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WITCHCRAFT VII: JUDGMENT HOUR
* * * (1995, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Won't need a whole hour to judge this movie.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
The other week, I was invited to join the guys at Strictly Splatter on their podcast, Sounds of
Splatter. It was a good time. After the taping, Jorge mentioned how he and Jose had been
working their way through the entire Witchcraft series, a line of horror-turned borderline softcore
b-movies. Check out our Special Side Bar find links to their reviews.
By golly, I thought, those would make for a fine edition to my HEART-ON FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
MONTH of erotic thrillers. Maybe I'd even do a double feature.
I'm choc full of bad ideas.
The film opens with a cheesy swirly effect that gets a loving, extended treatment. Clearly, someone
really enjoyed their Christmas gift.
* * * (1995, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Won't need a whole hour to judge this movie.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
The other week, I was invited to join the guys at Strictly Splatter on their podcast, Sounds of
Splatter. It was a good time. After the taping, Jorge mentioned how he and Jose had been
working their way through the entire Witchcraft series, a line of horror-turned borderline softcore
b-movies. Check out our Special Side Bar find links to their reviews.
By golly, I thought, those would make for a fine edition to my HEART-ON FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
MONTH of erotic thrillers. Maybe I'd even do a double feature.
I'm choc full of bad ideas.
The film opens with a cheesy swirly effect that gets a loving, extended treatment. Clearly, someone
really enjoyed their Christmas gift.
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We then move quickly to a swanky party, where despite the terrible audio and sloppy editing,
some dude in a tux has managed to get some hottie's kit off less than four minutes into the film.
Tux Guy starts incorporating a glass of milk into the action -- it's actually sexier than it sounds --
some dude in a tux has managed to get some hottie's kit off less than four minutes into the film.
Tux Guy starts incorporating a glass of milk into the action -- it's actually sexier than it sounds --
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| Oh yeah... |
when the music gets all macabre and urgent. The hell? After a
few more minutes of milk drizzling and nipple close-ups, we find
out that Tux Guy is a vampire. How much you wanna bet that this
guy has an outrageous European accent? Chomp! A snake
shows up randomly to complete the scene.
At the hospital, ambulance chaser/warlock Will Spanner -- the star
of the Witchcraft series -- is getting up to speed by the hottie's
Roommate of Exposition. In a moment that's all class, the E.R.
docs pull down the hottie's sheet -- exposing her bountiful
toplessness -- in order to jolt her with the defibulators. And make
her implants jingle around, of course.
From this drama, we jump to... a shower scene? Ah, this old
chestnut: Two cops are on a stakeout, where through their
binoculars they have a clear view through the window, through the
few more minutes of milk drizzling and nipple close-ups, we find
out that Tux Guy is a vampire. How much you wanna bet that this
guy has an outrageous European accent? Chomp! A snake
shows up randomly to complete the scene.
At the hospital, ambulance chaser/warlock Will Spanner -- the star
of the Witchcraft series -- is getting up to speed by the hottie's
Roommate of Exposition. In a moment that's all class, the E.R.
docs pull down the hottie's sheet -- exposing her bountiful
toplessness -- in order to jolt her with the defibulators. And make
her implants jingle around, of course.
From this drama, we jump to... a shower scene? Ah, this old
chestnut: Two cops are on a stakeout, where through their
binoculars they have a clear view through the window, through the
hallway and into the bathroom where a lovely lady is showering in the only bathroom in the world
missing a shower curtain or door. Good to see the filmmakers kept plenty of fresh ideas for the
seventh movie.
The only purpose of the scene is to introduce the two cops, recurring characters from the
previous Witchcraft film, but inexplicably cast in different genders. The rest of the scene is
completely irrelevant. No, really -- the stakeout scene is the first of many where nudity is used as
a filler. I'm not really complaining, just pointing out that when filmmakers use nudity to stretch the
film to 90 minutes, the film starts to reek of desperation.
Sadly, the reek of desperation is not the biggest problem with the film. The biggest problem is
that the film is an idiotic, unimaginative movie filled with idiotic, unimaginative characters.
Perfect example: After their peep show stakeout, our two cops head down to the hospital to join
Spanner and the topless vamp chow. The three examine the dead body, which is unblemished
save for the two obvious puncture holes in her neck about two inches apart.
missing a shower curtain or door. Good to see the filmmakers kept plenty of fresh ideas for the
seventh movie.
The only purpose of the scene is to introduce the two cops, recurring characters from the
previous Witchcraft film, but inexplicably cast in different genders. The rest of the scene is
completely irrelevant. No, really -- the stakeout scene is the first of many where nudity is used as
a filler. I'm not really complaining, just pointing out that when filmmakers use nudity to stretch the
film to 90 minutes, the film starts to reek of desperation.
Sadly, the reek of desperation is not the biggest problem with the film. The biggest problem is
that the film is an idiotic, unimaginative movie filled with idiotic, unimaginative characters.
Perfect example: After their peep show stakeout, our two cops head down to the hospital to join
Spanner and the topless vamp chow. The three examine the dead body, which is unblemished
save for the two obvious puncture holes in her neck about two inches apart.
And here comes another idiotic scene: Drained after being out all night chasing after and killing
the naked vampire lady, Spanner comes home to find his girlfriend in full freak-out mode. She,
reasonably, is upset that he was out all night without a word and thinks he's cheating on her.
"Who is she? What's her name?" she demands. I understand omitting the "killing naked vampire
lady" part, but in that situation, wouldn't you tell her you were out investigating a case all night with
the cops? Of course you would. But poor Spanner is as dumb as a post. Instead, he gives the
vampire lady's name, simply says that they met at the hospital, and that he doesn't want to talk
about it. Well, that should put his girlfriend at ease!
Spanner goes out to the cemetery to get some air. He goes to one of the gravestones, and he...
is he going to sneeze? Oh, he's crying. This is the actor's Big Dramatic Moment, and I'm not just
laughing but snickering. I'm such a bastard.
The investigation takes our heroes to very predictable places: There's a Romanian company
jockeying to merge with another company and take control of all the blood banks in the U.S. The
head of the company is our Tux Guy, and yes, he does have an outrageous European accent. He
also gets a goofy "practicing my swordplay" scene ripped right out of "Highlander: The Series."
Not that sword fighting will be used later. Stupid movie.
Speaking of stupid, there's no way I can review this movie and not talk about the utter
incompetence that is the climatic scene. Spoiler box, activate!
the naked vampire lady, Spanner comes home to find his girlfriend in full freak-out mode. She,
reasonably, is upset that he was out all night without a word and thinks he's cheating on her.
"Who is she? What's her name?" she demands. I understand omitting the "killing naked vampire
lady" part, but in that situation, wouldn't you tell her you were out investigating a case all night with
the cops? Of course you would. But poor Spanner is as dumb as a post. Instead, he gives the
vampire lady's name, simply says that they met at the hospital, and that he doesn't want to talk
about it. Well, that should put his girlfriend at ease!
Spanner goes out to the cemetery to get some air. He goes to one of the gravestones, and he...
is he going to sneeze? Oh, he's crying. This is the actor's Big Dramatic Moment, and I'm not just
laughing but snickering. I'm such a bastard.
The investigation takes our heroes to very predictable places: There's a Romanian company
jockeying to merge with another company and take control of all the blood banks in the U.S. The
head of the company is our Tux Guy, and yes, he does have an outrageous European accent. He
also gets a goofy "practicing my swordplay" scene ripped right out of "Highlander: The Series."
Not that sword fighting will be used later. Stupid movie.
Speaking of stupid, there's no way I can review this movie and not talk about the utter
incompetence that is the climatic scene. Spoiler box, activate!
They're completely stumped.
Now, you or I would think, "Oh no! Vampires!" or "This is like something
out of a vampire movie" or even "I don't believe in vampires, but that looks
a lot like a vampire bite." Because you and I are not idiots.
Our protagonists, on the other hand, require 55 minutes of screentime to
make that leap in thinking. Worse: Probably unlike you, they've already
experienced supernatural phenomenon, which should immediately get
them past the whole "vampires aren't real" bit. Even worse: Will Spanner
is a warlock -- they live in a world where warlocks are real. Yet even after
the girls comes back to life and Spanner stabs her in the heart with a tree
branch, they still can't put it together.
Now, you or I would think, "Oh no! Vampires!" or "This is like something
out of a vampire movie" or even "I don't believe in vampires, but that looks
a lot like a vampire bite." Because you and I are not idiots.
Our protagonists, on the other hand, require 55 minutes of screentime to
make that leap in thinking. Worse: Probably unlike you, they've already
experienced supernatural phenomenon, which should immediately get
them past the whole "vampires aren't real" bit. Even worse: Will Spanner
is a warlock -- they live in a world where warlocks are real. Yet even after
the girls comes back to life and Spanner stabs her in the heart with a tree
branch, they still can't put it together.
Jorge from Strictly Splatter loves this movie. I love to hate it. I'd watch it again, but I wouldn't want
to be a country mile within sobriety.
to be a country mile within sobriety.
| In the end, Spanner and Tux Guy are battling it out while the cops slowly secure the building room by room. Helpful. The Tux Guy transforms into a hilarious bat puppet, fight, fight, fight. Spanner stakes the Tux Guy, and the Tux Guy responds by bear-hugging Spanner into the other end of the stake. They both die via wooden stakes to the chest. The cops find them and are like, "Huh." And then the movie wraps up. That's right: The star of a then seven-film series is killed off with a shrug. It's not dramatic, it's not tragic. Spanner's death isn't any kind of noble sacrifice to save the others. There's not even a funeral scene at the end where our remaining heroes are paying their respects. Nothin'. Seriously, there are Nazis in Indiana Jones movies whose deaths had more of an impact in the film than Spanner's death here. Truly pathetic. |
W Jorge and Jose at Strictly Splatter are working their way through the entire run of Witchcraft movies. They truly are hearty fellows -- I have now seen two of the Witchcraft movies, and that's two more than I'd recommend. Given this tremendous feat and the ungodly amount of mental stamina it calls for, I thought the least I could do is give you all links to their reviews: WITCHCRAFT WITCHCRAFT II: THE TEMPTRESS WITCHCRAFT III: THE KISS OF DEATH WITCHCRAFT IV: THE VIRGIN HEART WITCHCRAFT V: DANCE WITH THE DEVIL WITCHCRAFT IV: THE DEVIL'S MISTRESS WITCHCRAFT VII: JUDGMENT HOUR WITCHCRAFT VIII: SALEM'S GHOST WITCHCRAFT IX: BITTER FLESH WITCHCRAFT X: MISTRESS OF THE CRAFT WITCHCRAFT XI: SISTERS IN BLOOD WITCHCRAFT XII: IN THE LAIR OF THE SERPENT WITCHCRAFT 13: BLOOD OF THE CHOSEN |
| IT MUST BE WITCHCRAFT A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
Then, if you're looking for a second opinion, make sure to check out
Strictly Splatter's review in our Special Side Bar.
You could also check out...
DR. GORE'S MOVIE REVIEWS
OBSCURE HORROR
Strictly Splatter's review in our Special Side Bar.
You could also check out...
DR. GORE'S MOVIE REVIEWS
OBSCURE HORROR