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BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER
Zero asterisks (2002, 91 minutes, Rated R)
Explosion Porn
IN A HURRY? THEN CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
This film was directed by someone named Kaos. With a “K.” And that’s all you need to know
about the direction of this film.
The opening shot is a fast pan over water towards the city skyline. How many times have we seen
this shot before? I wouldn't mind such a cliché opening if our story started at the harbor or on a
boat. Nope, we're deplaning at an airport. Sigh.
A MILF and her son are heading, uh, somewhere when DIA agents -- yes, that's a real thing -- pull
up out of nowhere to escort the kid, uh, somewhere else. But then EXPLOSIONS! CAR SMASH!
SMOKE BOMBS! That's the Name of the Game! And out of the smoke comes a hooded figure who
is very clearly Lucy Liu. Fighting time! Kick, kick, kick! Soon the boy is the only one left, and we get
the world's... slowest... reveal... that it is... in fact... Lucy Liu. No kiddin'.
She takes the kid off to, I am not making this up, her Batcave.
Zero asterisks (2002, 91 minutes, Rated R)
Explosion Porn
IN A HURRY? THEN CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
This film was directed by someone named Kaos. With a “K.” And that’s all you need to know
about the direction of this film.
The opening shot is a fast pan over water towards the city skyline. How many times have we seen
this shot before? I wouldn't mind such a cliché opening if our story started at the harbor or on a
boat. Nope, we're deplaning at an airport. Sigh.
A MILF and her son are heading, uh, somewhere when DIA agents -- yes, that's a real thing -- pull
up out of nowhere to escort the kid, uh, somewhere else. But then EXPLOSIONS! CAR SMASH!
SMOKE BOMBS! That's the Name of the Game! And out of the smoke comes a hooded figure who
is very clearly Lucy Liu. Fighting time! Kick, kick, kick! Soon the boy is the only one left, and we get
the world's... slowest... reveal... that it is... in fact... Lucy Liu. No kiddin'.
She takes the kid off to, I am not making this up, her Batcave.
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Every now and then, Nolahn will take a break from
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
reviewing crappy films no one has ever heard of to review
spectacularly bad films that everyone has heard of. Brace
yourself for another installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
This selection for THE GAUNTLET was indirectly made by fellow LAMB
and Friend of The Bin, The Movie Encyclopedia.
and Friend of The Bin, The Movie Encyclopedia.
| Ric Flair: Official Life Coach of the Bargain Bin Review |
to beat The Man." And that's exactly what
Travis from The Movie Encyclopedia did
when he defeated me in a Bad Movie Cage
Match over at Invasion of the B-Movies.
At that point, Travis had put together an
impressive string of victories. But he hadn't
faced me and my champion for Worst Movie
Ever, Rock & Roll Frankenstein... A film so
bad, after our competing reviews went up,
Travis all but conceded the contest.
Anyway, he went on to kick my ass.
Travis from The Movie Encyclopedia did
when he defeated me in a Bad Movie Cage
Match over at Invasion of the B-Movies.
At that point, Travis had put together an
impressive string of victories. But he hadn't
faced me and my champion for Worst Movie
Ever, Rock & Roll Frankenstein... A film so
bad, after our competing reviews went up,
Travis all but conceded the contest.
Anyway, he went on to kick my ass.
That's okay. I have no one to blame but you -- thanks for coming out to support me.
Travis' champion went on to win so many Cage Matches, Jason Soto was forced to retire that film
as the Ultimate Bad Movie Cage Match Champion. That film is...
Travis' champion went on to win so many Cage Matches, Jason Soto was forced to retire that film
as the Ultimate Bad Movie Cage Match Champion. That film is...
| Where does she get those wonderful toys? |
Meanwhile, FBI Agent Ecks (Antonio
Banderas) is in a bar, dripping wet
and wallowing. He's all burned out,
John McClane-style, and still tough
enough to make a pair of agents
look like chumps. Bargain Bin
Review fav Miguel Sandoval (The
Lovely Mrs. Nolahn once met this
quality character actor years ago,
and said he was very nice and
personable) shows up to make me
feel sad because he's in this film.
And to inform Ecks that his
Banderas) is in a bar, dripping wet
and wallowing. He's all burned out,
John McClane-style, and still tough
enough to make a pair of agents
look like chumps. Bargain Bin
Review fav Miguel Sandoval (The
Lovely Mrs. Nolahn once met this
quality character actor years ago,
and said he was very nice and
personable) shows up to make me
feel sad because he's in this film.
And to inform Ecks that his
long-exploded wife is still alive -- cue the EXPLOSIONS!-filled flashback.
Time for a proper briefing. I'd like to tell you exactly what happened, but everyone was too busy
mumbling cuz they're too tough to speak clearly or annunciate. In a nutshell: the boy's dad, Gant, is
the head of the DIA and has come up with a microscopic insta-kill machine. So, yeah, he's the Bad
Guy. But since the Mystery Woman That No One Knows A Single Thing About (Sever -- that's Lucy
Liu) kidnapped Gant's son, it's up to Ecks to find her.
Talk is boring, time for more EXPLOSIONS! We find Sever in the food court of a mall and -- jeez,
Lucy Liu can't even go to a food court convincingly -- running, shooting, EXPLOSIONS! It's a bit
ridiculous; even the snipers use rocket launchers. Through it all, Lucy Liu maintains her
Time for a proper briefing. I'd like to tell you exactly what happened, but everyone was too busy
mumbling cuz they're too tough to speak clearly or annunciate. In a nutshell: the boy's dad, Gant, is
the head of the DIA and has come up with a microscopic insta-kill machine. So, yeah, he's the Bad
Guy. But since the Mystery Woman That No One Knows A Single Thing About (Sever -- that's Lucy
Liu) kidnapped Gant's son, it's up to Ecks to find her.
Talk is boring, time for more EXPLOSIONS! We find Sever in the food court of a mall and -- jeez,
Lucy Liu can't even go to a food court convincingly -- running, shooting, EXPLOSIONS! It's a bit
ridiculous; even the snipers use rocket launchers. Through it all, Lucy Liu maintains her
| Lucy Liu has the exact same expression when she's gunning down dozens of federal agents. |
trademark "bored but slightly annoyed"
expression.
Poor Vancouver. Often cast as the K-Mart New
York City, this film is actually set in Vancouver,
which means this glorified turf war between
U.S. agencies is taking place on foreign soil.
Nice. I’m sure this film was in production
during 9-11, causing the filmmakers to change
the setting from New York to Vancouver.
Because rocket-launching snipers firing away
in downtown New York would have been tacky.
Rocket-launching snipers firing away in
Vancouver? Not a problem.
Anyway, when Miguel Sandoval gets hit by
Sever, he abruptly tells Ecks, "She knows! She
expression.
Poor Vancouver. Often cast as the K-Mart New
York City, this film is actually set in Vancouver,
which means this glorified turf war between
U.S. agencies is taking place on foreign soil.
Nice. I’m sure this film was in production
during 9-11, causing the filmmakers to change
the setting from New York to Vancouver.
Because rocket-launching snipers firing away
in downtown New York would have been tacky.
Rocket-launching snipers firing away in
Vancouver? Not a problem.
Anyway, when Miguel Sandoval gets hit by
Sever, he abruptly tells Ecks, "She knows! She
knows where your wife is!" The hell? Wasn't she the Mystery Woman That No One Knows A
Single Thing About ten minutes ago? And why would someone burden Miguel Sandoval with such
Single Thing About ten minutes ago? And why would someone burden Miguel Sandoval with such
| Miguel Sandoval (above, with colleague Patricia Arquette), investigating how he came to appear in this film. |
horrible lines? Oh well, more running!
Ecks and Sever finally face off on a rooftop,
where we're treated to some painfully slow
fight choreography.
And that will be the only time we actually get
Ecks vs. Sever.
Now that I think of it, all of the action
sequences feel slow, like the car are only
moving 20mph during the car chases. But
that's the least of this film's problems.
Literally ever other scene features lots of
cars skidding around and running and
shooting and EXPLOSIONS!, with little
sense of what's going on. And since most
Ecks and Sever finally face off on a rooftop,
where we're treated to some painfully slow
fight choreography.
And that will be the only time we actually get
Ecks vs. Sever.
Now that I think of it, all of the action
sequences feel slow, like the car are only
moving 20mph during the car chases. But
that's the least of this film's problems.
Literally ever other scene features lots of
cars skidding around and running and
shooting and EXPLOSIONS!, with little
sense of what's going on. And since most
of the sequences don't move the story forward, you won't care. With all the techno and
EXPLOSIONS!, this film makes Michael Bay movies look restrained.
The high water mark comes when we learn that Gant's MILFy wife is Eck's wife (?), making the kid
Eck's kid (!), and that Gant got Ecks and the MILF to believe each other was killed in an elaborate
pair of EXPLOSIONS! Damn, this movie is stupid.
I gave this review the subtitle "Explosion Porn" for a reason: The explosions are exciting at first, but
then you quickly lose interest.
Amazing: 91 minutes and not a single thing happens that is interesting, original, clever or
entertaining. Hell, I’m starting to think I was too hard on From Justin to Kelly and Super Sweet 16:
The Movie -- I don't exactly fall into the target demographic for those films, and at least they
contained an occasional amusing moment. But here, I couldn't even make it through the action
sequences without checking the clock to see how much longer I had to sit through the movie.
The sad thing is, I knew it was a crummy movie. I saw this a number of years ago, long before my
bad movie-reviewing days, and remember it being pretty weak. In fact, I acknowledged its
badness in my Bad Movie Cage Match, writing:
EXPLOSIONS!, this film makes Michael Bay movies look restrained.
The high water mark comes when we learn that Gant's MILFy wife is Eck's wife (?), making the kid
Eck's kid (!), and that Gant got Ecks and the MILF to believe each other was killed in an elaborate
pair of EXPLOSIONS! Damn, this movie is stupid.
I gave this review the subtitle "Explosion Porn" for a reason: The explosions are exciting at first, but
then you quickly lose interest.
Amazing: 91 minutes and not a single thing happens that is interesting, original, clever or
entertaining. Hell, I’m starting to think I was too hard on From Justin to Kelly and Super Sweet 16:
The Movie -- I don't exactly fall into the target demographic for those films, and at least they
contained an occasional amusing moment. But here, I couldn't even make it through the action
sequences without checking the clock to see how much longer I had to sit through the movie.
The sad thing is, I knew it was a crummy movie. I saw this a number of years ago, long before my
bad movie-reviewing days, and remember it being pretty weak. In fact, I acknowledged its
badness in my Bad Movie Cage Match, writing:
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is unquestionably a bad movie -- we’re all on the
same page here. Ballistic is messy, flatly acted, and worst of all for an
action flick, unexciting.
same page here. Ballistic is messy, flatly acted, and worst of all for an
action flick, unexciting.
After watching it again, I can say that “unexciting” is a serious understatement. You’d have to put
a gun in my mouth to make me watch it a third time.
a gun in my mouth to make me watch it a third time.
W By any measure, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is a terrible movie. You don't have to take my word for it (you should on principle, but you don't have to). Observe: director has not been allowed to direct another movie since. and rentals later, and the film is still about $55 million in the hole. rating on Rotten Tomatoes' T-Meter. That's right: ZERO percent. In contrast, the filmography of Paris Hilton averages 33% on the T- Meter. opinion? Check out what these Friends of The 'Bin have to say... 24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog! The Movie Encyclopedia |
| TOP SHELF SUCKINESS A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
As all-natural pro wrestling legend and sayer of things Ric Flair often said, "To be The Man, you got
| '11 Binnie Winner! |