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GIGLI
* * (2003, 121 minutes, Rated R)
Five-letter word for "annoying," starts with "G."
I’ve gone on record in a past Crap of the Titans review that Ben Affleck is not a leper, and I
courageously stand by that statement. I wouldn’t call him the De Niro of our generation, but I’ve
enjoyed him in numerous films and he totally deserved that Golden Globe nomination for
Hollywoodland. That probably makes me pretty un-hip in the “flame first, ask questions later”
atmosphere of The Internets, but seriously, what did the guy do that was so wrong?
* * (2003, 121 minutes, Rated R)
Five-letter word for "annoying," starts with "G."
I’ve gone on record in a past Crap of the Titans review that Ben Affleck is not a leper, and I
courageously stand by that statement. I wouldn’t call him the De Niro of our generation, but I’ve
enjoyed him in numerous films and he totally deserved that Golden Globe nomination for
Hollywoodland. That probably makes me pretty un-hip in the “flame first, ask questions later”
atmosphere of The Internets, but seriously, what did the guy do that was so wrong?
 |
Ah, yes. Now I remember: It was the stink of the 24x7 media whore machine that was “Bennifer.”
Also, this movie poster doesn’t make me want to watch this movie -- it makes me want to dropkick
a baby.
(Legal Note: The Bargain Bin Review does not in any way endorse the dropkicking of minors.)
Right off the bat, there’s so much wrong with the movie: Ben Affleck is playing a mob tough guy
and he’s breaking the fourth wall. The Medeski Martin & Wood that’s playing suggests that this
will be a whimsical take on tough guys in L.A. (a la Get Shorty), which would be fine if the Affleck
character wasn’t currently threatening to spin-cycle a guy to death in a Laundromat.
Ben Affleck is Gigli, which he helpfully explains rhymes with “really.” What Gigli doesn’t need to
explain is that he really wants to be Chili Palmer. Problems:
Also, this movie poster doesn’t make me want to watch this movie -- it makes me want to dropkick
a baby.
(Legal Note: The Bargain Bin Review does not in any way endorse the dropkicking of minors.)
Right off the bat, there’s so much wrong with the movie: Ben Affleck is playing a mob tough guy
and he’s breaking the fourth wall. The Medeski Martin & Wood that’s playing suggests that this
will be a whimsical take on tough guys in L.A. (a la Get Shorty), which would be fine if the Affleck
character wasn’t currently threatening to spin-cycle a guy to death in a Laundromat.
Ben Affleck is Gigli, which he helpfully explains rhymes with “really.” What Gigli doesn’t need to
explain is that he really wants to be Chili Palmer. Problems:
- The “everybody mispronounces the main character’s name” gag is lame,
- Giving your major motion picture a title no one can pronounces is a terrible marketing
strategy, - On his best day, Gigli is no Chili Palmer.
Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
| Regardless of how you feel about Travolta, it's hard to argue that he wasn't the bomb as Chili Palmer in Get Shorty. |
Gigli’s boss, who may have Tourette’s, sends
Gigli to go “hang onto” the mentally disabled
brother of some east coast bigwig. The
mentally disabled brother swears a lot --
comedy! He says lots of random things and
sings rap songs from the late ‘80s -- handi-
comedy!
Then JLo shows up to use the phone.
Turns out that JLo’s Ricki was brought in
because the Tourette Boss doesn’t think Gigli
can do this job without screwing up. And he’s
probably right. As a result, much of the film
consists of Gigli and Ricki trying to co-exist,
learning to like and eventually trust each other.
That’s all well and good, but there’s a big
problem: Gigli is someone me and the guys
Gigli to go “hang onto” the mentally disabled
brother of some east coast bigwig. The
mentally disabled brother swears a lot --
comedy! He says lots of random things and
sings rap songs from the late ‘80s -- handi-
comedy!
Then JLo shows up to use the phone.
Turns out that JLo’s Ricki was brought in
because the Tourette Boss doesn’t think Gigli
can do this job without screwing up. And he’s
probably right. As a result, much of the film
consists of Gigli and Ricki trying to co-exist,
learning to like and eventually trust each other.
That’s all well and good, but there’s a big
problem: Gigli is someone me and the guys
from the Old Neighborhood would call a “jamoke.” What the WWE’s The Rock would have called
a “jabronie.”
a “jabronie.”
These are not complements.
Gigli is a dim-witted chauvinist who throws a hissy fit at the drop
of a hat. The fact that Ricki finds this preening meathead even
remotely interesting -- even as the tone of the film transforms
into a paint-by-numbers RomCom -- is beyond my suspension
of disbelief. And that’s coming from the guy who liked the
movie with all the zombie chickens.
Even cameos by Christopher Walken (!!) and Al Pacino (!!!!) can’
t save this film from being Not Terrible. Oh, the movie is
annoying as all hell but it’s Not Terrible enough to enjoy at its
own expense. It just… is. When it was over, I shut off the TV
and said, “Yes, I just finished watching a movie.”
And around these parts, that’s probably the worst kind of insult.
Gigli is a dim-witted chauvinist who throws a hissy fit at the drop
of a hat. The fact that Ricki finds this preening meathead even
remotely interesting -- even as the tone of the film transforms
into a paint-by-numbers RomCom -- is beyond my suspension
of disbelief. And that’s coming from the guy who liked the
movie with all the zombie chickens.
Even cameos by Christopher Walken (!!) and Al Pacino (!!!!) can’
t save this film from being Not Terrible. Oh, the movie is
annoying as all hell but it’s Not Terrible enough to enjoy at its
own expense. It just… is. When it was over, I shut off the TV
and said, “Yes, I just finished watching a movie.”
And around these parts, that’s probably the worst kind of insult.
| It's surprisingly hard to find a good cheesecake picture of JLo these days. |
| '10 Binnie Winner! |