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2009 STATE OF THE 'BIN
100TH REVIEW SPECIAL: Our Chief Reviewing Officer addresses the
Nation on the state of the Bargain Bin Review
100TH REVIEW SPECIAL: Our Chief Reviewing Officer addresses the
Nation on the state of the Bargain Bin Review
Madam Speaker, Vice Principal Vernon, Colleagues and Cohorts of The ‘Bin, distinguished pets,
casual fans and the guy who Googled “American Elvis” and found this site by accident... Thank you
for allowing me a few minutes to address you all in such an intimate setting.
casual fans and the guy who Googled “American Elvis” and found this site by accident... Thank you
for allowing me a few minutes to address you all in such an intimate setting.
Two years and 100 movie reviews ago, after having read one too many reviews of Fantastic Four:
Rise of the Silver Surfer, I set the Bargain Bin Review adrift into the Internet – the final frontier. Its
ongoing mission: To review strange, unheard of films, to seek out new definitions for
“entertainment” and to boldly watch movies very few have watched before.
And that’s been working out pretty well for us.
Rise of the Silver Surfer, I set the Bargain Bin Review adrift into the Internet – the final frontier. Its
ongoing mission: To review strange, unheard of films, to seek out new definitions for
“entertainment” and to boldly watch movies very few have watched before.
And that’s been working out pretty well for us.
Oh, it hasn’t always been easy. For along with the highs of discovering a “so bad, it’s good” gem
like The Dragon Wins Again, I’ve also suffered the pain and torment of such films as Vampires vs.
Zombies and Hell Asylum. And I won’t sugar-coat it, my friends. Some of those movies do inflict
actual physical pain. During those times, I make like Jesse Ventura in Predator and spit a giant
tobacco loogie across the room, gritting, “I ain’t got time to bleed” (this always gets me in trouble
with the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn).
I find strength in thinking of The ‘Bin as a public service – no, as on a Mission of Mercy: To protect
you from those movies, watching them so you don’t have to. You're welcome.
like The Dragon Wins Again, I’ve also suffered the pain and torment of such films as Vampires vs.
Zombies and Hell Asylum. And I won’t sugar-coat it, my friends. Some of those movies do inflict
actual physical pain. During those times, I make like Jesse Ventura in Predator and spit a giant
tobacco loogie across the room, gritting, “I ain’t got time to bleed” (this always gets me in trouble
with the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn).
I find strength in thinking of The ‘Bin as a public service – no, as on a Mission of Mercy: To protect
you from those movies, watching them so you don’t have to. You're welcome.
But as William Shakespeare, Abraham Lincoln or Casper Van Dein once said, “What’s past is
prologue.” I’m not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like a good transition from talking
about the past to the future of the Bargain Bin Review.
My friends, we are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest
of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future. And
what exactly does the future hold for the Bargain Bin Review?
prologue.” I’m not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like a good transition from talking
about the past to the future of the Bargain Bin Review.
My friends, we are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest
of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future. And
what exactly does the future hold for the Bargain Bin Review?
- For the New Year, we're looking to get with the times and put up an Official Bargain Bin
Review Facebook page. We're also working on a collection of web banners. And since we
don't have a proper graphic artist on staff, we'll soon be Home of the Internet's Dullest
Banner!
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- In December, The ‘Bin will become the new home of the B-Movie Meatloaf. This bi-monthly
roundtable is the brainchild of the guys over at Strictly Splatter, and I’d like to thank them for
letting me take care of their baby.
- Also in December will our first “Season of Giving” Special, where we’ll feature works from
our Friends of The ‘Bin (with the hidden benefit of getting me off the hook for a week or two).
And, of course, we’ll submit our federally mandated review of a Christmas-themed movie.
- Speaking of holiday themes, this February you can look forward to our “Heart-On for
Valentine’s” month -- very juvenile, we know -- where we’ll take on some choice b-movie
erotic thrillers. Erotic something-or-others, anyway.
- Near the end of February, we’ll announce the nominations for the 2nd Annual Binnie
Awards (coming March 2010). With some new categories mixed in with returning favorites,
this year’s Binnies promises to be even bigger and better than last year’s.
- I do have a couple other things brewing, some more long-term than others, so you’ll just
have to keep an eye out. And after that? Flying cars! Video phones! And the Robot Butler I’ve
always wanted!
Of course, along with all those goodies we’ll be bringing you more of what you like. More Crap of
the Titans, more ‘Bin Specials, more sidebar snarkiness and more reviews in our never-ending
quest to find movies that are so bad, they’re good.
And so, my friends, it is my promise to you to keep the Bargain Bin Review moving upwards, not
downwards… forwards, not backwards… thisaways, not thataways… spinning right round, like a
record.
Starting next week, the reviews begin anew, the cause is taken up again and the dream of finding
the very Best of the Bad lives on!
the Titans, more ‘Bin Specials, more sidebar snarkiness and more reviews in our never-ending
quest to find movies that are so bad, they’re good.
And so, my friends, it is my promise to you to keep the Bargain Bin Review moving upwards, not
downwards… forwards, not backwards… thisaways, not thataways… spinning right round, like a
record.
Starting next week, the reviews begin anew, the cause is taken up again and the dream of finding
the very Best of the Bad lives on!
| Nolahn claims to also know karate. This is news to us. |
| Thank you, thankyouverymuch. |
| When we told Nolahn to dress up for the State of The 'Bin address, this was not what we had in mind. |