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ZARKORR! THE INVADER
* * (1996, 80 minutes, Rated PG-13)
As seen on TV!
As I've said time and time again, I'm a sucker for giant monster movies. You'd think the sight of a
rubber lizard suit smashing models of cities might get old after 30+ years, but you'd think wrong.
So when the theme for the B-Movie Meatloaf came round to Full Moon Features, I assessed my
options:
It really was no contest.
At least we don't have to wait long for the monster to make an appearance. "Avalanche!" a local
yokel drawls as a cliff collapses on the model of a small mining town. Out of the mountain comes
* * (1996, 80 minutes, Rated PG-13)
As seen on TV!
As I've said time and time again, I'm a sucker for giant monster movies. You'd think the sight of a
rubber lizard suit smashing models of cities might get old after 30+ years, but you'd think wrong.
So when the theme for the B-Movie Meatloaf came round to Full Moon Features, I assessed my
options:
- Movies about demons
- Movies about murderous toys/puppets
- Movies about demonic toys/puppets
- One of the many Trancers movies
- A cheap looking giant monster movie
It really was no contest.
At least we don't have to wait long for the monster to make an appearance. "Avalanche!" a local
yokel drawls as a cliff collapses on the model of a small mining town. Out of the mountain comes
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Zarkorr!, and for what it's worth, they did a pretty good job
with the monster. Zarkorr! looks pretty cool and not like
an obvious knock-off of any famously iconic monsters or
his more well-known opponents. Zarkorr! makes short
work of the two buildings in the town and then stands
back to admire his work.
Eighty minutes later in Newark (or at least a soon-to-be
model of a city, filling in for Newark), a postal worker
named Tommy is watching cartoons and getting ready for
work -- at 11pm? -- when he is visited by a teeny-tiny lady
in go-go boots. She says that she's being piped directly
with the monster. Zarkorr! looks pretty cool and not like
an obvious knock-off of any famously iconic monsters or
his more well-known opponents. Zarkorr! makes short
work of the two buildings in the town and then stands
back to admire his work.
Eighty minutes later in Newark (or at least a soon-to-be
model of a city, filling in for Newark), a postal worker
named Tommy is watching cartoons and getting ready for
work -- at 11pm? -- when he is visited by a teeny-tiny lady
in go-go boots. She says that she's being piped directly
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| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |
| That's Zarkorr! The Invader, behind the wimpy blue eye beams. |
into Tommy's brain or whatever, like a wee little Dean Stockwell. Oh boy.
Anyway, Little Lady Go-Go is there to drop an exposition bomb: Tommy has been chosen by an
intergalactic counsel to defend the earth from Zarkorr! Not knowing what the hell she's talking
about, Tommy watches a good 10 minutes of "newscasts" featuring the worst acting I've seen in
Anyway, Little Lady Go-Go is there to drop an exposition bomb: Tommy has been chosen by an
intergalactic counsel to defend the earth from Zarkorr! Not knowing what the hell she's talking
about, Tommy watches a good 10 minutes of "newscasts" featuring the worst acting I've seen in
| At this point, Ziggy would have given Zarkorr! The Invader an 85% chance of being pretty lame. |
quite some time.
Why Tommy? Because he's the most average man
on the planet. That, I kinda dug.
Little Lady Go-Go mentions that no earth weapon
can defeat Zarkorr!, but the means to defeat the
monster are available to Tommy. Also, Zarkorr! is
honed in on Tommy and making a bee-line for him.
Go-Go, out!
Okay, so this is different. What would you do if you
and you alone had to defend the earth from a giant
indestructible monster?
Why Tommy? Because he's the most average man
on the planet. That, I kinda dug.
Little Lady Go-Go mentions that no earth weapon
can defeat Zarkorr!, but the means to defeat the
monster are available to Tommy. Also, Zarkorr! is
honed in on Tommy and making a bee-line for him.
Go-Go, out!
Okay, so this is different. What would you do if you
and you alone had to defend the earth from a giant
indestructible monster?
Well, if you're Tommy, you head down to the local news station and tries to enlist the help of the
hottie crypto-zoologist that was on TV. Of course, Tommy sounds eight kinds of crazy, and the
whole thing becomes a hostage situation. Unfortunately, the audience is taken hostage, too, cuz
this little drama takes up an absurd amount of the movie.
It's totally stupid and kills any momentum the film had. Worse, the entire incident consists of
various people yelling at each other, and I swear, it's like none of the people in this movie had
every been in an argument before. The low point comes when the cops show up to evacuate the
station and the news director fights them on it because the giant monster is such a huge story...
overlooking the fact that a hostage situation at a news station is also a huge story.
hottie crypto-zoologist that was on TV. Of course, Tommy sounds eight kinds of crazy, and the
whole thing becomes a hostage situation. Unfortunately, the audience is taken hostage, too, cuz
this little drama takes up an absurd amount of the movie.
It's totally stupid and kills any momentum the film had. Worse, the entire incident consists of
various people yelling at each other, and I swear, it's like none of the people in this movie had
every been in an argument before. The low point comes when the cops show up to evacuate the
station and the news director fights them on it because the giant monster is such a huge story...
overlooking the fact that a hostage situation at a news station is also a huge story.
| (Above) Yet another postal worker on the verge of a rampage. |
Also, everyone assumes that Tommy has "gone postal" because
he's a postal worker. These are the jokes, people.
Every so often, the hostage melodrama is broken up with quick
scenes of Zarkorr! shooting lame eye beams at factories. That's
nice.
Finally our long hostage nightmare ends, and Tommy, the hottie
crypto-zoologist and their new cop friend head off to figure out what
to do. And that's when we meet the Most Annoying Character in
the movie, a "wacky" computer genius who is like every eccentric
genius cliché wrapped up into one character. He's like cliché
concentrate. I can't remember the last time I wanted to dropkick a
fictional character so badly.
Once our heroes have a semblance of a plan in place, the film
charges on through to its predictable conclusion. It all ends with
the kind of final scene that makes it perfectly obvious that the
he's a postal worker. These are the jokes, people.
Every so often, the hostage melodrama is broken up with quick
scenes of Zarkorr! shooting lame eye beams at factories. That's
nice.
Finally our long hostage nightmare ends, and Tommy, the hottie
crypto-zoologist and their new cop friend head off to figure out what
to do. And that's when we meet the Most Annoying Character in
the movie, a "wacky" computer genius who is like every eccentric
genius cliché wrapped up into one character. He's like cliché
concentrate. I can't remember the last time I wanted to dropkick a
fictional character so badly.
Once our heroes have a semblance of a plan in place, the film
charges on through to its predictable conclusion. It all ends with
the kind of final scene that makes it perfectly obvious that the
filmmakers didn't know how to end the movie. The incredibly lame theme song playing over end
credits almost makes it all worth it.
Almost.
credits almost makes it all worth it.
Almost.
This review is Nolahn's entry into Strictly Splatter's B-Movie Meatloaf, where like-minded
reviewers take on a common theme every other month.
If you enjoyed this review (as if there was any doubt), then check out the other reviews of Full
Moon Features by our fellow Meatloafians:
You can also check out these "second opinions" of Zarkorr! The Invader from our Friends of
The 'Bin:
BADMOVIES.ORG
COLD FUSION VIDEO
HELLHORROR.COM
reviewers take on a common theme every other month.
If you enjoyed this review (as if there was any doubt), then check out the other reviews of Full
Moon Features by our fellow Meatloafians:
You can also check out these "second opinions" of Zarkorr! The Invader from our Friends of
The 'Bin:
BADMOVIES.ORG
COLD FUSION VIDEO
HELLHORROR.COM