CATWOMAN (2004, 104 minutes, Rated PG-13)
* * * [originally only one *... Find out why below!]
Insert your own "hairball" joke.
Some things don't live up to the hype -- even if it's bad hype. Take Ben Affleck. For the most part,
the public treats him like a leper. Why? He's a pretty good actor -- at least as good as a certain
* * * [originally only one *... Find out why below!]
Insert your own "hairball" joke.
Some things don't live up to the hype -- even if it's bad hype. Take Ben Affleck. For the most part,
the public treats him like a leper. Why? He's a pretty good actor -- at least as good as a certain
| Ben Affleck: Not a Leper |
Ted "Theodore" Logan -- and he doesn't seem to take himself too
seriously. So what's the deal? Is everyone jealous because he
married Sydney Bristow? Or did he simply pick up the
desperate-for-media-attention stank from J-Lo?
The crapitude of the 2004 film Catwoman, on the other hand,
absolutely lives up to the hype.
WARNING SIGN #1: All -- and I mean ALL -- of the promotion for
this film looked jaw-droppingly stupid.
WARNING SIGN #2: The opening credits consist of old newspaper
clippings about cat mummies. Of course. The message is that
Catwomen have been with us since the dawn of civilization, and
you've been too damn busy watching "American Idol" and eating
chalupas to notice.
seriously. So what's the deal? Is everyone jealous because he
married Sydney Bristow? Or did he simply pick up the
desperate-for-media-attention stank from J-Lo?
The crapitude of the 2004 film Catwoman, on the other hand,
absolutely lives up to the hype.
WARNING SIGN #1: All -- and I mean ALL -- of the promotion for
this film looked jaw-droppingly stupid.
WARNING SIGN #2: The opening credits consist of old newspaper
clippings about cat mummies. Of course. The message is that
Catwomen have been with us since the dawn of civilization, and
you've been too damn busy watching "American Idol" and eating
chalupas to notice.
WARNING SIGN #3: The very first line of dialogue in the movie is narration from Halle Berry: "It all
started on the day that I died..." At this point, I started toying with the idea of attacking my eye
sockets with a spoon so I wouldn't have to experience any more of this movie.
The geniuses behind this film had the "inventive" or "daring" or "completely stupid" idea of taking
DC Comic's Catwoman and stripping her of anything and everything that has to do with Batman.
Because Batman is the Ben Affleck of superheroes? Don't tell Christopher Nolan.
Halle Berry stars as Not Selina Kyle, an "ordinary" and
"unremarkable" aspiring artist who has had to "settle" for
being a graphic designer for a top (evil) cosmetics company
in the Big City. First of all, wah wah. Secondly? I don't care
how much they mess up her hair and put her in baggy
"artsy" clothes and make her klutz around, she still looks
like Halle Berry. Nice try.
In addition to being clumsy and artsy and not owning a
hairbrush, NotSelina also lacks common sense. In an early
scene, she finds a cat perched on top of a window ledge
outside her apartment. Rather than call the fire department,
she climbs out the window -- only an itty-bitty ledge -- to
rescue the stray kitty. Hey, look: I like cats. Not enough to
own one of those cat posters, but still, I like cats. But there's
"unremarkable" aspiring artist who has had to "settle" for
being a graphic designer for a top (evil) cosmetics company
in the Big City. First of all, wah wah. Secondly? I don't care
how much they mess up her hair and put her in baggy
"artsy" clothes and make her klutz around, she still looks
like Halle Berry. Nice try.
In addition to being clumsy and artsy and not owning a
hairbrush, NotSelina also lacks common sense. In an early
scene, she finds a cat perched on top of a window ledge
outside her apartment. Rather than call the fire department,
she climbs out the window -- only an itty-bitty ledge -- to
rescue the stray kitty. Hey, look: I like cats. Not enough to
own one of those cat posters, but still, I like cats. But there's
| The "Unremarkable" Ms. Berry |
| This cat poster was definitely not found in Nolahn's bedroom. |
no way I'd get out on that
ledge. It was the dumbest
thing I'd seen in a while...
and it was just last week
that I watched Bloodsucking
Redneck Vampires.
ledge. It was the dumbest
thing I'd seen in a while...
and it was just last week
that I watched Bloodsucking
Redneck Vampires.
And yet, this film is like a contest to see if each scene can be
dumber than the previous one. On the heels of the suicidal cat
rescue, NotSelina is working late to deliver a project by midnight
(and what the hell kind of boss assigns "midnight" as a deadline?),
and hand-delivers it to the company's completely unlocked science
facility. Seriously, my local YMCA has better security than this
science lab. She overhears a ham-fisted conversation about how
the face cream the company is about to launch causes headaches
and is toxic and physically addictive and, ayeah, causes horrible
physical disfigurement if use is discontinued. NotSelina klutzes into
a table, and now the bodyguards come a'runnin'.
Yada, yada, yada, NotSelina is killed. And brought back to life by a herd of cats. That's right:
Catwoman is a zombie.
After a couple more gems of scenes, such as all of NotSelina's co-workers applauding when she
gets fired for telling off her boss and a game of "sexy" basketball, NotSelina gets filled in by a
professional Cat Lady about her new Super Cat Powers. She can now do whatever a cat can:
heightened senses, lightning-fast reflexes, nightvision, perfect balance, super leaping abilities and
the masterful use of a bullwhip. Just like your cat, I'm sure.
This all leads up to the big reveal of NotSelina as Catwoman, strutting around a rooftop in her
completely impractical crime-fighting attire while some KMart Christina Aguilera warbles away in the
background.
Catwoman is a zombie.
After a couple more gems of scenes, such as all of NotSelina's co-workers applauding when she
gets fired for telling off her boss and a game of "sexy" basketball, NotSelina gets filled in by a
professional Cat Lady about her new Super Cat Powers. She can now do whatever a cat can:
heightened senses, lightning-fast reflexes, nightvision, perfect balance, super leaping abilities and
the masterful use of a bullwhip. Just like your cat, I'm sure.
This all leads up to the big reveal of NotSelina as Catwoman, strutting around a rooftop in her
completely impractical crime-fighting attire while some KMart Christina Aguilera warbles away in the
background.
Speaking of visuals, this entire movie is an eyesore. The camera is constantly swaying and
swooshing around, like ENOUGH ALREADY, WE GET IT: YOU HAVE A CRANE AND YOU'RE NOT
AFRAID TO USE IT.
And finally, the rest of the cast. Also featured are Benjamin Bratt as the Perfect Guy/Lousy Detective,
that really unfunny lady from MADtv as NotSelina's unfunny friend and Sharon Stone as a washed-up
has-been beauty. That had to hurt... but not where near as much as sitting through this movie.
swooshing around, like ENOUGH ALREADY, WE GET IT: YOU HAVE A CRANE AND YOU'RE NOT
AFRAID TO USE IT.
And finally, the rest of the cast. Also featured are Benjamin Bratt as the Perfect Guy/Lousy Detective,
that really unfunny lady from MADtv as NotSelina's unfunny friend and Sharon Stone as a washed-up
has-been beauty. That had to hurt... but not where near as much as sitting through this movie.
| NEW RATING!! Well, this is a first: Not only is Catwoman our first CRAP OF THE TITANS review, it's also the first to get a belated rating change. And an upgrade at that: from * to * * *. Don't get me wrong, this is still an awful movie. But what I realized while watching this CRAP OF THE TITANS film was that for as bad as Catwoman was, at least Catwoman entertained me. True, those big belly laughs were at the film's expense. But the whole mission of The 'Bin is to find those so-bad-they're-good movies, and at least Catwoman is in the ballpark. So, congrats to Catwoman: You're much less sucky than Ishtar. -- Nolahn |
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
