BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
CROSSROADS
* (2002, 93 minutes, Rated pg-13)
PREVIOUS 2
Lucy (Spears), Kit (Zoe Saldana) and Mimi (Taryn Manning) were all best friends at one point in
their lives. Now that they have grown up and graduated high school, they have separated ways --
Lucy is a virgin science geek, Kit has lost weight while on a fat cruise and a pregnant Mimi has
been giving bjs to almost every guy she comes across.
When Mimi asks Lucy and Kit to come on a road-trip to L.A. to get the girls back together, they
accept. They are now being driven by a guy who might have once killed someone (Anson Mount).
Lucy wants to see her mom in Arizona for the first time since she was a young'n, Kit wants to see
her boyfriend for the first time since Christmas and Mimi wants to go audition for a record deal, so
this road-trip is one that you've never seen before -- shitty, boring, the kind where you can't help
asking, "Are we there yet?"
Now since this movie has NOTHING, there is only one thing that you can possibly talk about that
doesn't involve the initials B and S (and no, not that b.s.). There is a scene in Crossroads where
Britney Spears wants to "de-virginitize" herself, and she tries to get it on with Justin Long (from
Herbie: Fully Loaded, starring another Hollywood favorite). Tits on Jesus, I PREDICTED that this
will happen one day. Someone fucking torch me!
And believe me, if Britney Spears wasn't in this movie, it would still suck ass. But she is, so
blames must be blamed on someone...
Britney Spears with a microphone in her hand is like Saddam with a bomb in his. Spears actually
gets on the mic FIVE times (though one time she used a spoon as a microphone, which is a
marginally better use for the spoon than spanking her in the ass). Speaking of Justin Timberlake,
they even sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" at one point. I found this funny because I never thought he
rendition of the song could be any worse. Now I know better to make those kinds of statements
without hearing every side. At least Spears wears panties in this film (I think).
We were lucky to find out that Crossroads wasn't nominated for any Academy Awards over the
season. We were also lucky that Crossroads has been forgotten by most. But it's living in my
worst nightmares, and it'll be living in yours if you watch this movie.
TonyD (Tony DeFrancisco), a.k.a. the Hardcore Film Maniac, has just launched his own corner of
the Internets, FilmArcade.net. He writes for eight sites: FilmFanatix.com, GeeksOfDoom.com,
Horror-101.com, MovieBuffs.com, Fatally-Yours.com, WikPik.com, FirstShowing.net and this one.
Just a few of his favorite films are Sin City, Boondock Saints, The Big Lebowski, Psycho, and Fight
Club. If you want to request for a review, message TonyD at BoondockSaint048@yahoo.com or
BoondockSaint048@aol.com and he'll see what he can do.
* (2002, 93 minutes, Rated pg-13)
PREVIOUS 2
Lucy (Spears), Kit (Zoe Saldana) and Mimi (Taryn Manning) were all best friends at one point in
their lives. Now that they have grown up and graduated high school, they have separated ways --
Lucy is a virgin science geek, Kit has lost weight while on a fat cruise and a pregnant Mimi has
been giving bjs to almost every guy she comes across.
When Mimi asks Lucy and Kit to come on a road-trip to L.A. to get the girls back together, they
accept. They are now being driven by a guy who might have once killed someone (Anson Mount).
Lucy wants to see her mom in Arizona for the first time since she was a young'n, Kit wants to see
her boyfriend for the first time since Christmas and Mimi wants to go audition for a record deal, so
this road-trip is one that you've never seen before -- shitty, boring, the kind where you can't help
asking, "Are we there yet?"
Now since this movie has NOTHING, there is only one thing that you can possibly talk about that
doesn't involve the initials B and S (and no, not that b.s.). There is a scene in Crossroads where
Britney Spears wants to "de-virginitize" herself, and she tries to get it on with Justin Long (from
Herbie: Fully Loaded, starring another Hollywood favorite). Tits on Jesus, I PREDICTED that this
will happen one day. Someone fucking torch me!
And believe me, if Britney Spears wasn't in this movie, it would still suck ass. But she is, so
blames must be blamed on someone...
Britney Spears with a microphone in her hand is like Saddam with a bomb in his. Spears actually
gets on the mic FIVE times (though one time she used a spoon as a microphone, which is a
marginally better use for the spoon than spanking her in the ass). Speaking of Justin Timberlake,
they even sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" at one point. I found this funny because I never thought he
rendition of the song could be any worse. Now I know better to make those kinds of statements
without hearing every side. At least Spears wears panties in this film (I think).
We were lucky to find out that Crossroads wasn't nominated for any Academy Awards over the
season. We were also lucky that Crossroads has been forgotten by most. But it's living in my
worst nightmares, and it'll be living in yours if you watch this movie.
TonyD (Tony DeFrancisco), a.k.a. the Hardcore Film Maniac, has just launched his own corner of
the Internets, FilmArcade.net. He writes for eight sites: FilmFanatix.com, GeeksOfDoom.com,
Horror-101.com, MovieBuffs.com, Fatally-Yours.com, WikPik.com, FirstShowing.net and this one.
Just a few of his favorite films are Sin City, Boondock Saints, The Big Lebowski, Psycho, and Fight
Club. If you want to request for a review, message TonyD at BoondockSaint048@yahoo.com or
BoondockSaint048@aol.com and he'll see what he can do.
| Left, pre-Crossroads Britney. Right, post-Crossroads Britney. Coincidence? You be the judge... |
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