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ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS:
THE SQUEAKQUEL
* (2009, 88 minutes, Rated PG)
Call pest control.
THE SQUEAKQUEL
* (2009, 88 minutes, Rated PG)
Call pest control.
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By Rage Against Marie, Special to the Bargain Bin Review.
Painful.
I know pain. For one, I play roller derby. Just the other day during a
scrimmage, I fell over and another woman fell on my head. That simply
hurt. I've also given birth to not one but two of Nolahn's big-headed
babies (you can't tell from his picture, but Nolahn is built like f'n Charlie
Brown). That also hurt.
But watching this movie? Painful.
And it wasn't just the movie that was painful. It was painfully awkward to
listen to an entire theater of fully grown adults laugh and laugh and laugh
at all the "jokes." Kids laughing? I get. But adults should know better.
Their moronic guffaws gnawed away at my nerves to the point where I
wanted to feed each and every one of 'em a haymaker sandwich.
Nolahn convinced me that the best thing to do was to channel my rage
into a review. I don't know what good that will do, but here it goes:
Painful.
I know pain. For one, I play roller derby. Just the other day during a
scrimmage, I fell over and another woman fell on my head. That simply
hurt. I've also given birth to not one but two of Nolahn's big-headed
babies (you can't tell from his picture, but Nolahn is built like f'n Charlie
Brown). That also hurt.
But watching this movie? Painful.
And it wasn't just the movie that was painful. It was painfully awkward to
listen to an entire theater of fully grown adults laugh and laugh and laugh
at all the "jokes." Kids laughing? I get. But adults should know better.
Their moronic guffaws gnawed away at my nerves to the point where I
wanted to feed each and every one of 'em a haymaker sandwich.
Nolahn convinced me that the best thing to do was to channel my rage
into a review. I don't know what good that will do, but here it goes:
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Every now and then, we take a break from reviewing crappy
films no one has ever heard of to review spectacularly bad
films that everyone has heard of. Brace yourself for another
installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
films no one has ever heard of to review spectacularly bad
films that everyone has heard of. Brace yourself for another
installment of...
CRAP OF THE TITANS!
While performing a concert in Paris, Alvin's neglectful hot dogging causes Dave (My Name Is
Earl's Jason Lee) to be laid up in the hospital indefinitely. Say goodbye to Jason Lee, cuz he's all
but out of the movie at this point.
The Chipmunks are sent back to the States to stay with their wheelchair-bound aunt. At the
airport, the excited rodents jump on and off of the aunt's lap, causing her to bounce backwards
down a staircase in her wheelchair. But she's okay! Only to be sideswiped by a speeding
luggage cart! Maiming the handicapped -- hilarious!
Ugh.
So now it's up to cousin Toby (played by TV's Chuck, Zachari Levi) to put his video games away
and grow up enough to take care of the little pests. And thank God for Toby, because if there was
Earl's Jason Lee) to be laid up in the hospital indefinitely. Say goodbye to Jason Lee, cuz he's all
but out of the movie at this point.
The Chipmunks are sent back to the States to stay with their wheelchair-bound aunt. At the
airport, the excited rodents jump on and off of the aunt's lap, causing her to bounce backwards
down a staircase in her wheelchair. But she's okay! Only to be sideswiped by a speeding
luggage cart! Maiming the handicapped -- hilarious!
Ugh.
So now it's up to cousin Toby (played by TV's Chuck, Zachari Levi) to put his video games away
and grow up enough to take care of the little pests. And thank God for Toby, because if there was
| Thank you for being there when I needed you, Zachari. Or may I call you "Sugar"? |
any redeeming element to sitting
through this damn movie, it was the
inclusion of Zachari Levi.
Sweet-faced, dreamy Zachari Levi...
There's all sorts of nonsense about
the villain from the first movie
(played by David Cross, a fact that
made Nolahn weep like a baby)
living in the basement of a music
studio. While wishing that he had
his own "group of singing animals"
-- and who hasn't wished that at
some point in their lives -- the
Chipettes FedEx themselves to his
front door. Of course.
through this damn movie, it was the
inclusion of Zachari Levi.
Sweet-faced, dreamy Zachari Levi...
There's all sorts of nonsense about
the villain from the first movie
(played by David Cross, a fact that
made Nolahn weep like a baby)
living in the basement of a music
studio. While wishing that he had
his own "group of singing animals"
-- and who hasn't wished that at
some point in their lives -- the
Chipettes FedEx themselves to his
front door. Of course.
So they're all in high school together, and the Chipmunks are smitten with the Chipettes but are
also competing against them in some contrived singing competition. And there's a ridiculous
sub-plot where Alvin is talked into joining the football team. I'm not well-versed with all the ins and
outs of football, but even I know that if you need to add an eight-inch tall rodent to your football
squad, your team sucks.
This is miserable. Can I get another picture of Zachari Levi in here?
also competing against them in some contrived singing competition. And there's a ridiculous
sub-plot where Alvin is talked into joining the football team. I'm not well-versed with all the ins and
outs of football, but even I know that if you need to add an eight-inch tall rodent to your football
squad, your team sucks.
This is miserable. Can I get another picture of Zachari Levi in here?
| Nolahn isn't going to live forever, Sugar. I'm just sayin'. |
It all builds to a big rescue sequence with Alvin and the Chipettes riding around on a toy
motorcycle (which is outfitted with four toy helmets -- safety first, kids!) and David Cross getting
nailed in the nuts with said motorcycle. And if that wasn't humiliating enough for Mr. Cross, he
motorcycle (which is outfitted with four toy helmets -- safety first, kids!) and David Cross getting
nailed in the nuts with said motorcycle. And if that wasn't humiliating enough for Mr. Cross, he
| David Cross (above) wincing at what he had to do for this film. |
then has to pass himself off as the Chipettes,
performing "All the Single Ladies" in (chipmunk) drag at
the Staples Center. I don't know what David Cross did
to piss off his agent, but it must have been pretty bad.
Okay, so there were a few cute scenes in the film, but
just about everyone involved (with the notable exception
of my adorable and kissable Sugar, Zachari Levi) was
annoying as sin. Even Alvin. Hell, especially Alvin. I
hate to burst anyone's bubble, but Alvin is a complete
jackhole. I don't know that I could go ten minutes with
Alvin before punting that little shitknocker across the
street.
performing "All the Single Ladies" in (chipmunk) drag at
the Staples Center. I don't know what David Cross did
to piss off his agent, but it must have been pretty bad.
Okay, so there were a few cute scenes in the film, but
just about everyone involved (with the notable exception
of my adorable and kissable Sugar, Zachari Levi) was
annoying as sin. Even Alvin. Hell, especially Alvin. I
hate to burst anyone's bubble, but Alvin is a complete
jackhole. I don't know that I could go ten minutes with
Alvin before punting that little shitknocker across the
street.
For as bad as this movie is, I can at least explain its existence (Ka-ching!). What I can't explain is
the packed theater of people who thought this was The Funniest Movie Ever. It was like I was
surrounded by crazy people.
Speaking of crazy people, as I was leaving the theater I saw a potential Mom of the Year
screaming at her kid about how they're not sitting in the front row. Charming. It was a nice
reminder of why I hate going out in public.
I'm still not feeling much better. I think I need one more picture of my Sugar.
the packed theater of people who thought this was The Funniest Movie Ever. It was like I was
surrounded by crazy people.
Speaking of crazy people, as I was leaving the theater I saw a potential Mom of the Year
screaming at her kid about how they're not sitting in the front row. Charming. It was a nice
reminder of why I hate going out in public.
I'm still not feeling much better. I think I need one more picture of my Sugar.
Ah, much better. Thanks.
Though this is her very first film review, Rage Against
Marie is a long-time Supporter of The 'Bin and a pivot for
the Utica Clubbers.
Though this is her very first film review, Rage Against
Marie is a long-time Supporter of The 'Bin and a pivot for
the Utica Clubbers.
Looking for a second opinion? Check out
what Travis had to say about this film over at
The Movie Encyclopedia,
what Travis had to say about this film over at
The Movie Encyclopedia,