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WISEGUYS VS. ZOMBIES
* * * (2003, 110 minutes, Unrated)
Leave the zombies, take the cannolis.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
It occurred to me the other week that mob movies are woefully unrepresented among b-movies,
and particularly on this site. In fact, if you know of a good mobster b-movie, feel free to tell me
about it. Why is that? You'd think they'd be easy and cheap to make: just put a bunch of guys in
suits, give them over-sized attitudes and then film them shooting each other. The stereotyping
alone should qualify every other mafia film as a bad movie. And then I'd have plenty of excuses to
pad my reviews with pictures of Paulie Walnuts.
* * * (2003, 110 minutes, Unrated)
Leave the zombies, take the cannolis.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
It occurred to me the other week that mob movies are woefully unrepresented among b-movies,
and particularly on this site. In fact, if you know of a good mobster b-movie, feel free to tell me
about it. Why is that? You'd think they'd be easy and cheap to make: just put a bunch of guys in
suits, give them over-sized attitudes and then film them shooting each other. The stereotyping
alone should qualify every other mafia film as a bad movie. And then I'd have plenty of excuses to
pad my reviews with pictures of Paulie Walnuts.
 |
So I went hunting for a "good" mob movie to review,
and thought Wiseguys vs. Zombies would be a nice
way to ease into the genre. I mean, c'mon, it has
mobsters AND Zombies (bonus!), it's distributed by
Troma (uh-oh) and is part of a two-pack through
Netflix (double uh-oh).
Buckle up, buttercup: The film kicks off with the
dreaded text screen. Lazy. Four years ago, the U.S.
military "acquired the nations [sic] top scientists of
create a drug capable of regenerating deceased
soldiers." When I can find numerous syntax errors
with the film's opening minute, I know it's going to be
a doozy.
Creatively titled "Project Lazarus," the scientists
and thought Wiseguys vs. Zombies would be a nice
way to ease into the genre. I mean, c'mon, it has
mobsters AND Zombies (bonus!), it's distributed by
Troma (uh-oh) and is part of a two-pack through
Netflix (double uh-oh).
Buckle up, buttercup: The film kicks off with the
dreaded text screen. Lazy. Four years ago, the U.S.
military "acquired the nations [sic] top scientists of
create a drug capable of regenerating deceased
soldiers." When I can find numerous syntax errors
with the film's opening minute, I know it's going to be
a doozy.
Creatively titled "Project Lazarus," the scientists
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| Paulie Walnuts: The Official Wiseguy of the Bargain Bin Review |
succeed in animating the dead but deemed the project a failure. I can't imagine why.
Oh, I don't have to. More text: Apparently, the zombies were "incapable of following any
commands" and were only interested in "causing carnage" and eating people. It's a comedy!
Oh, I don't have to. More text: Apparently, the zombies were "incapable of following any
commands" and were only interested in "causing carnage" and eating people. It's a comedy!
| Zombies: Good at eating brains, crap at taking orders. |
More text? Seriously? Ugh: The government went into
cover-up mode, but lost one of the containers. Finally,
we get some action in the form of an Army Humvee
driving around a desolate landscape. Despite lasting
a number of minutes, this footage has literally no
relevance to the film.
On the back patio of your local McDonalds, the Saddest
Heavy Ever shakes down a junkie soldier for the
money he owes. Seriously, the wiseguy spends the
entire scene waving his piece around like he just found
one of Willie Wonka's Golden Tickets, and I half
cover-up mode, but lost one of the containers. Finally,
we get some action in the form of an Army Humvee
driving around a desolate landscape. Despite lasting
a number of minutes, this footage has literally no
relevance to the film.
On the back patio of your local McDonalds, the Saddest
Heavy Ever shakes down a junkie soldier for the
money he owes. Seriously, the wiseguy spends the
entire scene waving his piece around like he just found
one of Willie Wonka's Golden Tickets, and I half
expected the soldier to slap the gun out of his hand. No such luck. Instead, he pays him off with a
container of "drugs." Hint-hint.
The next stretch might be the stupidest 30 minutes of film I've watched in a long time. It boils
down to this: Concerned that his shipment is two days late, Miami-based Drug Lord calls in a favor
with New York Mob Boss to 1) ice the delinquent delivery men and 2) deliver the drugs and bodies.
Unfortunately, we learn this through a series of scenes where people talk to themselves, have
repetitive phone conversations, get ready to leave the house, etc. In fact, the entire film is filled
with odd cut-away shots: to signs, ceilings and other inanimate objects. My guess is that the
filmmakers were trying hard to be like Quentin Tarantino, and failing even harder.
Here are our Wiseguys: FREDDY SIX TIMES is an old school, die-hard Catholic Mafia type who
looks like the younger brother of “Law & Order: SVU”’s Richard Belzer. He‘s the quiet type, which
makes him infinitely cooler than… AUGUST MIRABELLA is from the "Sopranos" mold of
mobsters. More specifically, it's like this guy came fresh off the set of "Jersey Shore." He talks and
talks and talks, and is so annoying that it's hard for me to believe he made it this far in the life
without somebody killing him. He's played by Adam Ninarovich, who wrote and directed the film,
so of course he's the hero of the story.
Our dynamic duo goes on the hunt for the drugs, and we're along for every painstaking
shakedown. It takes a small eternity, but they finally find the drugs, ice the drug runners, load up
the trunk of their Jaguar and head down to Miami. Gus talks for five hours straight, and Freddy
refrains from shooting him.
container of "drugs." Hint-hint.
The next stretch might be the stupidest 30 minutes of film I've watched in a long time. It boils
down to this: Concerned that his shipment is two days late, Miami-based Drug Lord calls in a favor
with New York Mob Boss to 1) ice the delinquent delivery men and 2) deliver the drugs and bodies.
Unfortunately, we learn this through a series of scenes where people talk to themselves, have
repetitive phone conversations, get ready to leave the house, etc. In fact, the entire film is filled
with odd cut-away shots: to signs, ceilings and other inanimate objects. My guess is that the
filmmakers were trying hard to be like Quentin Tarantino, and failing even harder.
Here are our Wiseguys: FREDDY SIX TIMES is an old school, die-hard Catholic Mafia type who
looks like the younger brother of “Law & Order: SVU”’s Richard Belzer. He‘s the quiet type, which
makes him infinitely cooler than… AUGUST MIRABELLA is from the "Sopranos" mold of
mobsters. More specifically, it's like this guy came fresh off the set of "Jersey Shore." He talks and
talks and talks, and is so annoying that it's hard for me to believe he made it this far in the life
without somebody killing him. He's played by Adam Ninarovich, who wrote and directed the film,
so of course he's the hero of the story.
Our dynamic duo goes on the hunt for the drugs, and we're along for every painstaking
shakedown. It takes a small eternity, but they finally find the drugs, ice the drug runners, load up
the trunk of their Jaguar and head down to Miami. Gus talks for five hours straight, and Freddy
refrains from shooting him.
| Paulie Walnuts totally would have punched Gus in the nuts. |
At a gas station in Bopunk, South Carolina, Gus has a
hissy fit when the attendant tries to pump the gas for him --
apparently Gus hasn't spent anywhere near as much time
in Jersey as I thought. Brainiac Gus draws exactly the kind
of attention two wiseguys in a Jaguar filled with drugs and
corpses want to avoid, and the car gets impounded. When
the wiseguys can finally pick up the car, the local law hears
banging in the trunk and finds... ZOMBIES!
Let’s talk about these zombies... they are, in a word,
HILARIOUS. The zombie acting – and after seeing this
movie, I now consider it acting – is jaw-droppingly bad. The
gang from Shaun of the Dead is like the De Niros of
zombiedom compared to this lot. I an only imagine that the
hissy fit when the attendant tries to pump the gas for him --
apparently Gus hasn't spent anywhere near as much time
in Jersey as I thought. Brainiac Gus draws exactly the kind
of attention two wiseguys in a Jaguar filled with drugs and
corpses want to avoid, and the car gets impounded. When
the wiseguys can finally pick up the car, the local law hears
banging in the trunk and finds... ZOMBIES!
Let’s talk about these zombies... they are, in a word,
HILARIOUS. The zombie acting – and after seeing this
movie, I now consider it acting – is jaw-droppingly bad. The
gang from Shaun of the Dead is like the De Niros of
zombiedom compared to this lot. I an only imagine that the
direction was simply to “walk about like you have an itch on your back.”
But the icing on the cake is the awesomely bad effects. And I don’t just mean the squirting of red
punch to simulate bleeding or the way a zombie will pull a red hankie out of a victim’s neck to
simulate being eaten – though both happen frequently. I mean that many of the zombies look like
members of the Insane Clown Posse.
But the icing on the cake is the awesomely bad effects. And I don’t just mean the squirting of red
punch to simulate bleeding or the way a zombie will pull a red hankie out of a victim’s neck to
simulate being eaten – though both happen frequently. I mean that many of the zombies look like
members of the Insane Clown Posse.
| Like this, but even stupider. |
For the rest of the movie, the zombies shuffle
around Bopunk and feed on the occasional
redneck. In most cases, the victims don’t realize
that there’s anything the least bit wrong with the
zombies until they’re being eaten. And in most
cases, being turned into a zombie is something
of an improvement.
In the meantime, our wiseguys team up with
Some Girl whose purpose for being in this film
is still a mystery to me and arm up at the local
around Bopunk and feed on the occasional
redneck. In most cases, the victims don’t realize
that there’s anything the least bit wrong with the
zombies until they’re being eaten. And in most
cases, being turned into a zombie is something
of an improvement.
In the meantime, our wiseguys team up with
Some Girl whose purpose for being in this film
is still a mystery to me and arm up at the local
“Jewelry, Guns & Tools” shop for the inevitable battle. The wiseguys’ master plan? Wander
around in the woods, get separated and unleash a string of fairly creative profanity while shooting
zombies. Perhaps they did have a proper plan but I think it goes without saying that a movie this
cheap has bad audio, making whole sections of the film unintelligible. Eh, even more
unintelligible.
The climax of the film arrives when the zombie sheriff and zombie gas attendant forego their want
of human flesh and instead fight Gus in a backyard wrestling-style brawl. My God, how long I’ve
waited to write a sentence like that.
I haven’t even talked about the farting zombies. Yes, this film really is something special, though I
can’t recommend it to a bad movie novice – there’s too much pain mixed in with this pleasure.
around in the woods, get separated and unleash a string of fairly creative profanity while shooting
zombies. Perhaps they did have a proper plan but I think it goes without saying that a movie this
cheap has bad audio, making whole sections of the film unintelligible. Eh, even more
unintelligible.
The climax of the film arrives when the zombie sheriff and zombie gas attendant forego their want
of human flesh and instead fight Gus in a backyard wrestling-style brawl. My God, how long I’ve
waited to write a sentence like that.
I haven’t even talked about the farting zombies. Yes, this film really is something special, though I
can’t recommend it to a bad movie novice – there’s too much pain mixed in with this pleasure.
| Paulie Walnuts gives this movie three "OHHHH!"s. |
Think Nolahn was being unfair to
this movie? Looking for a second
opinion? Then may we
recommend...
BADMOVIES.ORG
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES
HELL HORROR
Then swing by our blog, the
Bloggin' Bin Revue, for a Wiseguys
vs. Zombies installment of "Bad
Movies, Good Eats."
this movie? Looking for a second
opinion? Then may we
recommend...
BADMOVIES.ORG
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES
HELL HORROR
Then swing by our blog, the
Bloggin' Bin Revue, for a Wiseguys
vs. Zombies installment of "Bad
Movies, Good Eats."
| IF YOU DIG THIS REVIEW, HERE ARE SOME OTHER REVIEWS OF ZOMBIE MOVIES TO CHECK OUT... |
