FEAR FACTORS
The Top Six Things that Make Nolahn Want to Wet 'Em.
YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THIS PIECE IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH.
It's that most wonderful time of the year... where we encourage our young ones to dress up in
macabre costumes and pester our neighbors for free candy... where the American Movie Classic
channel airs such American classic films as Halloween 4 and Resident Evil... where Mrs. Nolahn
feels the need to gorge herself on an entire bag of candy corn in one sitting. Yes, Halloween truly
is the Silly Season.
Know what else is silly? Fear. Specifically, other people's fears. For example, I have a sister who
is deathly afraid of Lucille Ball -- and no, Lucille Ball never did anything to her. Silly, right? Inane,
perhaps even suggesting some kind of psychosis? Maybe, but Lucille Ball strikes very real terror
in my sister.
With that -- and your need to point and laugh at something -- in mind, I present to you the Top Six
Things I Fear Most:
The Top Six Things that Make Nolahn Want to Wet 'Em.
YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THIS PIECE IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH.
It's that most wonderful time of the year... where we encourage our young ones to dress up in
macabre costumes and pester our neighbors for free candy... where the American Movie Classic
channel airs such American classic films as Halloween 4 and Resident Evil... where Mrs. Nolahn
feels the need to gorge herself on an entire bag of candy corn in one sitting. Yes, Halloween truly
is the Silly Season.
Know what else is silly? Fear. Specifically, other people's fears. For example, I have a sister who
is deathly afraid of Lucille Ball -- and no, Lucille Ball never did anything to her. Silly, right? Inane,
perhaps even suggesting some kind of psychosis? Maybe, but Lucille Ball strikes very real terror
in my sister.
With that -- and your need to point and laugh at something -- in mind, I present to you the Top Six
Things I Fear Most:
6) FIRE
Frankenstein's Monster and I have more in common than a square head -- the innate fear of fire.
Though mine (my fear of fire, not my square head) comes from a true story:
Frankenstein's Monster and I have more in common than a square head -- the innate fear of fire.
Though mine (my fear of fire, not my square head) comes from a true story:
I had this friend in junior high who
was a total pyromaniac -- and not in a
good way. His idea of a good time
was to boost the flame level on his
Bic lighter and then hold the lit lighter
under someone's butt walking out of
the lunchroom until they felt it.
Then, during our 8th grade overnight
class trip, he bought a hobby welding
torch. That night, around 3AM, he got
it in his head to light the torch and
chase me around the hotel room with
was a total pyromaniac -- and not in a
good way. His idea of a good time
was to boost the flame level on his
Bic lighter and then hold the lit lighter
under someone's butt walking out of
the lunchroom until they felt it.
Then, during our 8th grade overnight
class trip, he bought a hobby welding
torch. That night, around 3AM, he got
it in his head to light the torch and
chase me around the hotel room with
it. And yes, I still to this day fully believe he would have lit me on fire with it if he'd caught me.
Fortunately, he tripped over a pillow and burned a hole in the rug first.
Fortunately, he tripped over a pillow and burned a hole in the rug first.
5) RATS
For me, Crispin Glover is NOT the creepiest thing on this
movie poster. Not by a long shot.
I wish I knew why rats freak me out so much -- I don't have a
good story about rats like I do with fire. Maybe it's the urban
legend. Or maybe there's something about a nasty, snarling
little sewer-dwellers with over-teeth and beady little eyes that
makes my blood run cold.
Creepy.
For me, Crispin Glover is NOT the creepiest thing on this
movie poster. Not by a long shot.
I wish I knew why rats freak me out so much -- I don't have a
good story about rats like I do with fire. Maybe it's the urban
legend. Or maybe there's something about a nasty, snarling
little sewer-dwellers with over-teeth and beady little eyes that
makes my blood run cold.
Creepy.
4) SPACING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION WITH A
WOMAN IN A WAY THAT CAUSES HER TO BELIEVE I'M STARING AT
HER BREASTS
Because I do a fair share of spacing out, and I really don't want to be that guy.
Also, it gives me a way to work boobs into the column. These Internet hits don't drive themselves,
people!
WOMAN IN A WAY THAT CAUSES HER TO BELIEVE I'M STARING AT
HER BREASTS
Because I do a fair share of spacing out, and I really don't want to be that guy.
Also, it gives me a way to work boobs into the column. These Internet hits don't drive themselves,
people!
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