STAR WARS: EPISODE II:
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
(2002, 142 minutes, Rated PG)
A recap of the "romance" between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme Amidala, starring
an obviously blackmailed and/or physically coerced Natalie Portman as Padme and the
world's first completely CGI human actor, "Hayden Christensen," as Anakin.
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ATTACK OF THE CLONES
(2002, 142 minutes, Rated PG)
A recap of the "romance" between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padme Amidala, starring
an obviously blackmailed and/or physically coerced Natalie Portman as Padme and the
world's first completely CGI human actor, "Hayden Christensen," as Anakin.
Previous 2 3 4
[SCENE: When Ani met Padme...]
It's ten years after the clusterfuck that was The Phantom Menace, and after an assassination
attempt on Amidala's life (referred to from this point as "Padme," cuz it looks like "pad me"),
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker ("Ani") are assigned guard duty to protect her. That's
right: Lucas ripped off this plot line from a Whitney Houston vehicle.
Here's the opening volley upon meeting again for the first time in a decade:
PADME: Ani? My goodness, you've grown. (Puberty will do that)
ANI: So. Have. You... More beautiful. I. Mean. (Padme gives a strained look, like she ate too
much cheese the day before) Well. For a senator. I mean. (Very smooth, pimp daddy)
PADME: (going straight for the emasculation) Ani, you'll alwasy be the that little boy I knew on
Tatooine.
After some embarrassing and unprofessional bickering with Obi-Wan during the security brief,
Ani whines to Jar-Jar (!!) about how Padme didn't recognize her (which she did) and that he's
been thinking about her non-stop since the end of the last movie and how come they're not
doing it already? It's going to be a long movie.
[SCENE: Lots and lots of baggage]
After another assassination attempt, Obi-Wan is sent off to do whatever and Ani and Padme as
told to return to Padme's home planet of WhoCares and hide out. Natalie Portman spends the
entire scene packing suitcases, angrily expositioning and wishing she was hadn't signed that
contract.
PADME: (after Ani whips out some platitudes) Ani, you've grown up.
Ani promptly contradicts her by trash-talking Obi-Wan and whining about how everyone treats
him like a whiny little child. Padme manages to keep herself from throwing a shoe at him. Then
Ani starts with the creepy staring.
PADME: Please don't look at me like that.
ANI: (clearly imagining his face nestled between her legs) Why not?
PADME: (forcing back the vomit) It makes me uncomfortable.
ANI: (giving a Dubya-esque smirk, enjoying her discomfort) Sorry, my lady.
Yes, this really is romance in the making!
[SCENE: Long Ride to Palookaville]
Ani and Padme make small talk while taking the Lucas version of a steamship to Planet
WhoCares. Ani starts up with the inappropriate outbursts, causing Padme to make her "too
much cheese" face again.
[SCENE: Back on the Homefront]
On Planet WhoCares, we get some confusing exposition about why Senator Amidala is no
longer Queen Amidala. Who knew queens had term limits? Then we go a classic Lucas
"everyone sit in a semi-circle discussing Important Events" scene.
Guy With Beard asks for "the Jedi's" thoughts. Padme immediately tools on Ani, pointing out that
he's still an intern -- yes, I know that's not the term Lucas created, I don't care. Ani mouths off to
Padme in front of everyone. Padme manages not cry out, "Off with his head!" and Ani
apologizes like only a sullen little brat can.
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It's ten years after the clusterfuck that was The Phantom Menace, and after an assassination
attempt on Amidala's life (referred to from this point as "Padme," cuz it looks like "pad me"),
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker ("Ani") are assigned guard duty to protect her. That's
right: Lucas ripped off this plot line from a Whitney Houston vehicle.
Here's the opening volley upon meeting again for the first time in a decade:
PADME: Ani? My goodness, you've grown. (Puberty will do that)
ANI: So. Have. You... More beautiful. I. Mean. (Padme gives a strained look, like she ate too
much cheese the day before) Well. For a senator. I mean. (Very smooth, pimp daddy)
PADME: (going straight for the emasculation) Ani, you'll alwasy be the that little boy I knew on
Tatooine.
After some embarrassing and unprofessional bickering with Obi-Wan during the security brief,
Ani whines to Jar-Jar (!!) about how Padme didn't recognize her (which she did) and that he's
been thinking about her non-stop since the end of the last movie and how come they're not
doing it already? It's going to be a long movie.
[SCENE: Lots and lots of baggage]
After another assassination attempt, Obi-Wan is sent off to do whatever and Ani and Padme as
told to return to Padme's home planet of WhoCares and hide out. Natalie Portman spends the
entire scene packing suitcases, angrily expositioning and wishing she was hadn't signed that
contract.
PADME: (after Ani whips out some platitudes) Ani, you've grown up.
Ani promptly contradicts her by trash-talking Obi-Wan and whining about how everyone treats
him like a whiny little child. Padme manages to keep herself from throwing a shoe at him. Then
Ani starts with the creepy staring.
PADME: Please don't look at me like that.
ANI: (clearly imagining his face nestled between her legs) Why not?
PADME: (forcing back the vomit) It makes me uncomfortable.
ANI: (giving a Dubya-esque smirk, enjoying her discomfort) Sorry, my lady.
Yes, this really is romance in the making!
[SCENE: Long Ride to Palookaville]
Ani and Padme make small talk while taking the Lucas version of a steamship to Planet
WhoCares. Ani starts up with the inappropriate outbursts, causing Padme to make her "too
much cheese" face again.
[SCENE: Back on the Homefront]
On Planet WhoCares, we get some confusing exposition about why Senator Amidala is no
longer Queen Amidala. Who knew queens had term limits? Then we go a classic Lucas
"everyone sit in a semi-circle discussing Important Events" scene.
Guy With Beard asks for "the Jedi's" thoughts. Padme immediately tools on Ani, pointing out that
he's still an intern -- yes, I know that's not the term Lucas created, I don't care. Ani mouths off to
Padme in front of everyone. Padme manages not cry out, "Off with his head!" and Ani
apologizes like only a sullen little brat can.
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