STAR WARS: EPISODE II:
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
(2002, 142 minutes, Rated PG)
A recap of the "romance" between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme Amidala, starring
an obviously blackmailed and/or physically coerced Natalie Portman as Padme and the
world's first completely CGI human actor, "Hayden Christensen," as Anakin.
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ATTACK OF THE CLONES
(2002, 142 minutes, Rated PG)
A recap of the "romance" between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme Amidala, starring
an obviously blackmailed and/or physically coerced Natalie Portman as Padme and the
world's first completely CGI human actor, "Hayden Christensen," as Anakin.
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[SCENE: Creepy, defined]
Ani and Padme wander around a Venice-inspired mat painting, droning on about their
childhoods or some such shit. Natalie Portman has been given the kind of dress that makes
Dad Portman age rapidly -- if any more skin were showing, the CGI performer "Hayden" would
start giving her CGI dollars.
Now, the creepy part: On the word "soft," Ani begins to slowly and awkwardly caress Padme's
naked shoulder blade. Padme surprisingly doesn't smack his hand away, causing Ani to break
out his Dubya smirk. Padme stares blankly at Ani. Ani leans in and kisses her.
Music swells. Stomachs churn. I wonder why she isn't spraying him with mace.
PADME: (breaking off the kiss) No, I shouldn't have done that (even though the kiss was all Ani).
ANI: (with extra robot) I'm. Sorry.
Ani then flashes an aggravated look, like he can't understand why she isn't going down on him
right now.
[SCENE: The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Lucas Love]
We're in the Meadow of Triple Niagara Falls, and Ani and Padme are talking about past
crushes, as many a bodyguard/protectee do. Ani struts his immaturity by getting jealous of the
guy Padme had a crush on... when she was 12. Talk turns to politics (Hott!) and Ani acts like an
immature little jerk again.
I'm beginning to understand why the Jedi Council sent Ani away -- he's a giant douche bag.
Later, our professional bodyguard is goofing off with some kind of giant tick/cattle things, and
gets his stupid ass trampled. Padme, upset that she'll have to get another Jedi bodyguard, runs
over to Ani. Unfortunately, he's fine. The two then engage in the most hilariously forced bout of
"playful" rolling around I've ever witnessed -- on film or in real life. Really, this scene is so bad,
when George Lucas' mom first saw it, she immediately hit him with a ruler and sent him to his
room without any supper.
[SCENE: Love is in the Air?]
Ani and Padme dine alone, which makes me wonder why Padme doesn't have any family or
real friends on her home planet. They're laughing at each other's bad jokes -- a true sign that
love is in the air. Ani makes like David Copperfield and shows off his Force powers.
Ani and Padme wander around a Venice-inspired mat painting, droning on about their
childhoods or some such shit. Natalie Portman has been given the kind of dress that makes
Dad Portman age rapidly -- if any more skin were showing, the CGI performer "Hayden" would
start giving her CGI dollars.
Now, the creepy part: On the word "soft," Ani begins to slowly and awkwardly caress Padme's
naked shoulder blade. Padme surprisingly doesn't smack his hand away, causing Ani to break
out his Dubya smirk. Padme stares blankly at Ani. Ani leans in and kisses her.
Music swells. Stomachs churn. I wonder why she isn't spraying him with mace.
PADME: (breaking off the kiss) No, I shouldn't have done that (even though the kiss was all Ani).
ANI: (with extra robot) I'm. Sorry.
Ani then flashes an aggravated look, like he can't understand why she isn't going down on him
right now.
[SCENE: The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Lucas Love]
We're in the Meadow of Triple Niagara Falls, and Ani and Padme are talking about past
crushes, as many a bodyguard/protectee do. Ani struts his immaturity by getting jealous of the
guy Padme had a crush on... when she was 12. Talk turns to politics (Hott!) and Ani acts like an
immature little jerk again.
I'm beginning to understand why the Jedi Council sent Ani away -- he's a giant douche bag.
Later, our professional bodyguard is goofing off with some kind of giant tick/cattle things, and
gets his stupid ass trampled. Padme, upset that she'll have to get another Jedi bodyguard, runs
over to Ani. Unfortunately, he's fine. The two then engage in the most hilariously forced bout of
"playful" rolling around I've ever witnessed -- on film or in real life. Really, this scene is so bad,
when George Lucas' mom first saw it, she immediately hit him with a ruler and sent him to his
room without any supper.
[SCENE: Love is in the Air?]
Ani and Padme dine alone, which makes me wonder why Padme doesn't have any family or
real friends on her home planet. They're laughing at each other's bad jokes -- a true sign that
love is in the air. Ani makes like David Copperfield and shows off his Force powers.
Padme finally gets a word in, telling him to shut the hell up and that it will never work between
them. Ani immediately throws that whole "I will do anything that you ask" bit out the window.
For the rest of the scene, the two robot at each other, and I wonder why Padme doesn't just
shoot him down already.
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them. Ani immediately throws that whole "I will do anything that you ask" bit out the window.
For the rest of the scene, the two robot at each other, and I wonder why Padme doesn't just
shoot him down already.
1 2 3 Next
Later, Padme has changed into her finest
"Take me, stud" gown. The two are sitting
by the fire, and Chef is warming up his
singing voice. Ani, of course, ruins it all by
talking.
ANI: From the moment I met you. All those
years ago. Not a day has gone by. Where I
hadn't. Thought of you. Now that I'm with
you again. I'm in agony.
Way to go, stud! Ani keeps blathering on
about how miserable Padme makes him.
Padme shifts around in her seat, wishing
she could put on a sweater.
ANI: I'm haunted by the kiss you shouldn't
have given me.
Both Padme and I roll our eyes. 1) You
made the move on her, douche. 2) Shut up
already! Natalie Portman is a fine actress,
but she's struggling not to look mortified in
this scene.
ANI: I will do anything that you ask.
"Take me, stud" gown. The two are sitting
by the fire, and Chef is warming up his
singing voice. Ani, of course, ruins it all by
talking.
ANI: From the moment I met you. All those
years ago. Not a day has gone by. Where I
hadn't. Thought of you. Now that I'm with
you again. I'm in agony.
Way to go, stud! Ani keeps blathering on
about how miserable Padme makes him.
Padme shifts around in her seat, wishing
she could put on a sweater.
ANI: I'm haunted by the kiss you shouldn't
have given me.
Both Padme and I roll our eyes. 1) You
made the move on her, douche. 2) Shut up
already! Natalie Portman is a fine actress,
but she's struggling not to look mortified in
this scene.
ANI: I will do anything that you ask.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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