 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES
* * (2007, 83 minutes, Unrated)
Weak Weak Weak
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
I used to think that, like pizza and sex, there was no such thing as a bad zombie movie. Since
starting this site, I've learned to know better.
Zombies Zombies Zombies kicks off with some handicaptions telling us we're at the "Romero Ice
Skating Rink" (ugh!), near a "secret government chemical lab" in New Mexico. A couple comes out
* * (2007, 83 minutes, Unrated)
Weak Weak Weak
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
I used to think that, like pizza and sex, there was no such thing as a bad zombie movie. Since
starting this site, I've learned to know better.
Zombies Zombies Zombies kicks off with some handicaptions telling us we're at the "Romero Ice
Skating Rink" (ugh!), near a "secret government chemical lab" in New Mexico. A couple comes out
 |
the rink to find a couple of zombies loitering
around a dumpster, as zombies tend to do. The
boyfriend holds up his Blackberry like it's a
badge, threatening to call the cops. The
zombies aren't impressed. Munch!
The figure skater pulls a machete out of her gym
bag -- if that's standard skating equipment, then
we've come a long way from taking a lead pipe to
Nancy Kerrigan's knee. And... it's all just a 3-D
movie, being watched by a girl who is waaaaaay
too young to be watching zombie movies.
The opening credits of Zombies Zombies
Zombies -- or Zombies x3, as I like to call it --
looks suspiciously like the menu animation on
the Shaun of the Dead DVD. Just sayin'.
around a dumpster, as zombies tend to do. The
boyfriend holds up his Blackberry like it's a
badge, threatening to call the cops. The
zombies aren't impressed. Munch!
The figure skater pulls a machete out of her gym
bag -- if that's standard skating equipment, then
we've come a long way from taking a lead pipe to
Nancy Kerrigan's knee. And... it's all just a 3-D
movie, being watched by a girl who is waaaaaay
too young to be watching zombie movies.
The opening credits of Zombies Zombies
Zombies -- or Zombies x3, as I like to call it --
looks suspiciously like the menu animation on
the Shaun of the Dead DVD. Just sayin'.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| George Romero (above) Patron Saint of Zombie Movies and Ice Skating |
So there's a scientist working on a cure for cancer, and he gets hit up for drugs from some Sloppy
Slacker. While the scientist digs around, the Sloppy Slacker ends up swiping an unhealthy
mixture that he mistakes as crack. That can't be good.
From there, Zombies Zombies Zombies -- or Zombies Cubed, as Jason of Invasion of the
B-Movies likes to call it -- we go to the World's Emptiest Strip Club. I'm guessing it's empty
because it's the kind of strip club where the strippers don't actually, you know, take their clothes off.
Slacker. While the scientist digs around, the Sloppy Slacker ends up swiping an unhealthy
mixture that he mistakes as crack. That can't be good.
From there, Zombies Zombies Zombies -- or Zombies Cubed, as Jason of Invasion of the
B-Movies likes to call it -- we go to the World's Emptiest Strip Club. I'm guessing it's empty
because it's the kind of strip club where the strippers don't actually, you know, take their clothes off.
| Sadly, Jessica Barton (above) doesn't show much more skin in Zombies x3 than she does here. |
Does that make me a complete pig? Okay, I can
accept that. But I see it like this: much of the movie is
set in a strip club, and while my Suspension of
Disbelief can easily buy into the walking dead, it can't
work out how a strip club stays in business without
having its strippers actually strip. Either cast ladies
willing to take their kit off early and often, or move the
story to a sorority house.
Just as bizarrely, when the girls go around soliciting
lap dances, every guy in the place declines. It's here
that we meet our standard stripper archtypes: the Star,
the Bitch, the New Girl and the Girl Who Keeps
Changing Her Stripper Name. Jessica Barton, the
Bitch, is a Playboy Playmate and Hollie Winnard, the
New Girl, got her big break by appearing in Maxim
Magazine, so that should tell you everything you need
to know about their performances.
We also learn -- and I never knew this -- that there's a
big rivalry between strippers and prostitutes. Okay,
maybe it's just in this movie. The rivalry is amped up
when the Sloppy Slacker gives one of the prostitutes
some post-coital tainted crack, with zombirific results.
accept that. But I see it like this: much of the movie is
set in a strip club, and while my Suspension of
Disbelief can easily buy into the walking dead, it can't
work out how a strip club stays in business without
having its strippers actually strip. Either cast ladies
willing to take their kit off early and often, or move the
story to a sorority house.
Just as bizarrely, when the girls go around soliciting
lap dances, every guy in the place declines. It's here
that we meet our standard stripper archtypes: the Star,
the Bitch, the New Girl and the Girl Who Keeps
Changing Her Stripper Name. Jessica Barton, the
Bitch, is a Playboy Playmate and Hollie Winnard, the
New Girl, got her big break by appearing in Maxim
Magazine, so that should tell you everything you need
to know about their performances.
We also learn -- and I never knew this -- that there's a
big rivalry between strippers and prostitutes. Okay,
maybe it's just in this movie. The rivalry is amped up
when the Sloppy Slacker gives one of the prostitutes
some post-coital tainted crack, with zombirific results.
Soon, the strippers, their boyfriends, the staff, a handful of prostitutes and their pimp are all holed
up in the strip club. For the most part, they sit around, making heavy-handed quips and watching
people in the parking lot become zombie chow over the security system. Considering that
Zombies Zombies Zombies -- or Zzz, as Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob
calls it -- bills itself as “Strippers vs. Zombies,” this is a bit of a letdown.
up in the strip club. For the most part, they sit around, making heavy-handed quips and watching
people in the parking lot become zombie chow over the security system. Considering that
Zombies Zombies Zombies -- or Zzz, as Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob
calls it -- bills itself as “Strippers vs. Zombies,” this is a bit of a letdown.
Hey, let's talk about that pimp, one Johnny
"Backhand" Vegas, for a minute... He's really, really
annoying. It becomes increasingly obvious over the
course of the film that the pimp is meant to be the
scene-stealer, the comic relief. Giving the comic
relief duties to a pimp is already a hard sell --
extortion and threatening women with violence aren’t
lovable character traits -- and the character isn’t
outlandish enough to make it work. So, as comic
relief? Not so much.
But the pimp isn't the biggest problem with the film.
Neither is the sluggish pacing, the flat line deliveries,
the gags that try to hard... It's that for a premise that
boils down to "zombies vs. strippers," this is a
completely unsatisfying zombie movie.
Looking for a second opinion? Check
out Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews or hear
what we had to say in Episode 10:
Naughty Zombies of the Lair of the
Unwanted.
You can also purchase the film over at
Hell Horror.
"Backhand" Vegas, for a minute... He's really, really
annoying. It becomes increasingly obvious over the
course of the film that the pimp is meant to be the
scene-stealer, the comic relief. Giving the comic
relief duties to a pimp is already a hard sell --
extortion and threatening women with violence aren’t
lovable character traits -- and the character isn’t
outlandish enough to make it work. So, as comic
relief? Not so much.
But the pimp isn't the biggest problem with the film.
Neither is the sluggish pacing, the flat line deliveries,
the gags that try to hard... It's that for a premise that
boils down to "zombies vs. strippers," this is a
completely unsatisfying zombie movie.
Looking for a second opinion? Check
out Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews or hear
what we had to say in Episode 10:
Naughty Zombies of the Lair of the
Unwanted.
You can also purchase the film over at
Hell Horror.
| Padding this review with pictures of the lovely ladies of Zzz? Don't know what you're talking about... |