrance
Howard and quickly sign on as backup singers for his squawky girlfriend. It takes Howard about
ten seconds of studio time to figure out that he needs to play Billie’s audio track over his girlfriend’s.
The single gets lots of play in the local clubs, calling for a live performance and a desperate
attempt to make Mariah Carey look like she’s in her early 20s.
| Nice hat... very "Alvin and the Chipmunks." |
The DJ at this particular club, who goes by the name of “Dice,” figures out the scam quickly and
tests out his theory with a game of Pass the Mic. All of the club-goers can magically rap, but then
tests out his theory with a game of Pass the Mic. All of the club-goers can magically rap, but then
| I so wish Andrew Dice Clay was in this movie. |
everything stops when Dice points to Billie. No, really: The
background turns into a blurry freeze, the music slows down and
Dice does the saddest sexy boy saunter over to Billie. All the while,
Mariah Carey simply stands there grinning as if her mouth had
been wired shut.
It is the cheesiest eight seconds of film I’ve ever seen.
Naturally, Mariah Carey’s Billie goes immediately to the vocal
masturbation, topped off with Carey’s patented high squeal that
everyone thinks is so great.
Ten minutes later, Dice has bargained Billie away from Terrance
Howard and signed her with a major record label. Like that's the
easiest thing in the world to do. As if to say, hey, why haven't you
been signed by a major record label yet?
background turns into a blurry freeze, the music slows down and
Dice does the saddest sexy boy saunter over to Billie. All the while,
Mariah Carey simply stands there grinning as if her mouth had
been wired shut.
It is the cheesiest eight seconds of film I’ve ever seen.
Naturally, Mariah Carey’s Billie goes immediately to the vocal
masturbation, topped off with Carey’s patented high squeal that
everyone thinks is so great.
Ten minutes later, Dice has bargained Billie away from Terrance
Howard and signed her with a major record label. Like that's the
easiest thing in the world to do. As if to say, hey, why haven't you
been signed by a major record label yet?
Maybe the quick signing had something to do with the fact that studio execs -- nearly all the men in
the film, actually -- act like Tex Avery's Whistlin' Wolf in those old cartoons. I have to wonder if Ms.
Carey required that to be added to the script.
the film, actually -- act like Tex Avery's Whistlin' Wolf in those old cartoons. I have to wonder if Ms.
Carey required that to be added to the script.
| (Above) How nearly every male in the film reacts to seeing Mariah Carey. |
So now Billie is a rising star, and she and Dice are
an item, and… you know, I’d rather punch myself in
the face repeatedly than revisit the nuts and bolts
of the story. Gee, do you think the corporate types
at the label will threaten Billie’s relationships with
her two obligatory multi-ethnic BFFs and Dice?
Think Mom will come back into play in the sappiest
way possible? Think the story will build up to The
Big Concert?
Instead, let’s go right to the parts that are
laughably inept.
an item, and… you know, I’d rather punch myself in
the face repeatedly than revisit the nuts and bolts
of the story. Gee, do you think the corporate types
at the label will threaten Billie’s relationships with
her two obligatory multi-ethnic BFFs and Dice?
Think Mom will come back into play in the sappiest
way possible? Think the story will build up to The
Big Concert?
Instead, let’s go right to the parts that are
laughably inept.
The script is a mess. Not only is the story horribly cliché, but it’s idiotic, too. Apparently,
someone’s idea of making the dialogue sound natural was to litter it with “you know”s. After a
scene where we see Billie and Dice hook up, we go to them in bed having pillow talk and they still
need to spell out the fact that they’ve just had sex.
The high point comes when Billie and Dice, now broken up and living in different parts of town,
telepathically write the same song. No, it’s not one of those musical contrivances where two
people are singing a duet about how much they miss each other -- they sing, and then Billie later
finds that Dice wrote the same song she was singing separately.
Mariah Carey admitted into hospital for “exhaustion” during the making of Glitter. I can certainly
understand -- I feel the same way after watching it.
someone’s idea of making the dialogue sound natural was to litter it with “you know”s. After a
scene where we see Billie and Dice hook up, we go to them in bed having pillow talk and they still
need to spell out the fact that they’ve just had sex.
The high point comes when Billie and Dice, now broken up and living in different parts of town,
telepathically write the same song. No, it’s not one of those musical contrivances where two
people are singing a duet about how much they miss each other -- they sing, and then Billie later
finds that Dice wrote the same song she was singing separately.
Mariah Carey admitted into hospital for “exhaustion” during the making of Glitter. I can certainly
understand -- I feel the same way after watching it.
