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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
After watching 11 widely despised box office bombs in a row, sitting
down to watch this final entry into THE GAUNTLET really felt like staring
into the abyss. And trust me, the abyss looks… abysmal.
down to watch this final entry into THE GAUNTLET really felt like staring
into the abyss. And trust me, the abyss looks… abysmal.
After the title splash, we get a shot of Majestic
Mountains… and then more text. Man is an
endangered species. Yes, we get it! Thank
you for insulting your audience within the first
five minutes of the film.
You might think that our endangered species
label would afford us certain protections,
perhaps have us put up in habitats where we’re
fed and encouraged to procreate. No such luck
here: Humans have basically gone back to
being cavemen.
The big caveman on campus is Barry Pepper
Mountains… and then more text. Man is an
endangered species. Yes, we get it! Thank
you for insulting your audience within the first
five minutes of the film.
You might think that our endangered species
label would afford us certain protections,
perhaps have us put up in habitats where we’re
fed and encouraged to procreate. No such luck
here: Humans have basically gone back to
being cavemen.
The big caveman on campus is Barry Pepper
The final entry into THE GAUNTLET was pretty much fated -- I can’t imagine what other film could
take the final spot than the Biggest Razzie Winner in history. This film is widely regarded as the
Worst Film of the 21st Century. I’m sure there are plenty of fans of The Room who would argue that
point, but when they call The Room “the Worst Film of the 21st Century,” they’re doing so
affectionately. There’s no affection here.
There's no turning back now...
take the final spot than the Biggest Razzie Winner in history. This film is widely regarded as the
Worst Film of the 21st Century. I’m sure there are plenty of fans of The Room who would argue that
point, but when they call The Room “the Worst Film of the 21st Century,” they’re doing so
affectionately. There’s no affection here.
There's no turning back now...
BATTLEFIELD EARTH
* (2000, 117 minutes, Rated PG-13)
You're in the Psychlo Circus / And I say welcome to the show!
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Oh yay, a sci-fi film opening with scrolling text! Never seen that before! It is the year 3000 AD… An
alien race called the Psychlos invaded Earth some 1,000 years before, and have been mining the
planet of all its minerals since. They’re really taking their sweet old time, eh? For reasons that are
never explained, gold is the most precious metal to the Psychlos. Good news for Glenn Beck!
* (2000, 117 minutes, Rated PG-13)
You're in the Psychlo Circus / And I say welcome to the show!
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Oh yay, a sci-fi film opening with scrolling text! Never seen that before! It is the year 3000 AD… An
alien race called the Psychlos invaded Earth some 1,000 years before, and have been mining the
planet of all its minerals since. They’re really taking their sweet old time, eh? For reasons that are
never explained, gold is the most precious metal to the Psychlos. Good news for Glenn Beck!
| Buy gold! He compels you! |
the Defiant One of the tribe. We know he’s the hero of our film because he gets a grand, virile
entrance, galloping into camp on his steed well after closing time. Also, everyone else in the tribe
looks like Captain Caveman. His hottie is on hand to tell him that he’s too late with the medicine,
entrance, galloping into camp on his steed well after closing time. Also, everyone else in the tribe
looks like Captain Caveman. His hottie is on hand to tell him that he’s too late with the medicine,
| The protagonists of Battlefield Earth. |
dad’s dead. And would you believe it, Barry gives us a slow-motion
“Noooooooooooo!”
In direct defiance of his cave-dwelling tribe, Barry defiantly heads out
in search of a place with more food. He comes across an overgrown
mini-golf course and a pair of hunter cave-dudes -- they become his
buddies, and despite appearing throughout the film, I never knew
their names. They talk a lot about how the gods leaving caused their
lot in life, or how the gods have been frozen (actually just giant
statues) and… really? I get that they’ve been running on oral history
for generations, but they really have no idea that their planet was
conquered by the Psychlos? I’m not buying it.
Maybe that’s why it’s such a shock to Barry when the Psychlos show
up and capture them. Or perhaps that was just the dozen plane
glass windows Barry ran through while running away.
Off they fly to a giant dome, and a cameo by the Handi-Captions tell
“Noooooooooooo!”
In direct defiance of his cave-dwelling tribe, Barry defiantly heads out
in search of a place with more food. He comes across an overgrown
mini-golf course and a pair of hunter cave-dudes -- they become his
buddies, and despite appearing throughout the film, I never knew
their names. They talk a lot about how the gods leaving caused their
lot in life, or how the gods have been frozen (actually just giant
statues) and… really? I get that they’ve been running on oral history
for generations, but they really have no idea that their planet was
conquered by the Psychlos? I’m not buying it.
Maybe that’s why it’s such a shock to Barry when the Psychlos show
up and capture them. Or perhaps that was just the dozen plane
glass windows Barry ran through while running away.
Off they fly to a giant dome, and a cameo by the Handi-Captions tell
us that it is the “Human Processing Center - Denver.” Thanks, Handi-Captions! I guess it’s time
to meet the Psychlos... I swear, it’s like the costume designer was blindfolded and told to raid the
studio’s prop shop. The Psychlos are dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS, have Klingon-sized
foreheads, dreadlocks and Predator hands. The total effect is less than menacing.
to meet the Psychlos... I swear, it’s like the costume designer was blindfolded and told to raid the
studio’s prop shop. The Psychlos are dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS, have Klingon-sized
foreheads, dreadlocks and Predator hands. The total effect is less than menacing.
| I'll let you come up with your own wise-crack. |
Poor Forrest Whitaker looks particularly pooch-like in his Psychlo get-up. Tragic. He’s Forrest f’n
Whitaker, and he deserves better.
John Travolta on the other hand… He plays Terl, the Psychlo Chief Security Officer, and for reasons
I don’t understand, Travolta seems to be channeling Tim Curry’s Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The
Rocky Horror Picture Show. All that’s missing are the fishnet stockings. Travolta’s Terl is camp
Whitaker, and he deserves better.
John Travolta on the other hand… He plays Terl, the Psychlo Chief Security Officer, and for reasons
I don’t understand, Travolta seems to be channeling Tim Curry’s Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The
Rocky Horror Picture Show. All that’s missing are the fishnet stockings. Travolta’s Terl is camp
| Actually, Tim Curry's Dr. Frank-N-Furter is more menacing than Travolta's Terl. |
incarnate: He struts around, and laughs and
laughs and laughs when he learns that “man-
animal” Barry was smart enough to figure out
how to use a Psychlo gun. Because your
typical Chief Security Officer would find that
kind of thing hilarious.
Strangely, the film all but forgets about Barry for
a while, focusing instead on the oh-so
interesting office politics of the Psychlos. Long
story short: Terl is stuck on Earth.
Despite his constant boasting of his
intelligence, his standings at “the academy,“
his marksmanship and his upbringing, Terl
laughs and laughs when he learns that “man-
animal” Barry was smart enough to figure out
how to use a Psychlo gun. Because your
typical Chief Security Officer would find that
kind of thing hilarious.
Strangely, the film all but forgets about Barry for
a while, focusing instead on the oh-so
interesting office politics of the Psychlos. Long
story short: Terl is stuck on Earth.
Despite his constant boasting of his
intelligence, his standings at “the academy,“
his marksmanship and his upbringing, Terl
shows himself to be the weakest villain ever -- making the likes of Skeletor and Dr. Evil look good.
Everything that leads to the downfall of the Psychlos [spoiler?] is directly caused by Terl’s
complete stupidity.
Terl wants to use the “man-animals” to mine gold for him, so he teaches plugs Barry into The
Matrix and teaches him every nuance of the Psychlo’s language and culture as well as advanced
math and science. What, modern warfare and jujitsu weren’t available? Wouldn’t it have been
better to learn (or have lackey Forrest Whitaker learn) English? Nope. Instead, Terl teaches Barry
all about Psychlos, and teaches him how to fly aircrafts and taunts him by taking him to library and
letting him read the Declaration of Independence. Good thing Barry randomly picked up that
document to read -- I imagine things would have turned out differently if Barry picked up a Dan
Brown novel instead.
Everything that leads to the downfall of the Psychlos [spoiler?] is directly caused by Terl’s
complete stupidity.
Terl wants to use the “man-animals” to mine gold for him, so he teaches plugs Barry into The
Matrix and teaches him every nuance of the Psychlo’s language and culture as well as advanced
math and science. What, modern warfare and jujitsu weren’t available? Wouldn’t it have been
better to learn (or have lackey Forrest Whitaker learn) English? Nope. Instead, Terl teaches Barry
all about Psychlos, and teaches him how to fly aircrafts and taunts him by taking him to library and
letting him read the Declaration of Independence. Good thing Barry randomly picked up that
document to read -- I imagine things would have turned out differently if Barry picked up a Dan
Brown novel instead.
| Not quite as inspiring as the Declaration of Independence. |
It’s a good thing that Terl gave Barry so much unsupervised time, cuz he and
his cavemen need every minute of it to 1) empty Fort Knox of all the gold that
the gold-loving Psychlos haven’t found in 1,000 years, 2) learn how to fly
1,000-year-old fighter jets, 3) obtain and master the use of a nuclear weapon
and 4) come up with a strategy to take out the Psychlos.
It’s the Rebel Alliance vs. the Empire all over again! And ends when Barry's
boys send a nuke to Planet Psychlo that blows up the entire planet. Yay,
xenocide?
In fact, it’s obvious that Battlefield Earth very badly wanted to be the next Star
Wars, right down to the use of the same vertical, center-out wipes. Though
the film does make the likes of Attack of the Clones look nearly entertaining.
Battlefield Earth, you are no Star Wars.
his cavemen need every minute of it to 1) empty Fort Knox of all the gold that
the gold-loving Psychlos haven’t found in 1,000 years, 2) learn how to fly
1,000-year-old fighter jets, 3) obtain and master the use of a nuclear weapon
and 4) come up with a strategy to take out the Psychlos.
It’s the Rebel Alliance vs. the Empire all over again! And ends when Barry's
boys send a nuke to Planet Psychlo that blows up the entire planet. Yay,
xenocide?
In fact, it’s obvious that Battlefield Earth very badly wanted to be the next Star
Wars, right down to the use of the same vertical, center-out wipes. Though
the film does make the likes of Attack of the Clones look nearly entertaining.
Battlefield Earth, you are no Star Wars.
Man oh man, people hate the crap out of this movie. And now that I've seen it, I know why. But you don't have to take my word for it. You should, but you don't. Observe: "Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way." -- Roger Ebert "Pretty much the Showgirls of sci-fi shoot 'em ups." -- Dennis Harvey, Variety "AAAAAAAAGHHHH! MY EYES! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" -- Ron Wells, Film Threat See? Told ya. If you're looking for more reviews of this piece of... cinema, then be sure to check out these Friends of The 'Bin: 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog Hell Horror (DVD for sale and reader reviews) Invasion of the B-Movies (Mass Invasion) |
| EVERYBODY HATES TERL A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
| '11 Binnie Winner! |