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FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY:
THE TALE OF TWO AMERICAN IDOLS
* (2003, 81 minutes, Rated PG)
With 200% more hot texting action!
Right off the bat, I was given the choice between the Theatrical Release and the Extended Version
(containing two new dance numbers!). Believe it or not, I am not a complete sadist, so we will be
discussing the Theatrical Release here.
We open with a bit of vocal masturbation from Kelly Clarkson. And if you've ever watched an
THE TALE OF TWO AMERICAN IDOLS
* (2003, 81 minutes, Rated PG)
With 200% more hot texting action!
Right off the bat, I was given the choice between the Theatrical Release and the Extended Version
(containing two new dance numbers!). Believe it or not, I am not a complete sadist, so we will be
discussing the Theatrical Release here.
We open with a bit of vocal masturbation from Kelly Clarkson. And if you've ever watched an
 |
episode of "American Idol," then you know
exactly what vocal masturbation is: a singer's
ability to warble madly -- with super-sized
passion, if you will -- stretching out single
syllables for well over a dozen notes.
Kelly Clarkson plays Kelly, just a small-town
girl, livin' in a lovely world. Before she can
take that midnight train goin' anywhere, Kelly's
two BFFs (BitchBarbie and TheOtherOne)
show up to talk her into driving them to Miami
for Spring Break. Kelly demurs at first -- all
those scantly clad college kids partying on the
beach "isn't her scene" -- but she quickly
gives in. Cue a terrible cover!
Post-Credits, we meet "The Pennsylvania
Posse": "American Idol" also ran and
Sideshow Bob look-alike Justin Guarini,
DorkHat and Lunk McAbs. As they
pedeconference around the streets of Miami,
exactly what vocal masturbation is: a singer's
ability to warble madly -- with super-sized
passion, if you will -- stretching out single
syllables for well over a dozen notes.
Kelly Clarkson plays Kelly, just a small-town
girl, livin' in a lovely world. Before she can
take that midnight train goin' anywhere, Kelly's
two BFFs (BitchBarbie and TheOtherOne)
show up to talk her into driving them to Miami
for Spring Break. Kelly demurs at first -- all
those scantly clad college kids partying on the
beach "isn't her scene" -- but she quickly
gives in. Cue a terrible cover!
Post-Credits, we meet "The Pennsylvania
Posse": "American Idol" also ran and
Sideshow Bob look-alike Justin Guarini,
DorkHat and Lunk McAbs. As they
pedeconference around the streets of Miami,
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July 4, 2010. This review is the third film in THE GAUNTLET, and I couldn't have thought of a more
perfect selection for the 4th of July. Not only was this film democratically elected in a past Reader's
Appreciation Poll, but this film represents the best and worst of the American Dream.
That film, of course, is...
perfect selection for the 4th of July. Not only was this film democratically elected in a past Reader's
Appreciation Poll, but this film represents the best and worst of the American Dream.
That film, of course, is...
| Kelly Clarkson (above) has since given up singing to fight crime. |
they discuss all the clubs that want them to promote parties or whatever. That's when Lunk McAbs
unveils his masterpiece... a whipped cream bikini contest. I rolled my eyes so hard, I think I pulled
a muscle in my face.
DorkHat isn't too enthused about the whipped cream bikini contest because he's lactose
intolerant. Ha ha, these are the jokes, people! Also, DorkHat only has eyes for this girl he's been
"cyber-chatting" with. "You guys should see her Web Page! It's really well designed!" Yes,
DorkHat is down with the lingo.
But at least DorkHat makes an impression. A good amount of the film is devoted to talking about
how much of a "player" Justin is, but you hardly notice he's even on the screen. Justin could very
well have been replaced with a bowl of fruit, and I wouldn't have noticed.
unveils his masterpiece... a whipped cream bikini contest. I rolled my eyes so hard, I think I pulled
a muscle in my face.
DorkHat isn't too enthused about the whipped cream bikini contest because he's lactose
intolerant. Ha ha, these are the jokes, people! Also, DorkHat only has eyes for this girl he's been
"cyber-chatting" with. "You guys should see her Web Page! It's really well designed!" Yes,
DorkHat is down with the lingo.
But at least DorkHat makes an impression. A good amount of the film is devoted to talking about
how much of a "player" Justin is, but you hardly notice he's even on the screen. Justin could very
well have been replaced with a bowl of fruit, and I wouldn't have noticed.
| And introducing a Bowl of Fruit as Justin. |
Having met all the players, we're off to the kind of beach party
regularly featured on MTV circa 1993. Kelly's strutting through
the crowd with her BFFs, Justin's strutting through the crowd
with his BFFs, and just when you think it's time for them to
Meet Cute, they start singing. Which must've been really
annoying for the band already performing on stage.
Yes, the entire crowd suddenly starts dancing in sync. I
always thought it'd be disorienting to live in a world where that
kind of thing routinely happens.
regularly featured on MTV circa 1993. Kelly's strutting through
the crowd with her BFFs, Justin's strutting through the crowd
with his BFFs, and just when you think it's time for them to
Meet Cute, they start singing. Which must've been really
annoying for the band already performing on stage.
Yes, the entire crowd suddenly starts dancing in sync. I
always thought it'd be disorienting to live in a world where that
kind of thing routinely happens.
The Meet Cute moment happens when Kelly sees Justin beatboxin' while Lunk McAbs breaks out
some dope lyrics for DorkHat about how to pick up chicks -- I believe it involves "being smooth." If
you're looking for advice from Lunk McAbs about how to meet women, then you definitely deserve
to sit through this film.
Look, the plot is stunningly lame, so I'm just gonna sum up at this point: Somewhere between the
beatboxing and the chance encounter in the bathroom that ended with Kelly throwing Justin out
the window (hee!), the two become interested in each other. But for reasons too pathetic to
believe, BitchBarbie wants Justin all for herself. So when Justin loses Kelly's phone number,
BitchBarbie passes off her own number as Kelly's, allowing BitchBarbie to send demoralizing text
messages. Shenanigans ensue.
Most of the shenanigans lead to musical numbers (it is a musical, I shouldn't have been too
surprised), which span from palatable jaw-droppingly bad. All of the music numbers
some dope lyrics for DorkHat about how to pick up chicks -- I believe it involves "being smooth." If
you're looking for advice from Lunk McAbs about how to meet women, then you definitely deserve
to sit through this film.
Look, the plot is stunningly lame, so I'm just gonna sum up at this point: Somewhere between the
beatboxing and the chance encounter in the bathroom that ended with Kelly throwing Justin out
the window (hee!), the two become interested in each other. But for reasons too pathetic to
believe, BitchBarbie wants Justin all for herself. So when Justin loses Kelly's phone number,
BitchBarbie passes off her own number as Kelly's, allowing BitchBarbie to send demoralizing text
messages. Shenanigans ensue.
Most of the shenanigans lead to musical numbers (it is a musical, I shouldn't have been too
surprised), which span from palatable jaw-droppingly bad. All of the music numbers
| ...I don't know. |
feel off: either the choreography is
awkward or the lyrics or strange or
the tune is cheesy... often it's some
combination of the three.
One especially cheesetastic piece
takes place during Justin and Kelly's
date, where they sit far apart from
each other on a motorboat and sing a
Luther Vandross-style power ballad
to the horizon. The slow dissolves
from one to the other is only outdone
by the final shot of them sailing into
the sunset.
When not being subjected to musical
awkward or the lyrics or strange or
the tune is cheesy... often it's some
combination of the three.
One especially cheesetastic piece
takes place during Justin and Kelly's
date, where they sit far apart from
each other on a motorboat and sing a
Luther Vandross-style power ballad
to the horizon. The slow dissolves
from one to the other is only outdone
by the final shot of them sailing into
the sunset.
When not being subjected to musical
numbers, we get scenes of TheOtherOne getting involved with a local, DorkHat's humiliation
parade, a frickin' hovercraft competition and Lunk McAbs receiving tickets from a beach cop who
"magically" turns into a hottie once her beach patrol ball cap comes off. I'm just surprised that
they didn't make the beach cop wear glasses before her big reveal.
By the end, we're supposed to have learned a lesson about "true love." Apparently it involves
putting up with a lot of stupid crap. And it's all topped off with a horrific cover of the KC and the
Sunshine Band classic, "That's the Way (I Like It)." That's the moment where this film moved from
really bad to criminal offense.
parade, a frickin' hovercraft competition and Lunk McAbs receiving tickets from a beach cop who
"magically" turns into a hottie once her beach patrol ball cap comes off. I'm just surprised that
they didn't make the beach cop wear glasses before her big reveal.
By the end, we're supposed to have learned a lesson about "true love." Apparently it involves
putting up with a lot of stupid crap. And it's all topped off with a horrific cover of the KC and the
Sunshine Band classic, "That's the Way (I Like It)." That's the moment where this film moved from
really bad to criminal offense.
Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
| '11 Binnie Winner! |