BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE
Two incredible turkeys for the price of one!
It may seem a bit redundant to write a special piece on bad
movies on a site that specializes in reviewing bad movies. So
let's be clear about this: There are two different kind of "turkey"
films.
1) Bad films that are deliciously good fun. These are the
kind of films we're looking for here at the 'Bin, stuff like this and
this. They're like that first plate of Thanksgiving leftovers --
requiring little effort, just as tasty and likely to make you doze off.
2) Bloated, over-hyped Hollywood fiascoes. It has the big
budget, big names, big effects... and still manages to be a big
stinker. These movies are like the plate of Thanksgiving
leftovers you have almost a week after Thanksgiving -- you're
sick of it even before you start eating and you're really just eating
it out of obligation and is this even safe to consume? You know,
movies like this one:
Two incredible turkeys for the price of one!
It may seem a bit redundant to write a special piece on bad
movies on a site that specializes in reviewing bad movies. So
let's be clear about this: There are two different kind of "turkey"
films.
1) Bad films that are deliciously good fun. These are the
kind of films we're looking for here at the 'Bin, stuff like this and
this. They're like that first plate of Thanksgiving leftovers --
requiring little effort, just as tasty and likely to make you doze off.
2) Bloated, over-hyped Hollywood fiascoes. It has the big
budget, big names, big effects... and still manages to be a big
stinker. These movies are like the plate of Thanksgiving
leftovers you have almost a week after Thanksgiving -- you're
sick of it even before you start eating and you're really just eating
it out of obligation and is this even safe to consume? You know,
movies like this one:
| Eat me! |
GODZILLA (1998)
Heartbreaker. Dream Maker. Love Taker.
I hope you can appreciate how much this hurts. Really, truly hurts. My life-long love for Godzilla is well
documented, so obviously, I was out of my gourd when I heard that Hollywood was going to make an
all-American, all-out, hell-yeah film about the King of the Monsters. Besides, it was being made by the
same guys who made the heapin' slab of superficial fun that was Independence Day, so they'd have the
mass destruction part down. How bad could it be?
Oy.
Heartbreaker. Dream Maker. Love Taker.
I hope you can appreciate how much this hurts. Really, truly hurts. My life-long love for Godzilla is well
documented, so obviously, I was out of my gourd when I heard that Hollywood was going to make an
all-American, all-out, hell-yeah film about the King of the Monsters. Besides, it was being made by the
same guys who made the heapin' slab of superficial fun that was Independence Day, so they'd have the
mass destruction part down. How bad could it be?
Oy.
| That is one big drumstick. |
The many ways in which this film sucks have been
written about extensively, so I'll just go through the
highlights: Godzilla is transformed into a big dumb
T-Rex with no nuclear breath, the characters are
sitcom-ish and so dull you want to see them get eaten,
the acting ranges from okay to cover-your-eyes awful, all
of the Baby Godzillas running around turned the movie
into Jurassic Park 2.5, the dragged-out jab at Gene
Siskel and Roger Ebert is beyond immature, the U.S.
Army comes off as grossly inept yet still manages to kill
Godzilla, we'd just seen New York City get trashed in
Independence Day and thanks to the strange,
ever-present marketing campaign ("His foot is bigger
than this billboard!" I'll let you insert your own "My dick is
bigger than..." joke here.) everyone was more or less
sick of the movie before walking into the theater.
It's taken me some time and distance to see the real
problem with this movie, the thing most people mean
when they say that this Godzilla, "just isn't Godzilla": The
U.S. Godzilla isn't mythic.
written about extensively, so I'll just go through the
highlights: Godzilla is transformed into a big dumb
T-Rex with no nuclear breath, the characters are
sitcom-ish and so dull you want to see them get eaten,
the acting ranges from okay to cover-your-eyes awful, all
of the Baby Godzillas running around turned the movie
into Jurassic Park 2.5, the dragged-out jab at Gene
Siskel and Roger Ebert is beyond immature, the U.S.
Army comes off as grossly inept yet still manages to kill
Godzilla, we'd just seen New York City get trashed in
Independence Day and thanks to the strange,
ever-present marketing campaign ("His foot is bigger
than this billboard!" I'll let you insert your own "My dick is
bigger than..." joke here.) everyone was more or less
sick of the movie before walking into the theater.
It's taken me some time and distance to see the real
problem with this movie, the thing most people mean
when they say that this Godzilla, "just isn't Godzilla": The
U.S. Godzilla isn't mythic.
In the Japanese films -- be it the original, the cheesy Showa series or the more serious Heisei series or
Millennium films -- Godzilla is always more than just a giant radioactive lizard. He's a force of nature, a
symbol, something you can't make go away by shooting missiles at him. Godzilla is bigger than that. The
cardinal sin of the U.S. Godzilla is not that Godzilla wasn't a guy in a rubber suit or that they changed the
creature's look, but that by turning Godzilla into a giant lizard with regular feeding habits, nesting instincts
and the like, they made Godzilla ordinary.
Believe it or not, there is one Godzilla film that is just as bad...
1 Next
Millennium films -- Godzilla is always more than just a giant radioactive lizard. He's a force of nature, a
symbol, something you can't make go away by shooting missiles at him. Godzilla is bigger than that. The
cardinal sin of the U.S. Godzilla is not that Godzilla wasn't a guy in a rubber suit or that they changed the
creature's look, but that by turning Godzilla into a giant lizard with regular feeding habits, nesting instincts
and the like, they made Godzilla ordinary.
Believe it or not, there is one Godzilla film that is just as bad...
1 Next
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