CROSSROADS
* (2002, 93 minutes, Rated PG-13)
I didn't make him review this movie, I swear. -- Nolahn
By TonyD. I decided to review Crossroads for two reasons: One, because who doesn't want to
see a Britney Spears rant? And also because I heard today over the radio that Spears had a court
hearing that only lasted ten minutes because she never showed up. What do I like more than
people I hate falling on their faces? CELEBRITIES I HATE FALLING ON THEIR FACES! I don't
believe in karma, but I sure as hell believe that payback's a bitch.
You're probably wondering why I hate Britney Spears so much. A quick story: Back when I was
about six or seven, Spears released her first single, "...Baby One More Time" ("Six or seven"?!?
Damn, I'm older than dirt. - Nolahn). Everyone -- and I mean EVERYONE -- listened to this song.
Everyone except me. I went to Best Buy one day and it was on. It was on the radio 25/7. Even the
next-door neighbor, who would blast Metallica and death metal all day, shrieked the chorus. And
then she became bigger. Songs like "Oops I Did It Again" were made into spoofs such as this
one. Then she began releasing more singles. When announcing that she was starring in a
feature film, hell broke loose. I punched myself in the gut to make sure I wasn't dreaming. You
know I just HAD to see it. I saw it... and oh boy, did it blow. It blew more than a crippled hooker.
What's so special about this Britney Spears vehicle? If you answered "nothing," not only are you
correct, but you're so correct that I don't even have to bribe you to give that answer. Crossroads is
boring, tiring and will give you menstrual cramps for the rest of the month, men or women no less.
It sucks. End of story.
A good friend of mine wanted to read my take on Crossroads. Of course, that meant I had to watch
this sack of shit again. Let's just get this over with:
* (2002, 93 minutes, Rated PG-13)
I didn't make him review this movie, I swear. -- Nolahn
By TonyD. I decided to review Crossroads for two reasons: One, because who doesn't want to
see a Britney Spears rant? And also because I heard today over the radio that Spears had a court
hearing that only lasted ten minutes because she never showed up. What do I like more than
people I hate falling on their faces? CELEBRITIES I HATE FALLING ON THEIR FACES! I don't
believe in karma, but I sure as hell believe that payback's a bitch.
You're probably wondering why I hate Britney Spears so much. A quick story: Back when I was
about six or seven, Spears released her first single, "...Baby One More Time" ("Six or seven"?!?
Damn, I'm older than dirt. - Nolahn). Everyone -- and I mean EVERYONE -- listened to this song.
Everyone except me. I went to Best Buy one day and it was on. It was on the radio 25/7. Even the
next-door neighbor, who would blast Metallica and death metal all day, shrieked the chorus. And
then she became bigger. Songs like "Oops I Did It Again" were made into spoofs such as this
one. Then she began releasing more singles. When announcing that she was starring in a
feature film, hell broke loose. I punched myself in the gut to make sure I wasn't dreaming. You
know I just HAD to see it. I saw it... and oh boy, did it blow. It blew more than a crippled hooker.
What's so special about this Britney Spears vehicle? If you answered "nothing," not only are you
correct, but you're so correct that I don't even have to bribe you to give that answer. Crossroads is
boring, tiring and will give you menstrual cramps for the rest of the month, men or women no less.
It sucks. End of story.
A good friend of mine wanted to read my take on Crossroads. Of course, that meant I had to watch
this sack of shit again. Let's just get this over with:
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Lucy (Spears), Kit (Zoe Saldana) and Mimi (Taryn Manning) were all best friends at one point in
their lives. Now that they have grown up and graduated high school, they have separated ways --
Lucy is a virgin science geek, Kit has lost weight while on a fat cruise and a pregnant Mimi has
been giving bjs to almost every guy she comes across.
When Mimi asks Lucy and Kit to come on a road-trip to L.A. to get the girls back together, they
accept. They are now being driven by a guy who might have once killed someone (Anson Mount).
Lucy wants to see her mom in Arizona for the first time since she was a young'n, Kit wants to see
her boyfriend for the first time since Christmas and Mimi wants to go audition for a record deal, so
this road-trip is one that you've never seen before -- shitty, boring, the kind where you can't help
asking, "Are we there yet?"
Now since this movie has NOTHING, there is only one thing that you can possibly talk about that
doesn't involve the initials B and S (and no, not that b.s.). There is a scene in Crossroads where
Britney Spears wants to "de-virginitize" herself, and she tries to get it on with Justin Long (from
Herbie: Fully Loaded, starring another Hollywood favorite). Tits on Jesus, I PREDICTED that this
will happen one day. Someone fucking torch me!
And believe me, if Britney Spears wasn't in this movie, it would still suck ass. But she is, so
blames must be blamed on someone...
Britney Spears with a microphone in her hand is like Saddam with a bomb in his. Spears actually
gets on the mic FIVE times (though one time she used a spoon as a microphone, which is a
marginally better use for the spoon than spanking her in the ass). Speaking of Justin Timberlake,
they even sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" at one point. I found this funny because I never thought he rendition
of the song could be any worse. Now I know better to make those kinds of statements without
hearing every side. At least Spears wears panties in this film (I think).
We were lucky to find out that Crossroads wasn't nominated for any Academy Awards over the
season. We were also lucky that Crossroads has been forgotten by most. But it's living in my
worst nightmares, and it'll be living in yours if you watch this movie.
TonyD (Tony DeFrancisco), a.k.a. the Hardcore Film Maniac, has just launched his own corner of
the Internets, FilmArcade.net. He writes for eight sites: FilmFanatix.com, GeeksOfDoom.com,
Horror-101.com, MovieBuffs.com, Fatally-Yours.com, WikPik.com, FirstShowing.net and this one.
Just a few of his favorite films are Sin City, Boondock Saints, The Big Lebowski, Psycho, and Fight
Club. If you want to request for a review, message TonyD at BoondockSaint048@yahoo.com or
BoondockSaint048@aol.com and he'll see what he can do.
their lives. Now that they have grown up and graduated high school, they have separated ways --
Lucy is a virgin science geek, Kit has lost weight while on a fat cruise and a pregnant Mimi has
been giving bjs to almost every guy she comes across.
When Mimi asks Lucy and Kit to come on a road-trip to L.A. to get the girls back together, they
accept. They are now being driven by a guy who might have once killed someone (Anson Mount).
Lucy wants to see her mom in Arizona for the first time since she was a young'n, Kit wants to see
her boyfriend for the first time since Christmas and Mimi wants to go audition for a record deal, so
this road-trip is one that you've never seen before -- shitty, boring, the kind where you can't help
asking, "Are we there yet?"
Now since this movie has NOTHING, there is only one thing that you can possibly talk about that
doesn't involve the initials B and S (and no, not that b.s.). There is a scene in Crossroads where
Britney Spears wants to "de-virginitize" herself, and she tries to get it on with Justin Long (from
Herbie: Fully Loaded, starring another Hollywood favorite). Tits on Jesus, I PREDICTED that this
will happen one day. Someone fucking torch me!
And believe me, if Britney Spears wasn't in this movie, it would still suck ass. But she is, so
blames must be blamed on someone...
Britney Spears with a microphone in her hand is like Saddam with a bomb in his. Spears actually
gets on the mic FIVE times (though one time she used a spoon as a microphone, which is a
marginally better use for the spoon than spanking her in the ass). Speaking of Justin Timberlake,
they even sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" at one point. I found this funny because I never thought he rendition
of the song could be any worse. Now I know better to make those kinds of statements without
hearing every side. At least Spears wears panties in this film (I think).
We were lucky to find out that Crossroads wasn't nominated for any Academy Awards over the
season. We were also lucky that Crossroads has been forgotten by most. But it's living in my
worst nightmares, and it'll be living in yours if you watch this movie.
TonyD (Tony DeFrancisco), a.k.a. the Hardcore Film Maniac, has just launched his own corner of
the Internets, FilmArcade.net. He writes for eight sites: FilmFanatix.com, GeeksOfDoom.com,
Horror-101.com, MovieBuffs.com, Fatally-Yours.com, WikPik.com, FirstShowing.net and this one.
Just a few of his favorite films are Sin City, Boondock Saints, The Big Lebowski, Psycho, and Fight
Club. If you want to request for a review, message TonyD at BoondockSaint048@yahoo.com or
BoondockSaint048@aol.com and he'll see what he can do.
| Left, pre-Crossroads Britney. Right, post-Crossroads Britney. Coincidence? You be the judge... |
Every now and then, The 'Bin will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
