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DOUBLE TEAM
* * * (1997, 93 minutes, Rated R)
More Like "Double Fake."
This may surprise you, but unlike many of my fellow movie reviewers, I'm a pretty big sports fan. I
think hockey games are a blast live, and keeping calm during my daughter's soccer games is a lot
like work. I can rhapsodize at length on the cause of all the big passing stats in the NFL this
season or the importance of the offensive line, and I consider the Red Sox's 2004 World Series
win to be one of the greatest moments of my life.
* * * (1997, 93 minutes, Rated R)
More Like "Double Fake."
This may surprise you, but unlike many of my fellow movie reviewers, I'm a pretty big sports fan. I
think hockey games are a blast live, and keeping calm during my daughter's soccer games is a lot
like work. I can rhapsodize at length on the cause of all the big passing stats in the NFL this
season or the importance of the offensive line, and I consider the Red Sox's 2004 World Series
win to be one of the greatest moments of my life.
 |
Basketball, however, leaves me cold.
I particularly dislike the NBA, which
always appears to me to be a bunch of
prima donnas trotting around in their
undies and tossing a ball into a hole
over and over and over again. Grossly
overpaid prima donnas, too. The base
salary for a rookie NBA player in 2011 is
$473K -- not bad money for sitting on a
bench. That‘s nearly a full $100K more
than rookie in the NFL. A rookie in
Major League Baseball that same year
had a base salary of $414K, but keep in
mind that any professional baseball
player has to work their way up through
I particularly dislike the NBA, which
always appears to me to be a bunch of
prima donnas trotting around in their
undies and tossing a ball into a hole
over and over and over again. Grossly
overpaid prima donnas, too. The base
salary for a rookie NBA player in 2011 is
$473K -- not bad money for sitting on a
bench. That‘s nearly a full $100K more
than rookie in the NFL. A rookie in
Major League Baseball that same year
had a base salary of $414K, but keep in
mind that any professional baseball
player has to work their way up through
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
| The 2004 Boston Red Sox: Great Post-Season Run or The Greatest Post-Season Run? |
the farm leagues before making it to the Majors. Not the case in the NBA, where players are
eligible as soon as they graduate high school.
So I thought it fitting when Denis Rodman -- he of the ever-changing hair color and the pro
eligible as soon as they graduate high school.
So I thought it fitting when Denis Rodman -- he of the ever-changing hair color and the pro
| "Bad Boy" Dennis Rodman (on right, in red), seen here attempting to intimidate an official a full foot shorter than him. Ooooh, such a tough guy. |
wrestling and the carefully cultivated "bad boy" persona --
became so popular in the '90s. He was the perfect
embodiment of everything that's wrong with basketball.
Which also made it the perfect time to make a buddy
action flick with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis
Rodman.
You can probably imagine exactly what kind of movie this
is just by the phrase "starring Jean-Claude Van Damme
and Dennis Rodman" -- essentially the kind of movies
Jackie Chan made during the turn of the millennium, but
with JCVD in the Jackie Chan role and Rodman in the
Chris Tucker role. And Double Team is... well, it's not that
exactly.
JCVD is a retired anti-terrorism agent -- the best there
ever was, natch -- chilling in the south of France with his
preggo girlfriend. It takes about three seconds for him to
get pulled back into the game for a chance to nab
"Stavros," a rilly-rilly Big Deal Baddie played by a
well-sanitized Mickey Rourke.
became so popular in the '90s. He was the perfect
embodiment of everything that's wrong with basketball.
Which also made it the perfect time to make a buddy
action flick with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis
Rodman.
You can probably imagine exactly what kind of movie this
is just by the phrase "starring Jean-Claude Van Damme
and Dennis Rodman" -- essentially the kind of movies
Jackie Chan made during the turn of the millennium, but
with JCVD in the Jackie Chan role and Rodman in the
Chris Tucker role. And Double Team is... well, it's not that
exactly.
JCVD is a retired anti-terrorism agent -- the best there
ever was, natch -- chilling in the south of France with his
preggo girlfriend. It takes about three seconds for him to
get pulled back into the game for a chance to nab
"Stavros," a rilly-rilly Big Deal Baddie played by a
well-sanitized Mickey Rourke.
That takes JCVD to Antwerp. We're shown that Antwerp is a weird place by all the weirdness in the
club JCVD heads into -- there are underwater go-go dancers and everything! Also, "Antwerp" is
just a strange word.
club JCVD heads into -- there are underwater go-go dancers and everything! Also, "Antwerp" is
just a strange word.
| Antwerp, Belgium (above) -- so weird. |
JCVD is looking for an arms dealer named
"Yaz," who turns out to be Dennis Rodman.
Fans of Carl Yastrzemski are still waiting for
an apology. I don't know what Rodman was
trying for in this movie -- tough? sexy? both?
-- but he comes off like a drag queen on his
night off. Rodman sets up JCVD with some
firepower and... disappears for a large chunk
of the film. Not that I'm complaining.
JCVD's squad is all set to take out Stavros at
a carnival, but JCVD balks when he sees that
"Yaz," who turns out to be Dennis Rodman.
Fans of Carl Yastrzemski are still waiting for
an apology. I don't know what Rodman was
trying for in this movie -- tough? sexy? both?
-- but he comes off like a drag queen on his
night off. Rodman sets up JCVD with some
firepower and... disappears for a large chunk
of the film. Not that I'm complaining.
JCVD's squad is all set to take out Stavros at
a carnival, but JCVD balks when he sees that
Stavros is there with his kid. Somehow, a tiger alerts Stavros to JCVD's position (!?!) and the
whole scene ends in a big shootout. JCVD and Stavros have a slobberknocker of a fight, which
was probably really awesome but I was too distracted by the big white moonboots they made
Mickey Rourke wear.
When JCVD wakes up, he's in a remake of "The Prisoner."
Seriously. JCVD finds himself stuck on an inescapable island called "The Colony" filled with
former agents from around the world, including old foes and agents long thought to be killed in
action. They're all forced to work as some kind of futuristic anti-terrorism think tank because
they're all considered "too dangerous to live, too valuable to die," and if that makes any sense to
you, feel free to drop me a line at nolahn@bargainbinreview.com and tell me all about it.
I could hash out the details of JCVD's escape from the inescapable island, but I'm not going to
bother. The end result is a 30something minute detour into a completely different JCVD film.
"Back from the dead," JCVD immediately gets in touch with Rodman's Yaz because he needs
guns and Rodman's name is already on the poster, so why not. Yaz demonstrates that he's the
world's worst gun dealer by giving JCVD the guns he needs even though JCVD doesn't have a
dime to his name so long as Yaz can tag along to "protect his investment."
Then the two jump out of an airplane in a basketball-shaped parachute. Do I even need to tell you
that the film is littered with ridiculous basketball puns?
From here on out, Double Team begins to resemble the Jackie Chan buddy action flick you'd
imagine it to be: JCVD and Rodman bicker and bond, then stuff blows up. It all builds up to a crazy
whole scene ends in a big shootout. JCVD and Stavros have a slobberknocker of a fight, which
was probably really awesome but I was too distracted by the big white moonboots they made
Mickey Rourke wear.
When JCVD wakes up, he's in a remake of "The Prisoner."
Seriously. JCVD finds himself stuck on an inescapable island called "The Colony" filled with
former agents from around the world, including old foes and agents long thought to be killed in
action. They're all forced to work as some kind of futuristic anti-terrorism think tank because
they're all considered "too dangerous to live, too valuable to die," and if that makes any sense to
you, feel free to drop me a line at nolahn@bargainbinreview.com and tell me all about it.
I could hash out the details of JCVD's escape from the inescapable island, but I'm not going to
bother. The end result is a 30something minute detour into a completely different JCVD film.
"Back from the dead," JCVD immediately gets in touch with Rodman's Yaz because he needs
guns and Rodman's name is already on the poster, so why not. Yaz demonstrates that he's the
world's worst gun dealer by giving JCVD the guns he needs even though JCVD doesn't have a
dime to his name so long as Yaz can tag along to "protect his investment."
Then the two jump out of an airplane in a basketball-shaped parachute. Do I even need to tell you
that the film is littered with ridiculous basketball puns?
From here on out, Double Team begins to resemble the Jackie Chan buddy action flick you'd
imagine it to be: JCVD and Rodman bicker and bond, then stuff blows up. It all builds up to a crazy
finale involving a tiger, a handful of land
mines and Yaz driving around on a
motorcycle with a baby. During the end
credits, we're treated to Rodman rapping
about transvestites.
Double Team is an odd bird. The bits
between JCVD and Mickey Rourke are
very strong -- maybe I've sat through too
many Steven Seagal movies, but it was a
treat to see an action hero with some
acting ability take on a foe who provides
a physical challenge. And the half-hour
chunk in The Colony was pretty good, too
-- just felt like it belonged in another
movie.
But the bits with weird Rodman and all
the forced basketball puns? Far from a
"slam dunk."
mines and Yaz driving around on a
motorcycle with a baby. During the end
credits, we're treated to Rodman rapping
about transvestites.
Double Team is an odd bird. The bits
between JCVD and Mickey Rourke are
very strong -- maybe I've sat through too
many Steven Seagal movies, but it was a
treat to see an action hero with some
acting ability take on a foe who provides
a physical challenge. And the half-hour
chunk in The Colony was pretty good, too
-- just felt like it belonged in another
movie.
But the bits with weird Rodman and all
the forced basketball puns? Far from a
"slam dunk."
| This isn't someone Photoshopping while drunk... this actually happens in Double Team. |
DOUBLE TEAM was recently reviewed on an episode of LAIR OF THE
UNWANTED.
You can also get a second opinion on the film over at 24 HOURS TO
MIDNIGHT: THE BLOG!
UNWANTED.
You can also get a second opinion on the film over at 24 HOURS TO
MIDNIGHT: THE BLOG!