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THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE
* (1987, 97 minutes, Rated PG)
A rotten deal.
We open in Space, the Final Frontier. Credits are dealt out on cards, which I guess is the oh-so
clever way the filmmakers have tied the trading cards into the film. After the cards flip away, we see
the cheesiest garbage can-shaped space pod head towards Earth... where it has somehow
landed inside an antique store. Without disturbing a single thing in the building. Maybe it
teleported there? Or maybe the pod simply crashed through the roof and no one noticed.
Daytime! The '80s! Synthesizers! Mackenzie Austin of "The Facts of Life" fame (take that for what
* (1987, 97 minutes, Rated PG)
A rotten deal.
We open in Space, the Final Frontier. Credits are dealt out on cards, which I guess is the oh-so
clever way the filmmakers have tied the trading cards into the film. After the cards flip away, we see
the cheesiest garbage can-shaped space pod head towards Earth... where it has somehow
landed inside an antique store. Without disturbing a single thing in the building. Maybe it
teleported there? Or maybe the pod simply crashed through the roof and no one noticed.
Daytime! The '80s! Synthesizers! Mackenzie Austin of "The Facts of Life" fame (take that for what
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
I'm not quick to admit it, but I was a big Garbage Pail Kid fan back in the
day. I had a solid collection of cards -- not quite as big as my baseball
card collection, but close -- and I'd spend many a rainy Saturday
afternoons haggling and trading them with my sisters.
day. I had a solid collection of cards -- not quite as big as my baseball
card collection, but close -- and I'd spend many a rainy Saturday
afternoons haggling and trading them with my sisters.
what it's worth) runs and runs. Mac-Austin is being chased
through a park by a couple of '80s tuffs, meaning they look like
back-up dancers from a Paula Abdul video. Mac-Austin's
escape is cut off by the head tuff, "Juice," whose look I can only
describe as "viciously Miami Vice." They start hassling
Mac-Austin, calling him a "creep" (?) and demanding money.
It's worth pointing out that these four "bullies" (as Netflix
describes them) all appear to be well into their 20's, and they're
mugging a kid that can't be more than 14. Which really makes
them pretty sad crooks. I guess they really hated "The Facts of
Life."
We quickly learn that Mac-Austin works at the antique store for
The Captain, who we know is a captain because he wears a
marching band jacket. Also, everyone keeps calling him
"Captain." Cap is a bit touched in the head, lamenting that
we're not back in "simpler" times before "some damn fool
invented gunpowder." Uh, like the 19th century?
through a park by a couple of '80s tuffs, meaning they look like
back-up dancers from a Paula Abdul video. Mac-Austin's
escape is cut off by the head tuff, "Juice," whose look I can only
describe as "viciously Miami Vice." They start hassling
Mac-Austin, calling him a "creep" (?) and demanding money.
It's worth pointing out that these four "bullies" (as Netflix
describes them) all appear to be well into their 20's, and they're
mugging a kid that can't be more than 14. Which really makes
them pretty sad crooks. I guess they really hated "The Facts of
Life."
We quickly learn that Mac-Austin works at the antique store for
The Captain, who we know is a captain because he wears a
marching band jacket. Also, everyone keeps calling him
"Captain." Cap is a bit touched in the head, lamenting that
we're not back in "simpler" times before "some damn fool
invented gunpowder." Uh, like the 19th century?
Strangely, that's all I remember about them. I couldn't tell you how many Greaser Gregs I had, or
even name more than a couple 'Kids without any prompting. I couldn't tell you why I even liked the
cards. It's like I purposely blacked out those memories.
Which I probably did. I don't remember much from those years. I was in sixth or seventh grade at
the time, which means I was a raging jackass.
But even lil' raging jackass me knew that The Garbage Pail Kids Movie looked really, really stupid.
And on that note...
even name more than a couple 'Kids without any prompting. I couldn't tell you why I even liked the
cards. It's like I purposely blacked out those memories.
Which I probably did. I don't remember much from those years. I was in sixth or seventh grade at
the time, which means I was a raging jackass.
But even lil' raging jackass me knew that The Garbage Pail Kids Movie looked really, really stupid.
And on that note...
| Mackenzie Austin is the little muppet up top. No, that's George Clooney -- the other one. |
The Captain spends the movie speaking in quotes from Bartlett’s, talking about magic and
marveling in trash. Not that I, as a reviewer of bad movies, should talk. Cap tells Mac-Austin not to
touch the garbage can, comparing it to Pandora's Box. He then moves the can to the edge of a
precariously high shelf. I'm sure that won't be problematic later.
Later, Mac-Austin tries to chat up the unfortunately named Tangerine, a L.A. club girl who is easily
two feet taller than him (she also looks a decade older but I found out later that the actress, Katie
Barberi, was only 15 at the time). It goes about as well as you'd expect. Also, she's Juice's girl.
Aw, snap! Wow, I really hope Juice and his gang don’t come walking i-- oh well. Mac-Austin
channels his inner Jackie Chan, using various antiquities to dodge the toughs, and that works
marveling in trash. Not that I, as a reviewer of bad movies, should talk. Cap tells Mac-Austin not to
touch the garbage can, comparing it to Pandora's Box. He then moves the can to the edge of a
precariously high shelf. I'm sure that won't be problematic later.
Later, Mac-Austin tries to chat up the unfortunately named Tangerine, a L.A. club girl who is easily
two feet taller than him (she also looks a decade older but I found out later that the actress, Katie
Barberi, was only 15 at the time). It goes about as well as you'd expect. Also, she's Juice's girl.
Aw, snap! Wow, I really hope Juice and his gang don’t come walking i-- oh well. Mac-Austin
channels his inner Jackie Chan, using various antiquities to dodge the toughs, and that works
| Note to self: Watch a Jackie Chan movie immediately. |
until all the roughhousing causes the precariously
placed garbage can to come tumbling down.
And the Garbage Pail Kids still don't show up for
another five or ten minutes. Once they arrived, I
wished they hadn't. Yes, the ’Kids are meant to
look like f’d up versions of Cabbage Patch Kids, but
this is just stupid. You really can’t comprehend
how absurd and unrealistic they look -- they seem
to be little folk wearing masks from Genesis’ "Land
of Confusion" video. They all run around the
antique store in a way that’s supposed to resemble
placed garbage can to come tumbling down.
And the Garbage Pail Kids still don't show up for
another five or ten minutes. Once they arrived, I
wished they hadn't. Yes, the ’Kids are meant to
look like f’d up versions of Cabbage Patch Kids, but
this is just stupid. You really can’t comprehend
how absurd and unrealistic they look -- they seem
to be little folk wearing masks from Genesis’ "Land
of Confusion" video. They all run around the
antique store in a way that’s supposed to resemble
manic wackiness. It doesn’t.
Cap arrives, and he‘s not amused. He declares the ’Kids to be Mac-Austin’s problem, so it’s time
for roll-call!
Cap arrives, and he‘s not amused. He declares the ’Kids to be Mac-Austin’s problem, so it’s time
for roll-call!
- Greaser Greg, who looks like a caricature of Bowser from Sha Na Na. He’s quick to pull a
switch-blade. Family fun! - Messy Tessy, who leaks an endless amount of snot. Charming.
- Windy Winston and his Hawaiian shirt. He manages to make it thought roll-call without
farting. - Foul Phil, a toddler. His reason for being in the film is never justified.
- Nat Nerd, a zit-faced kid in a superhero costume who inexplicably wets himself often. And I’
m desperately trying to figure out why I liked these as a kid. - Valery Vomit, no further explanation needed. Amazingly, she only vomits once in the film.
- Ali Gator, who is half-man, half-croc a la the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He eats
eyeballs. Just like a real alligator?
| Yeah, it's like this. |
Okay, let's recap: We have a pack of
mischievous mutants from another
planet under the stewardship of a
teenager. Not a terrible set-up, in
the scheme of things.
So where does the movie go from
here? You won't believe it: fashion
show drama.
Yes, turns out that Tangerine is
trying to break into the fashion
industry as a designer. To help
Mac-Austin get her attention, the
mischievous mutants from another
planet under the stewardship of a
teenager. Not a terrible set-up, in
the scheme of things.
So where does the movie go from
here? You won't believe it: fashion
show drama.
Yes, turns out that Tangerine is
trying to break into the fashion
industry as a designer. To help
Mac-Austin get her attention, the
'Kids make him a Michael Jackson-esque sequenced jacket. Before you know it, Tangerine has
turned the 'Kids into her own personal sweat shop. Believe it or not, this story takes up the lion's
share of the film.
A marginally more interesting sub-plot comes when the 'Kids demand that, in exchange for their
sweat shop work, Mac-Austin and Cap find their missing friends who are being held in the State
Home for the Ugly. Despite the fact that the State Home for the Ugly is "like a prison," complete
with armed guards, Mac-Austin and Cap seemingly break in at will. Fortunate, because Juice
kidnaps the 'Kids at one point and sells them to the State Home. Rather horrifically, we discover
that those missing friends of the 'Kids have been killed off by the State Home -- in a throw-away
line, accompanied by whimsical escape music!
The film builds up to the Big Fashion Show, where the 'Kids sneak in and beat up Juice and his
gang in the most unsatisfying manner possible. Then they set about ripping clothes off models
and assaulting the audience with various body excretions. And this teaches us an important
lesson about inner beauty, or something.
turned the 'Kids into her own personal sweat shop. Believe it or not, this story takes up the lion's
share of the film.
A marginally more interesting sub-plot comes when the 'Kids demand that, in exchange for their
sweat shop work, Mac-Austin and Cap find their missing friends who are being held in the State
Home for the Ugly. Despite the fact that the State Home for the Ugly is "like a prison," complete
with armed guards, Mac-Austin and Cap seemingly break in at will. Fortunate, because Juice
kidnaps the 'Kids at one point and sells them to the State Home. Rather horrifically, we discover
that those missing friends of the 'Kids have been killed off by the State Home -- in a throw-away
line, accompanied by whimsical escape music!
The film builds up to the Big Fashion Show, where the 'Kids sneak in and beat up Juice and his
gang in the most unsatisfying manner possible. Then they set about ripping clothes off models
and assaulting the audience with various body excretions. And this teaches us an important
lesson about inner beauty, or something.
Needless to say, this is a terminally dull movie. At one point, the
'Kids sneak out of the antique shop and into a movie theater
playing "The Three Stooges." It's a heartbreaking scene, only
because I would have given anything to be watching "The Three
Stooges" instead of this film.
Not only is this film review part of THE GAUNTLET, it
was also part of the Invasion of the B-Movies 11th
Mass Invasion.
'Kids sneak out of the antique shop and into a movie theater
playing "The Three Stooges." It's a heartbreaking scene, only
because I would have given anything to be watching "The Three
Stooges" instead of this film.
Not only is this film review part of THE GAUNTLET, it
was also part of the Invasion of the B-Movies 11th
Mass Invasion.
