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CUTTHROAT ISLAND
* (1995, 118 minutes, Rated PG-13)
With more jumping than a Super Mario Bros. game.
Remember Cutthroat Island? You probably don't remember the movie itself, but might remember
it as the Guinness World Book of Records-level box office flop that single-handedly:
So the real mystery is: How did it take so long for me to review this film?
It's 1668 in Jamaica, mon, and Geena Davis IS Morgan Adams, the pirate daughter of a pirate
* (1995, 118 minutes, Rated PG-13)
With more jumping than a Super Mario Bros. game.
Remember Cutthroat Island? You probably don't remember the movie itself, but might remember
it as the Guinness World Book of Records-level box office flop that single-handedly:
- destroyed Geena Davis's bankability
- torpedoed Matthew Modine's career
- trashed director Renny Harlin's career
- bankrupt the previously successful Carolco Pictures
- led to Harlin and Davis splitting up
- sank the pirate genre for nearly a decade
So the real mystery is: How did it take so long for me to review this film?
It's 1668 in Jamaica, mon, and Geena Davis IS Morgan Adams, the pirate daughter of a pirate
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captain. She's choc-full of dash and derring-do all
the time. Yes, it gets tiring. I know that Harlin
wanted to establish Davis as an action hero with
this film, and at least she is convincing as far as
that goes.
The story: Morgan's dad and two uncles each have
a third of a map to Cutthroat Island, where the
mother of all pirate booty is hidden. Villainous
uncle Dawg (a growling Frank Langella) up and
decides he wants all the map bits one day, and
makes Pirate Daddy walk the plank. Morgan gets
with the aforementioned dashing and derring-do,
and saves Pirate Daddy long enough to inherit his
part of the map and his ship. So what's a girl to
do? More running and jumping and swinging and
such!
First stop: Find someone who knows Latin to
translate the map. That's where we meet Matthew
Modine, who IS William Shaw, the world's
crappiest con artist. He's in the movie a whopping
four minutes before getting himself arrested.
the time. Yes, it gets tiring. I know that Harlin
wanted to establish Davis as an action hero with
this film, and at least she is convincing as far as
that goes.
The story: Morgan's dad and two uncles each have
a third of a map to Cutthroat Island, where the
mother of all pirate booty is hidden. Villainous
uncle Dawg (a growling Frank Langella) up and
decides he wants all the map bits one day, and
makes Pirate Daddy walk the plank. Morgan gets
with the aforementioned dashing and derring-do,
and saves Pirate Daddy long enough to inherit his
part of the map and his ship. So what's a girl to
do? More running and jumping and swinging and
such!
First stop: Find someone who knows Latin to
translate the map. That's where we meet Matthew
Modine, who IS William Shaw, the world's
crappiest con artist. He's in the movie a whopping
four minutes before getting himself arrested.
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
| Ahoy there! |
When Morgan shows up to test Shaw's Latin, we get our first glimpse of the non-existent
chemistry that we'll be treated to all movie long when he breaks out the line: "You're a very
beautiful woman. I'd like to wash your feet."
I'm stunned by the sheer stupidity. Worse, I can't tell if this is meant to be a joke. And yet, you
know these two will end up gettin' it on before the credits roll because that's how movies work.
So really, I have no choice. "Hey, hon," I call over to the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn.
She looks up from her Gross Anatomy notes. "Yeah?"
"You're a very beautiful woman. I'd like to wash your feet."
Let’s just say that I have verified that, yes, that line is crap.
Sadly, Modine’s performance goes downhill from there. I think he's a perfectly good actor, but for
reasons I can’t explain, Modine portrays the Male Lead in a Pirate Movie by channeling C-3PO.
chemistry that we'll be treated to all movie long when he breaks out the line: "You're a very
beautiful woman. I'd like to wash your feet."
I'm stunned by the sheer stupidity. Worse, I can't tell if this is meant to be a joke. And yet, you
know these two will end up gettin' it on before the credits roll because that's how movies work.
So really, I have no choice. "Hey, hon," I call over to the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn.
She looks up from her Gross Anatomy notes. "Yeah?"
"You're a very beautiful woman. I'd like to wash your feet."
Let’s just say that I have verified that, yes, that line is crap.
Sadly, Modine’s performance goes downhill from there. I think he's a perfectly good actor, but for
reasons I can’t explain, Modine portrays the Male Lead in a Pirate Movie by channeling C-3PO.
| You know C-3PO is all about the pirate booty. |
A perfect example: Morgan and Shaw are
on a stolen carriage, being chased
through the streets of a Jamaican port
town by the British Navy. There’s lots of
fighting and chasing and explosions, and
it’s meant to be very exciting, and Shaw
says:
“A ship! I find myself being fired upon by
an entire ship!”
I’m surprised he didn’t finish the line off
with, “This is all your fault!” or “We’re
doomed.”
on a stolen carriage, being chased
through the streets of a Jamaican port
town by the British Navy. There’s lots of
fighting and chasing and explosions, and
it’s meant to be very exciting, and Shaw
says:
“A ship! I find myself being fired upon by
an entire ship!”
I’m surprised he didn’t finish the line off
with, “This is all your fault!” or “We’re
doomed.”
Needless to say, there’s zero chemistry between Ms. Dash-a-lot and C-3PO, but everyone suffers
| "Artoo says the chances of survival are seven hundred seventy-five... to one." |
from the dialogue. It’s clear that the
screenwriters took great pains to learn
the nautical lingo, but in the process
the film feels as flat and lifeless as...
well, a textbook about nautical lingo.
Equally flat and lifeless are the action
sequences. Everything feels
ponderous, and when in doubt, Harlin
goes with a prolonged slow-motion
sequence. It’s not a good choice.
Story-wise, thing go pretty much as
you’d expect: There’s a big storm that
screenwriters took great pains to learn
the nautical lingo, but in the process
the film feels as flat and lifeless as...
well, a textbook about nautical lingo.
Equally flat and lifeless are the action
sequences. Everything feels
ponderous, and when in doubt, Harlin
goes with a prolonged slow-motion
sequence. It’s not a good choice.
Story-wise, thing go pretty much as
you’d expect: There’s a big storm that
tosses everyone around except Morgan, cuz she’s just too bad ass. Shenanigans,
shenanigans, and when they finally find the treasure (complete with joyless “We’re rich!”-ing), it’s
in a location that seems logistically impossible to transport gold to. That’s okay, because later
on, a single barrel will keep the tons and tons of gold afloat.
Sure enough, we end with a big ship battle (how Morgan’s ship managed to teleport next to
Dawg’s is never explained) with all the expected cannon blasts and leaping and swinging and
climbing up the masts for no reason other than to have the sword fight be more exciting. It’s all
astoundingly dull. I don’t even want to imagine what the video game is like.
shenanigans, and when they finally find the treasure (complete with joyless “We’re rich!”-ing), it’s
in a location that seems logistically impossible to transport gold to. That’s okay, because later
on, a single barrel will keep the tons and tons of gold afloat.
Sure enough, we end with a big ship battle (how Morgan’s ship managed to teleport next to
Dawg’s is never explained) with all the expected cannon blasts and leaping and swinging and
climbing up the masts for no reason other than to have the sword fight be more exciting. It’s all
astoundingly dull. I don’t even want to imagine what the video game is like.
| "We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life." |
Other than the ‘90s-required snarky quip when
Morgan finally bests Dawg (it’s the helluva groaner:
“Bad Dawg!”), this film isn’t anywhere close to
being so bad it’s good.
It’s not even bad enough to get worked up over. It’s
just too dull.
And I can’t think of a more damning thing to say
about an action movie.
If you enjoyed this review -- and who didn't? --
then check out this "second opinion"
from 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!
Morgan finally bests Dawg (it’s the helluva groaner:
“Bad Dawg!”), this film isn’t anywhere close to
being so bad it’s good.
It’s not even bad enough to get worked up over. It’s
just too dull.
And I can’t think of a more damning thing to say
about an action movie.
If you enjoyed this review -- and who didn't? --
then check out this "second opinion"
from 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!
Then check out the Cutthroat Island edition of "Bad Movies, Good Eats" over at our sister site,
the Bloggin' Bin Revue.
the Bloggin' Bin Revue.
