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“No,” Nolahn replied. “You’re actually funny.”
When Nolahn is reviewing a film for the Bargain Bin Review, it’s very common for him to pause
the movie so he can jot down some notes or get another beer or weep. Me, not so much. The
remote control was made for human hands, not cat paws, so I have to use my nose to press the
buttons and that gets old in a hurry. I mention this so you can appreciate how extraordinary this
film is that I paused it so many times in the first six minutes.
00:30. Okay, nobody told me that this was a horror movie.
It’s bad enough that the film opens with some sort of happy hip-hoppy reggae “music” that is
definitely a form of animal cruelty. But then this DayGlo orange thing slides on the screen and
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
When Nolahn is reviewing a film for the Bargain Bin Review, it’s very common for him to pause
the movie so he can jot down some notes or get another beer or weep. Me, not so much. The
remote control was made for human hands, not cat paws, so I have to use my nose to press the
buttons and that gets old in a hurry. I mention this so you can appreciate how extraordinary this
film is that I paused it so many times in the first six minutes.
00:30. Okay, nobody told me that this was a horror movie.
It’s bad enough that the film opens with some sort of happy hip-hoppy reggae “music” that is
definitely a form of animal cruelty. But then this DayGlo orange thing slides on the screen and
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Every now and then, we take a break from reviewing crappy
films no one has ever heard of to review spectacularly bad
films that everyone has heard of. Brace yourself for another
installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
films no one has ever heard of to review spectacularly bad
films that everyone has heard of. Brace yourself for another
installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
GARFIELD: THE MOVIE
MEOW (2004, 82 minutes, Rated PG)
Featuring something to offend everyone.
MEOW (2004, 82 minutes, Rated PG)
Featuring something to offend everyone.
By Elmore, Official Cat of the Bargain Bin
Review. I’m not the dinosaur Nolahn is, so I
had to consult the oracles of The Internet
(i.e., Wikipedia) to learn all about this
“Garfield” fellow. Apparently, he’s a big deal.
Here’s how Garfield is described: “In addition
to being portrayed as lazy and fat, Garfield is
also pessimistic, sadistic, cynical, sarcastic
and sardonic.”
“Oh,” I told Nolahn, “so except for the fat part,
he’s exactly like me.”
Review. I’m not the dinosaur Nolahn is, so I
had to consult the oracles of The Internet
(i.e., Wikipedia) to learn all about this
“Garfield” fellow. Apparently, he’s a big deal.
Here’s how Garfield is described: “In addition
to being portrayed as lazy and fat, Garfield is
also pessimistic, sadistic, cynical, sarcastic
and sardonic.”
“Oh,” I told Nolahn, “so except for the fat part,
he’s exactly like me.”
I’m sorry, I thought Garfield was a cat. This monstrosity, this… thing is not a cat. Garfield looks
like a living stuffed animal, which is as creepy to me as talking babies must be to you lot.
02:00. It took me a full minute to realize what was wrong with this picture (besides the horribly
unreal looking cat). The cat has an alarm clock.
Repeat: The cat -- a species that sleeps nearly 16 hours a day, that does not have a day job or
appointments to keep -- has an alarm clock.
05:45. Wow, Garfield is a prick. The entire opening of the film is dedicated to highlighting how
much of a smug, insufferable bastard Garfield is. Turns out there’s an entire neighborhood of
like a living stuffed animal, which is as creepy to me as talking babies must be to you lot.
02:00. It took me a full minute to realize what was wrong with this picture (besides the horribly
unreal looking cat). The cat has an alarm clock.
Repeat: The cat -- a species that sleeps nearly 16 hours a day, that does not have a day job or
appointments to keep -- has an alarm clock.
05:45. Wow, Garfield is a prick. The entire opening of the film is dedicated to highlighting how
much of a smug, insufferable bastard Garfield is. Turns out there’s an entire neighborhood of
| Why? |
cats and dogs -- played by real cats and dogs, which only makes
Garfield look that much more freakish -- for Garfield to irritate. I’m
surprised he hasn’t wandered off set to start harassing the camera
crew. Why the entire nation went gaga over this a-hole back in the ’80s
is beyond me.
Also, Garfield spends a lot of time dancing. That’s just not right.
And it gets worse later on, when Garfield (voiced by the sublime Bill
Murray, obviously looking for a paycheck that doesn’t involve him getting
out of bed) sings a variation of an old Billy Joel song. Ever hear Bill
Murray sing? There’s a good reason for that.
Garfield look that much more freakish -- for Garfield to irritate. I’m
surprised he hasn’t wandered off set to start harassing the camera
crew. Why the entire nation went gaga over this a-hole back in the ’80s
is beyond me.
Also, Garfield spends a lot of time dancing. That’s just not right.
And it gets worse later on, when Garfield (voiced by the sublime Bill
Murray, obviously looking for a paycheck that doesn’t involve him getting
out of bed) sings a variation of an old Billy Joel song. Ever hear Bill
Murray sing? There’s a good reason for that.
On with the plot: Garfield’s human, Jon, takes him to the vet so he
can ask hottie veterinarian Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt) out on a date.
Instead, he goes home with a dog named Odie. Why Liz gives Jon
the time of day is one of the many mysteries left unanswered in this
film.
Garfield, unsurprisingly, is not pleased.
After more dancing and an incident at a dog show where Odie wins a
medal for… uh, something, Garfield causes Odie to get himself lost
(not hard, as dogs are stupid). Odie is eventually dog-napped by a
TV-show host played by Stephen Tobolowsky, and it’s up to Garfield
to get off his fat ass and save him.
If there’s any actor in this movie I’m disappointed in, it’s Stephen
Tobolowsky. Oh, there’s nothing wrong with his performance -- it’s
just disappointing that he’s in the film at all.
You probably don’t know Tobolowsky by his name. You’re more likely
to know him as Ned Ryerson, the annoying insurance salesman in
Groundhog Day (bing!). And you’ll definitely know him by sight.
can ask hottie veterinarian Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt) out on a date.
Instead, he goes home with a dog named Odie. Why Liz gives Jon
the time of day is one of the many mysteries left unanswered in this
film.
Garfield, unsurprisingly, is not pleased.
After more dancing and an incident at a dog show where Odie wins a
medal for… uh, something, Garfield causes Odie to get himself lost
(not hard, as dogs are stupid). Odie is eventually dog-napped by a
TV-show host played by Stephen Tobolowsky, and it’s up to Garfield
to get off his fat ass and save him.
If there’s any actor in this movie I’m disappointed in, it’s Stephen
Tobolowsky. Oh, there’s nothing wrong with his performance -- it’s
just disappointing that he’s in the film at all.
You probably don’t know Tobolowsky by his name. You’re more likely
to know him as Ned Ryerson, the annoying insurance salesman in
Groundhog Day (bing!). And you’ll definitely know him by sight.
| This guy. |
Stephen Tobolowsky is awesome. If there was a Hall of Justice for character actors, he’d be their
Superman. The guy’s got over 200 acting credits to his name, so he damn well should have
known better than to hitch his wagon to this mess.
Late in the movie, Tobolowsky’s character puts a shock collar on Odie in order to “train” him. And
all I could think is that I’d much rather wear a shock collar than have to sit through this film.
Superman. The guy’s got over 200 acting credits to his name, so he damn well should have
known better than to hitch his wagon to this mess.
Late in the movie, Tobolowsky’s character puts a shock collar on Odie in order to “train” him. And
all I could think is that I’d much rather wear a shock collar than have to sit through this film.
| She can deworm me anytime... |
Elmore, the Official Cat of the Bargain Bin Review, passed away in
November 2009. This review was one of two pieces he was working on
when he fell ill. Be sure to check out all of his work at our tribute page.
November 2009. This review was one of two pieces he was working on
when he fell ill. Be sure to check out all of his work at our tribute page.
W When I first assigned this film to Elmore, one thing I didn't account for the economic force behind the Garfield enterprise. It is mighty. In fact, I would use words like "colossal" and "behemoth" and "really frickin' big" to describe it. Example: Since debuting in 1978, Garfield has released nearly 50 books. That's a whole lot of fat jokes. Okay, so Jim Davis and Stephen King have an ongoing bet, big deal. Except those books are just collections of the comics -- they don't include the Garfield guide books, cook books, themed collections, anniversary books, holiday books or any of the other 616 books listed on Amazon. You lose, Mr. King. And that doesn't even touch the merchandising: the calendars and mugs and DVDs and t-shirts and pajamas and on and on. In short, I inadvertently pitted Elmore against the Donald Trump of comic strip characters, something I would not have asked of Elmore had I known that Garfield was, well, the Donald Trump of comic strip characters. Fortunately, Elmore is a cat (and a dead one), so I strongly doubt that there will be much in the way of legal ramifications. In the meantime, I wou-- uh, Elmore would like to point out that Garfield is much funnier when he's not in his own comic strip. Be sure to check out the absolutely brilliant Garfield Minus Garfield. |
| GARFIELD EATS CAPITALISM A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |