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WITCHCRAFT IV: THE VIRGIN HEART
* (1992, 128 minutes, Unrated)
Can you hear me now?
This here is the fourth entry into the 13-film Witchcraft series, a line of horror-turned borderline
softcore b-movies. I can't imagine how these films make enough money to justify another sequel.
Maybe they're selling air time at the start of the film, because here's Lloyd Kaufman from Troma
Films, pimping out his book "Make Your Own Damned Movie" like a man with a large gambling
debt to pay off. Lloyd Kaufman rants and raves, and there's some guy from Publisher's Clearing
House there (I think), and Lloyd Kaufman yammers about how all anyone wants to know is if Julie
Strain is going to get naked. I didn't know there was an option.
* (1992, 128 minutes, Unrated)
Can you hear me now?
This here is the fourth entry into the 13-film Witchcraft series, a line of horror-turned borderline
softcore b-movies. I can't imagine how these films make enough money to justify another sequel.
Maybe they're selling air time at the start of the film, because here's Lloyd Kaufman from Troma
Films, pimping out his book "Make Your Own Damned Movie" like a man with a large gambling
debt to pay off. Lloyd Kaufman rants and raves, and there's some guy from Publisher's Clearing
House there (I think), and Lloyd Kaufman yammers about how all anyone wants to know is if Julie
Strain is going to get naked. I didn't know there was an option.
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Apparently not cuz we go live to Ms. Strain in her bathroom,
naked as they day she was born and getting ready for the
day. Sorry, but watching a naked lady do such everyday
things as put on eyeliner isn't very sexy. Also... how can I
put this delicately? It's clearly not bikini season where Ms.
Strain lives.
Finally, the movie: A couple drives out into the woods on
Valentine's Day. Let's call them Dick and Jane. Dick is
hoping to get a piece of tail, but Jane's not having any of it.
I'm just hoping they get killed off quickly so they can go get
some more acting lessons.
After bickering about the lack of lovin', Dick falls out of a
tree (that's not a joke), and Jane hurries off to the World's
Most Remote Phone Booth to call for help. Instead of
naked as they day she was born and getting ready for the
day. Sorry, but watching a naked lady do such everyday
things as put on eyeliner isn't very sexy. Also... how can I
put this delicately? It's clearly not bikini season where Ms.
Strain lives.
Finally, the movie: A couple drives out into the woods on
Valentine's Day. Let's call them Dick and Jane. Dick is
hoping to get a piece of tail, but Jane's not having any of it.
I'm just hoping they get killed off quickly so they can go get
some more acting lessons.
After bickering about the lack of lovin', Dick falls out of a
tree (that's not a joke), and Jane hurries off to the World's
Most Remote Phone Booth to call for help. Instead of
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| For Julie Strain, clothing is always optional. |
calling 911, Jane calls up some random old lady who tells Jane off. Some dude pulls up, offering
help. Unfortunately for Jane, the dude is smoking and sporting a van dyke, so you know he's evil.
help. Unfortunately for Jane, the dude is smoking and sporting a van dyke, so you know he's evil.
| The van dyke, the official facial hair of evil. |
Sure enough, Jane abducted and has her heart removed.
Now Dick is definitely not going to get with her.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles... Between the cheesy jazz and
the monotone voice over, we know we're in Noir Land. The
voice over belongs to Will Spanner, who is not a private
detective but and insurance lawyer (sexy!) who also happens
to be a warlock (what?). And that's when The Dame walked
in. Turns out her brother is Dick, who's been arrested for the
disappearance of Jane, and The Dame needs Spanner's
help. Spanner demurs. After all, he's just an insurance law--
oh, okay.
Some other stuff happens, but I don't know what because the
sound editor keeps jacking the volume on the music and
ambient sound. As as result, it's nearly impossible to hear
Now Dick is definitely not going to get with her.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles... Between the cheesy jazz and
the monotone voice over, we know we're in Noir Land. The
voice over belongs to Will Spanner, who is not a private
detective but and insurance lawyer (sexy!) who also happens
to be a warlock (what?). And that's when The Dame walked
in. Turns out her brother is Dick, who's been arrested for the
disappearance of Jane, and The Dame needs Spanner's
help. Spanner demurs. After all, he's just an insurance law--
oh, okay.
Some other stuff happens, but I don't know what because the
sound editor keeps jacking the volume on the music and
ambient sound. As as result, it's nearly impossible to hear
the dialogue. Not that the dialogue is the stuff of David Mamet, but still, the sound of walking
through dry grass shouldn't completely drown out what the characters are saying. Sound editor,
you FAIL.
Spanner and The Dame go out to the World's Most Remote Phone Booth and immediately find a
clue. I absolutely love when amateurs quickly find key pieces of evidence at a crime scene that an
entire team of professionally trained police investigators apparently missed.
through dry grass shouldn't completely drown out what the characters are saying. Sound editor,
you FAIL.
Spanner and The Dame go out to the World's Most Remote Phone Booth and immediately find a
clue. I absolutely love when amateurs quickly find key pieces of evidence at a crime scene that an
entire team of professionally trained police investigators apparently missed.
| In case you've been wondering, the World's Most Remote Phone Booth looks like this. |
The clue leads Spanner back to Julie Strain at a strip club, meaning we've had to wait an entire 30
minutes before seeing Ms. Strain naked again. Somehow, the earth did not fall off its axis. So Ms.
Strain is stripping, and you'd think after spending so much on her implants, she'd go the extra
mile and take some strip classes. Hell, Ms. Strain is making Lindsay Lohan's galumphing around
in I Know Who Killed Me look all-pro. At least the 14 people in the club appreciate it.
It takes shockingly little screen time for Ms. Strain's stripper to go from treating Spanner like
something she accidentally stepped in to inviting him up to her place to get it on. There's even a
scene of Spanner and Stain humpin' away in a freight elevator a la Fatal Attraction, which might
have been kinda hot if we could actually see what was going on.
I'll wrap up, because simply writing about this movie is boring me to tears... Turns out that Strain's
manager is a former D.J./demonic entity. Scary! I think the Demon D.J. is responsible for the
killing at the beginning of the film, though it's never explained -- or if it was, I couldn't hear it
because of the damn sound editing.
One thing I wish I didn't hear was the Demon D.J.'s monologing during the climax. The Demon
D.J. is trying to talk Spanner into ditching his humanity and embracing his inner warlock by killing
off The Dame, and in the process, the Demon D.J. starts reciting the "To Be or Not To Be" speech
in Hamlet. Which is not about murder but about suicide.
Nice try, jackass.
minutes before seeing Ms. Strain naked again. Somehow, the earth did not fall off its axis. So Ms.
Strain is stripping, and you'd think after spending so much on her implants, she'd go the extra
mile and take some strip classes. Hell, Ms. Strain is making Lindsay Lohan's galumphing around
in I Know Who Killed Me look all-pro. At least the 14 people in the club appreciate it.
It takes shockingly little screen time for Ms. Strain's stripper to go from treating Spanner like
something she accidentally stepped in to inviting him up to her place to get it on. There's even a
scene of Spanner and Stain humpin' away in a freight elevator a la Fatal Attraction, which might
have been kinda hot if we could actually see what was going on.
I'll wrap up, because simply writing about this movie is boring me to tears... Turns out that Strain's
manager is a former D.J./demonic entity. Scary! I think the Demon D.J. is responsible for the
killing at the beginning of the film, though it's never explained -- or if it was, I couldn't hear it
because of the damn sound editing.
One thing I wish I didn't hear was the Demon D.J.'s monologing during the climax. The Demon
D.J. is trying to talk Spanner into ditching his humanity and embracing his inner warlock by killing
off The Dame, and in the process, the Demon D.J. starts reciting the "To Be or Not To Be" speech
in Hamlet. Which is not about murder but about suicide.
Nice try, jackass.
| Hamlet would have totally offed himself if he was subjected to Witchcraft IV. |
W Jorge and Jose at Strictly Splatter are working their way through the entire run of Witchcraft movies. They truly are hearty fellows -- I have now seen two of the Witchcraft movies, and that's two more than I'd recommend. Given this tremendous feat and the ungodly amount of mental stamina it calls for, I thought the least I could do is give you all links to their reviews: WITCHCRAFT WITCHCRAFT II: THE TEMPTRESS WITCHCRAFT III: THE KISS OF DEATH WITCHCRAFT IV: THE VIRGIN HEART WITCHCRAFT V: DANCE WITH THE DEVIL WITCHCRAFT IV: THE DEVIL'S MISTRESS WITCHCRAFT VII: JUDGMENT HOUR WITCHCRAFT VIII: SALEM'S GHOST WITCHCRAFT IX: BITTER FLESH WITCHCRAFT X: MISTRESS OF THE CRAFT WITCHCRAFT XI: SISTERS IN BLOOD WITCHCRAFT XII: IN THE LAIR OF THE SERPENT WITCHCRAFT 13: BLOOD OF THE CHOSEN |
| IT MUST BE WITCHCRAFT A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
Then, if you're looking for a second opinion,
make sure to check out Strictly Splatter's
review in our Special Side Bar.
You could also check out...
24 HOURS TO MIDNIGHT: THE BLOG!
OBSCURE HORROR
make sure to check out Strictly Splatter's
review in our Special Side Bar.
You could also check out...
24 HOURS TO MIDNIGHT: THE BLOG!
OBSCURE HORROR