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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
This entry into THE GAUNTLET comes courtesy of a direct challenge
from the gang over at 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog.
If you haven’t had the opportunity, make sure you
from the gang over at 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog.
If you haven’t had the opportunity, make sure you
So I approached this film like a scientist studying an
abnormality: How will a clear-cut assassin fit into the
superhero formula? And, more intriguing to me, how does
one make a movie about a hot ninja lady boring?
We open with some storybook narration rambling on about
the ongoing battle between good and evil. These days, evil
is represented by The Hand, a clan of corporate ninjas. At
least they get a name -- the good guys are just some other
unnamed ninja clan. That the good guy ninjas can perform
various sorts of necromancy doesn’t seem very good guy-
ish to me, but whatever.
abnormality: How will a clear-cut assassin fit into the
superhero formula? And, more intriguing to me, how does
one make a movie about a hot ninja lady boring?
We open with some storybook narration rambling on about
the ongoing battle between good and evil. These days, evil
is represented by The Hand, a clan of corporate ninjas. At
least they get a name -- the good guys are just some other
unnamed ninja clan. That the good guy ninjas can perform
various sorts of necromancy doesn’t seem very good guy-
ish to me, but whatever.
check out this fantastic blog. The 24 Hours to Midnight folks have all the
same love for bargain fare as The ‘Bin but show that love haiku-style. Bonus
for those of you with a low threshold for reading!
Also, their love of Bai Ling is well-documented. I can only assume that Bai
Ling would have approved of the film 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog
challenged me with...
same love for bargain fare as The ‘Bin but show that love haiku-style. Bonus
for those of you with a low threshold for reading!
Also, their love of Bai Ling is well-documented. I can only assume that Bai
Ling would have approved of the film 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog
challenged me with...
| Bai Ling Approved? |
ELEKTRA
* * * (2005, 104 minutes, Rated PG)
Encyclopedia Nolahn and the Case of the Hot Ninja Lady
Elektra, a spin-off of the much unliked 2003 Daredevil featuring a bit player in the Marvel Universe,
exists in a strange space. Elektra isn’t a superhero per say -- she’s a ninja with some very minor
telepathic abilities. And she’s not even a heroic, fighting-for-those-who-can’t good guy type of
ninja, like Iron Fist or Jim Kelly -- she’s an assassin.
* * * (2005, 104 minutes, Rated PG)
Encyclopedia Nolahn and the Case of the Hot Ninja Lady
Elektra, a spin-off of the much unliked 2003 Daredevil featuring a bit player in the Marvel Universe,
exists in a strange space. Elektra isn’t a superhero per say -- she’s a ninja with some very minor
telepathic abilities. And she’s not even a heroic, fighting-for-those-who-can’t good guy type of
ninja, like Iron Fist or Jim Kelly -- she’s an assassin.
| A sexy assassin. |
There’s also a legend of a woman warrior, a lost soul, whose is destined to tip the balance
between good and evil. Can’t imagine who that’s going to be…
Now we’re holed up with some guy in a snow-bound facility, talking with his newly hired head of
security about how he shouldn’t have hired his security team. Well, that’s encouraging. The dude
knows Elektra is coming for him. He seems to almost fetishize Elektra, which is only weird
because she’s coming to kill him.
between good and evil. Can’t imagine who that’s going to be…
Now we’re holed up with some guy in a snow-bound facility, talking with his newly hired head of
security about how he shouldn’t have hired his security team. Well, that’s encouraging. The dude
knows Elektra is coming for him. He seems to almost fetishize Elektra, which is only weird
because she’s coming to kill him.
| Elektra and her wind machine hard at work. |
Sure enough, here comes Jennifer Garner and her wind
machine, cutting through everyone like a hot knife through
butter. Well, that was easy.
You’d think that Elektra, what with all the assassinatin’, was a
member of The Hand like she is in the comics. Nope. Elektra
is an independent contractor, just like John Cusack’s character
in Gross Point Blank. Only instead of being accompanied by
‘80s alternative music and Joan Cusack, Elektra scrubs her
own floors and has an “agent” who tries to guilt trip her about
the extra body count.
Now if you sat through Daredevil, you’re probably wondering
things like, “Why did I sit through Daredevil?” and “Wait, wasn’t
Elektra killed in that movie?” Indeed she was. On her ferry ride
to her next assignment, Elektra gives us a handy flashback to
fill her in: She was resurrected by the good guys and trained in
their ways. While she was named “Most Powerful” in her
class, her sensei votes her off the island because she doesn’t
know “The Way.".
machine, cutting through everyone like a hot knife through
butter. Well, that was easy.
You’d think that Elektra, what with all the assassinatin’, was a
member of The Hand like she is in the comics. Nope. Elektra
is an independent contractor, just like John Cusack’s character
in Gross Point Blank. Only instead of being accompanied by
‘80s alternative music and Joan Cusack, Elektra scrubs her
own floors and has an “agent” who tries to guilt trip her about
the extra body count.
Now if you sat through Daredevil, you’re probably wondering
things like, “Why did I sit through Daredevil?” and “Wait, wasn’t
Elektra killed in that movie?” Indeed she was. On her ferry ride
to her next assignment, Elektra gives us a handy flashback to
fill her in: She was resurrected by the good guys and trained in
their ways. While she was named “Most Powerful” in her
class, her sensei votes her off the island because she doesn’t
know “The Way.".
| We here at the Bargain Bin Review absolutely know "The Way." |
We also learn that ninjas have
OCD, which might actually be
handy for ninjas.
Elektra eventually meets Dr. Luka
from “ER” and his klepto teenage
daughter, Abby. Abby tries to set
Dr. Luka up with Elektra over
Christmas dinner, and that goes
over about as well as a lead
balloon.
Roger Ebert’s economy of
characters will tell you that Elektra’
s next assignments are Dr. Luka
and Abby. She pulls out her
bitchin’ Bow of Assassining +3...
but can’t bring herself to make the
shot. Looks like she’s either in
love with that guy or has a
newfound respect for life.
Ninjas show up almost instantly to
take out Dr. Luka and Abby, but
Elektra shows up and does her
OCD, which might actually be
handy for ninjas.
Elektra eventually meets Dr. Luka
from “ER” and his klepto teenage
daughter, Abby. Abby tries to set
Dr. Luka up with Elektra over
Christmas dinner, and that goes
over about as well as a lead
balloon.
Roger Ebert’s economy of
characters will tell you that Elektra’
s next assignments are Dr. Luka
and Abby. She pulls out her
bitchin’ Bow of Assassining +3...
but can’t bring herself to make the
shot. Looks like she’s either in
love with that guy or has a
newfound respect for life.
Ninjas show up almost instantly to
take out Dr. Luka and Abby, but
Elektra shows up and does her
thing with the jumping and kicking and whatnot. Strangely, The Hand ninjas turn into a cloud of stink gas when
killed. Stink Hand?
Folks back at The Hand HQ aren’t too pleased. While the Handies discuss the situation, the head of The Hand --
the Middle Finger, if you will -- stares off into the distance and plays with his rosary beads. His son wants a shot
at Elektra, so Sonny and his young punks -- Sonny‘s nWo -- head out.
killed. Stink Hand?
Folks back at The Hand HQ aren’t too pleased. While the Handies discuss the situation, the head of The Hand --
the Middle Finger, if you will -- stares off into the distance and plays with his rosary beads. His son wants a shot
at Elektra, so Sonny and his young punks -- Sonny‘s nWo -- head out.
| Sonny's gang is just like this, but ninjas. |
It’s pretty standard stuff from here on out, with Elektra trying to protect Dr. Luka
and Abby from the nWo. At least the nWo showcases some original super-
powers, such as the ability shoot CGI animals out of tattoos like some kind of
walking laser show. I didn’t say they were good super-powers, just original.
Unfortunately, the filmmakers get a little too cutesy with the fight scenes,
playing with the speed of the action far too much and robbing the scenes of
their excitement in the process.
We also meet the head good guy, a blind pool hustler named Stick played by
Terrance Stamp. I really hoped for a scene where he demands someone
“Kneel before Stick!” No such luck.
All in all, the film isn’t aggressively bad… just kinda bland. It’s too bad the
filmmakers went in more of a superhero/fantasy direction instead of a more
realistic assassin direction -- the latter would have added some weight to the
and Abby from the nWo. At least the nWo showcases some original super-
powers, such as the ability shoot CGI animals out of tattoos like some kind of
walking laser show. I didn’t say they were good super-powers, just original.
Unfortunately, the filmmakers get a little too cutesy with the fight scenes,
playing with the speed of the action far too much and robbing the scenes of
their excitement in the process.
We also meet the head good guy, a blind pool hustler named Stick played by
Terrance Stamp. I really hoped for a scene where he demands someone
“Kneel before Stick!” No such luck.
All in all, the film isn’t aggressively bad… just kinda bland. It’s too bad the
filmmakers went in more of a superhero/fantasy direction instead of a more
realistic assassin direction -- the latter would have added some weight to the
action, as if anything could happen. Instead, the outcome is never really in doubt, and everything feels… safe.
And “safe” is not what a hot ninja lady movie should be.
Now that you've read Nolahn's take, make sure you check out the review haiku of
Elektra over at 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog.
And “safe” is not what a hot ninja lady movie should be.
Now that you've read Nolahn's take, make sure you check out the review haiku of
Elektra over at 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog.
