STAR WARS: EPISODE II: ATTACK
OF THE CLONES
(2002, 142 minutes, Rated PG)
A recap of the "romance" between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme Amidala, starring
an obviously blackmailed and/or physically coerced Natalie Portman as Padme and the
world's first completely CGI human actor, "Hayden Christensen," as Anakin.
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OF THE CLONES
(2002, 142 minutes, Rated PG)
A recap of the "romance" between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme Amidala, starring
an obviously blackmailed and/or physically coerced Natalie Portman as Padme and the
world's first completely CGI human actor, "Hayden Christensen," as Anakin.
1 2 Previous 4
[SCENE: Leave It To Ani]
We're skipping a head a lot: Ani has inappropriate dreams about his mom, so Ani and Padme
head over to the Tatooine set George Lucas has had hermetically sealed off since the original
movie. Ani finds out that his mommy has been taken by the Sand People, so he goes off after
her. When Mommy dies in Ani's arms, Ani goes ape-shit and slaughters the entire
tribe/village/whatever of Sand Persons.
Back at the ranch, Ani is tinkering around in his step-dad's garage. Padme brings him a tray
with some cool, refreshing lemonade. Ani promptly deals with the loss of his mother with all the
maturity of a five-year-old, leading to my favorite exchange:
PADME: You're not all powerful.
ANI: Well, I should be! (Padme resists the temptation to slowly back out of the room) Someday, I
will be. I will be the most powerful Jedi ever. I promise you. I'll even stop people from dying.
Ani proceeds to blame his lack of God-like powers on Obi-Wan and confesses to the genocide
of the Sand Persons. Padme is appropriately disturbed by Ani, but chooses to comfort him
instead of calling for the Men in White to pull out their butterfly nets.
So... Does this mean she's falling for him? Between the inappropriate creepiness, the
delusions of grandeur and the actual genocide, I can't imagine why now.
[SCENE: Chains of Fools]
Blah, blah, blah, Padme changes into some old-school garb, and she heads off with Ani to
rescue Obi-Wan. We get an action sequence made specifically with the inevitable video game
in mind, and learn that slacker R2-D2 can f'n fly. Ani and Padme are captured, chained to the
Lucas version of a chariot and about to be torn apart, gladiator-style, for my -- uh, the bad guys'
-- amusement.
ANI: (pointlessly) Don't be afraid.
PADME: (mumbling, Ms. Portman obviously ashamed of the coming dialogue) I'm not afraid to
die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you've come back into my life.
(Why? Because you've been forced to pal around with this intergalactic douche for the whole
movie? Cuz I could understand that.)
PADME: I love you.
What? WHAT?!? The sheer inanity of this scene has me trembling like Lewis Black mid-rant!
Only in the movies (or high school) could the hottie fall for such an insolent, whiny little creep!
And DON'T give me any "Maybe she likes the Bad Boys" garbage!! "Bad boys" sneer a lot and
tell off the teacher, maybe sneak out a puff in the john. This guy has already slaughtered an
entire village of indigenous people and wants to be God! At best, he's Custer... at worse, a
homicidal maniac! He's done nothing but leer at her the whole damn movie, so, of course!, she
loves him.
Apparently, relationships are that simple.
Thesis? VINDICATED.
1 2 3 4
We're skipping a head a lot: Ani has inappropriate dreams about his mom, so Ani and Padme
head over to the Tatooine set George Lucas has had hermetically sealed off since the original
movie. Ani finds out that his mommy has been taken by the Sand People, so he goes off after
her. When Mommy dies in Ani's arms, Ani goes ape-shit and slaughters the entire
tribe/village/whatever of Sand Persons.
Back at the ranch, Ani is tinkering around in his step-dad's garage. Padme brings him a tray
with some cool, refreshing lemonade. Ani promptly deals with the loss of his mother with all the
maturity of a five-year-old, leading to my favorite exchange:
PADME: You're not all powerful.
ANI: Well, I should be! (Padme resists the temptation to slowly back out of the room) Someday, I
will be. I will be the most powerful Jedi ever. I promise you. I'll even stop people from dying.
Ani proceeds to blame his lack of God-like powers on Obi-Wan and confesses to the genocide
of the Sand Persons. Padme is appropriately disturbed by Ani, but chooses to comfort him
instead of calling for the Men in White to pull out their butterfly nets.
So... Does this mean she's falling for him? Between the inappropriate creepiness, the
delusions of grandeur and the actual genocide, I can't imagine why now.
[SCENE: Chains of Fools]
Blah, blah, blah, Padme changes into some old-school garb, and she heads off with Ani to
rescue Obi-Wan. We get an action sequence made specifically with the inevitable video game
in mind, and learn that slacker R2-D2 can f'n fly. Ani and Padme are captured, chained to the
Lucas version of a chariot and about to be torn apart, gladiator-style, for my -- uh, the bad guys'
-- amusement.
ANI: (pointlessly) Don't be afraid.
PADME: (mumbling, Ms. Portman obviously ashamed of the coming dialogue) I'm not afraid to
die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you've come back into my life.
(Why? Because you've been forced to pal around with this intergalactic douche for the whole
movie? Cuz I could understand that.)
PADME: I love you.
What? WHAT?!? The sheer inanity of this scene has me trembling like Lewis Black mid-rant!
Only in the movies (or high school) could the hottie fall for such an insolent, whiny little creep!
And DON'T give me any "Maybe she likes the Bad Boys" garbage!! "Bad boys" sneer a lot and
tell off the teacher, maybe sneak out a puff in the john. This guy has already slaughtered an
entire village of indigenous people and wants to be God! At best, he's Custer... at worse, a
homicidal maniac! He's done nothing but leer at her the whole damn movie, so, of course!, she
loves him.
Apparently, relationships are that simple.
Thesis? VINDICATED.
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