THE FLINTSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS
* (2000, 91 minutes, Rated PG)
Dumb as a... stone?
I grew up watching “The Flintstones.” For those of you
youngin’s who only know “The Flintstones” as cereal
mascots, here’s the deal: “The Flintstones” was an
animated take on “The Honeymooners” set in prehistoric
times. In fact, remove all the petrology puns and dinosaurs
standing in for modern conveniences, and you basically
had “The Honeymooners.“
The show turned out to be just as popular as “The
Honeymooners,” and during it’s six-year run, ran through
all the same kind of trappings as many other sitcoms. You
know, guest stars, babies, that kind of thing. Obviously
running on creative fumes by the final season, the show
added a magical alien that only Fred and Barney could see.
Whatever. The introduction of The Great Gazoo is widely
considered the “jumping the shark” moment for “The
Flintstones” -- Gazoo is like the Cousin Oliver of the show.
Surely, no live-action feature film adaptation of “The
Flintstones” would incl--
Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
Tournament and a Nic Cage-aficionado. As befitting a guy who started a giant association of bloggers,
I’ve always found Dylan to be friendly, approachable and supportive.
Then he challenged me with this film. I have no idea of what I did to piss him off.
|FUN (?) FACTS: Between the
ages of 4 and 14, Nolahn ate
Cocoa Pebbles for breakfast
every Monday thru Saturday.
Also, he remembers getting
those coin holders.
This is what we open The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas with, immediately after the Univershell
(ugh) Pictures logo. I’m not sure what happens in this opening scene, because I was smashing
my hand with an iron in an attempt to make myself pass out from the pain. It didn’t work. Also, I
now have to type up this review one-handed. The long and short is that Gazoo (Alan Cumming,
clearly being punished for something) is sent off to Earth to observe the mating rituals of the
… like Fred (Mark Addy, killing his career) and Barney (Stephen Baldwin of The Value Pack), who
have just graduated to fulfilling jobs at the rock
quarry. See, this film is a prequel. Now you too
will have all those burning questions answered
about how those characters from that 50-year-old
cartoon that doesn’t even run on Cartoon Network
anymore got together.
Also, you get your first dinosaur fart joke before
the five-minute mark.
Meanwhile, Wilma (Kristen Johnston from “3rd
Rock from the Sun,” in need of a new agent) is
sick of being smothered by her incredibly rich
mom (Joan Collins) and would-be suitor Chip
|No, that's not Thor... That's Stephen
Baldwin as Barney Rubble.
Rockefeller (Thomas Gibson). All she wants to do is go bowling, which is so much more fun than
watching this movie! She runs away from home and quickly becomes friends with Betty (Jane
Krakowski from "30 Rock").
Meanwhile, I repeatedly check the time and desperately try to remember why I thought reviewing
bad movies would be fun.
You know what? Screw the plot of this movie. I’m not even going to bother. Just the act of writing it
up is boring me to tears.
The filmmakers even managed to sully one of the few really good one-hit wonders from the turn of
the century. I’d much rather watch that video than talk about this movie. In fact, let’s do that.
Cuz here’s the thing: The entire film is all caricatures and cartoon physics. No one acts, they just
do impressions. Clearly, Oscar-caliber performances aren’t called for in live-screen adaptations of
cartoons, but it’s as if everyone just assumed the goofy voices and caveman attire would do all the
work. And when you’re in a world where everything is accompanied by cartoon-y sound effects,
where Fred can completely empty out a swimming pool while doing a cannon ball and float eight
feet in the air while yelling “Yabba-dabba-do,” where there’s a grating green deus ex machina
floating around, then none of the conflict matters.
Seriously. Late in the film, Fred and Barney break out of jail when Barney simply squeezed
between the bars. He unlocks the cell, they leave. And the fact that they’d been arrested and broke
out of jail is never alluded to again.
So who cares about the story? Which, by the way, everyone knows will end with our characters
Let’s review: In The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, we have a prequel that no one was clamoring
for that with no credible conflict to make the journey to the ending everyone knows is going to
happen at least somewhat interesting. And also, The Great Gazoo.
“Dum dum,” indeed.