GOBBLE, GOBBLE
Two incredible turkeys for the price of one!
It may seem a bit redundant to write a special piece on
bad movies on a site that specializes in reviewing bad
movies. So let's be clear about this: There are two
different kind of "turkey" films.
1) Bad films that are deliciously good fun. These are
the kind of films we're looking for here at the 'Bin, stuff
like this and this. They're like that first plate of
Thanksgiving leftovers -- requiring little effort, just as
tasty and likely to make you doze off.
2) Bloated, over-hyped Hollywood fiascoes. It has the
big budget, big names, big effects... and still manages
to be a big stinker. These movies are like the plate of
Thanksgiving leftovers you have almost a week after
Thanksgiving -- you're sick of it even before you start
eating and you're really just eating it out of obligation and
is this even safe to consume? You know, movies like
this one:
Two incredible turkeys for the price of one!
It may seem a bit redundant to write a special piece on
bad movies on a site that specializes in reviewing bad
movies. So let's be clear about this: There are two
different kind of "turkey" films.
1) Bad films that are deliciously good fun. These are
the kind of films we're looking for here at the 'Bin, stuff
like this and this. They're like that first plate of
Thanksgiving leftovers -- requiring little effort, just as
tasty and likely to make you doze off.
2) Bloated, over-hyped Hollywood fiascoes. It has the
big budget, big names, big effects... and still manages
to be a big stinker. These movies are like the plate of
Thanksgiving leftovers you have almost a week after
Thanksgiving -- you're sick of it even before you start
eating and you're really just eating it out of obligation and
is this even safe to consume? You know, movies like
this one:
GODZILLA (1998)
Heartbreaker. Dream Maker. Love Taker.
I hope you can appreciate how much this hurts. Really, truly hurts. My life-long love for Godzilla is well
documented, so obviously, I was out of my gourd when I heard that Hollywood was going to make an
all-American, all-out, hell-yeah film about the King of the Monsters. Besides, it was being made by the
same guys who made the heapin' slab of superficial fun that was Independence Day, so they'd have the
mass destruction part down. How bad could it be?
Oy.
Heartbreaker. Dream Maker. Love Taker.
I hope you can appreciate how much this hurts. Really, truly hurts. My life-long love for Godzilla is well
documented, so obviously, I was out of my gourd when I heard that Hollywood was going to make an
all-American, all-out, hell-yeah film about the King of the Monsters. Besides, it was being made by the
same guys who made the heapin' slab of superficial fun that was Independence Day, so they'd have the
mass destruction part down. How bad could it be?
Oy.
The many ways in which this film sucks have been
written about extensively, so I'll just go through the
highlights: Godzilla is transformed into a big dumb
T-Rex with no nuclear breath, the characters are
sitcom-ish and so dull you want to see them get
eaten, the acting ranges from okay to cover-your-eyes
awful, all of the Baby Godzillas running around turned
the movie into Jurassic Park 2.5, the dragged-out jab
at Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert is beyond immature,
the U.S. Army comes off as grossly inept yet still
manages to kill Godzilla, we'd just seen New York
City get trashed in Independence Day and thanks to
the strange, ever-present marketing campaign ("His
foot is bigger than this billboard!" I'll let you insert
your own "My dick is bigger than..." joke here.)
everyone was more or less sick of the movie before
walking into the theater.
It's taken me some time and distance to see the real
problem with this movie, the thing most people mean
when they say that this Godzilla, "just isn't Godzilla":
The U.S. Godzilla isn't mythic.
written about extensively, so I'll just go through the
highlights: Godzilla is transformed into a big dumb
T-Rex with no nuclear breath, the characters are
sitcom-ish and so dull you want to see them get
eaten, the acting ranges from okay to cover-your-eyes
awful, all of the Baby Godzillas running around turned
the movie into Jurassic Park 2.5, the dragged-out jab
at Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert is beyond immature,
the U.S. Army comes off as grossly inept yet still
manages to kill Godzilla, we'd just seen New York
City get trashed in Independence Day and thanks to
the strange, ever-present marketing campaign ("His
foot is bigger than this billboard!" I'll let you insert
your own "My dick is bigger than..." joke here.)
everyone was more or less sick of the movie before
walking into the theater.
It's taken me some time and distance to see the real
problem with this movie, the thing most people mean
when they say that this Godzilla, "just isn't Godzilla":
The U.S. Godzilla isn't mythic.
In the Japanese films -- be it the original, the cheesy Showa series or the more serious Heisei series or
Millennium films -- Godzilla is always more than just a giant radioactive lizard. He's a force of nature, a
symbol, something you can't make go away by shooting missiles at him. Godzilla is bigger than that. The
cardinal sin of the U.S. Godzilla is not that Godzilla wasn't a guy in a rubber suit or that they changed the
creature's look, but that by turning Godzilla into a giant lizard with regular feeding habits, nesting instincts
and the like, they made Godzilla ordinary.
Believe it or not, there is one Godzilla film that is just as bad...
1 Next
Millennium films -- Godzilla is always more than just a giant radioactive lizard. He's a force of nature, a
symbol, something you can't make go away by shooting missiles at him. Godzilla is bigger than that. The
cardinal sin of the U.S. Godzilla is not that Godzilla wasn't a guy in a rubber suit or that they changed the
creature's look, but that by turning Godzilla into a giant lizard with regular feeding habits, nesting instincts
and the like, they made Godzilla ordinary.
Believe it or not, there is one Godzilla film that is just as bad...
1 Next
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| Eat me! |
| That is one big drumstick. |
