VAMPIYAZ
* * * * (2004, 83 minutes, Rated R)
Suck it, beeotches!!
See what I did there? "Suck"? Vampire movie? That's why I'm the one with the movie review
site.
The ultimate goal of the site is to find the best and most enjoyable bad movies in existence...
maybe even band them together in some kind of Hall of Poetic Justice. The gold standard of
such films, of course, is Deathstalker II, but should that masterpiece not be available, I now have
another film I'd happily recommend. I present to you Vampiyaz.
Here are my unedited notes from the opening ten minutes of the film: Open on skyscraper at
night, cheap Chyron of the movie title -- not good sign... 'Fuck' used repeatedly in 2nd line of
dialogue -- also not good sign... 2 guys practise opening safe, another guy wearing giant tinfoil?
cross -- are they connected?... more NYC stock footage... was this shot in my garage?... g'bye,
Tinfoil Cross Guy...if burglars enter through unlocked front door, is it still B&E?...OMG, he's in a
pink baby outfit... jiggily camera = panic
Jakeem and Khalil are the burglars, and the job goes sour cuz Khalil is a gun-happy nitwit.
Long story short, Khalil screws over Jakeem, Jakeem gets thrown into "jail" (played here by
some abandoned structure in a state park) while Khalil gets attacked by a vampire.
Fast-forward eight years to Jakeem getting out of jail (Don't let the new tattoos and tuff facial hair
fool you ladies! Jakeem is still a softie! He just wants that prostitute to hold him!). An old contact,
Ray, makes Jakeem an offer he can't refuse: get revenge on Khalil and get paid doing it. Of
course, it's a trap -- Ray and VampKhalil beat the snot out of Jakeem and string him up, leading
to one of the better lines in the movie:
"So, you two clowns are vampires, huh?"
The line is bested just a minute later, when VampKhalil describes Ray as a "ghetto fabulous
version of Renfield." Hee! Blacula would be proud.
So, the reason why Khalil doesn't just kill Jakeem is that he wants Jakeem to steal him an
amulet (really). This leads to the most asinine caper ever, featuring Jakeem listening to the
tumblers while literally in the middle of a gunfight. There's plenty more running around, all
building up to a climatic battle between the forces of good and evil, all taking place in
someone's condo.
So what sets this movie apart? It's not just the bad acting or the corny dialogue or the pitifully
choreographed fight scenes, or even the clumsy camera work or confusing editing... though all
of those things are true. It's the comical, hilariously bad special effects.
One scene features a character "eating" a rubber hand. Little CGI explosions were added to the
ends of guns during shootouts. That old school punching sound effect, used so often in
westerns, is used here. And the blood? I kid you not, it's like no one realized that they'd need
fake blood for a vampire movie until a week into production. I don't know exactly what was used,
but my best guess is fruit punch. Yes, it's that bad.
So clearly, this film is a thing to behold. The only thing that could have made it an instant
classic? Gratuitous nudity. Oh well, you can't have it all.
* * * * (2004, 83 minutes, Rated R)
Suck it, beeotches!!
See what I did there? "Suck"? Vampire movie? That's why I'm the one with the movie review
site.
The ultimate goal of the site is to find the best and most enjoyable bad movies in existence...
maybe even band them together in some kind of Hall of Poetic Justice. The gold standard of
such films, of course, is Deathstalker II, but should that masterpiece not be available, I now have
another film I'd happily recommend. I present to you Vampiyaz.
Here are my unedited notes from the opening ten minutes of the film: Open on skyscraper at
night, cheap Chyron of the movie title -- not good sign... 'Fuck' used repeatedly in 2nd line of
dialogue -- also not good sign... 2 guys practise opening safe, another guy wearing giant tinfoil?
cross -- are they connected?... more NYC stock footage... was this shot in my garage?... g'bye,
Tinfoil Cross Guy...if burglars enter through unlocked front door, is it still B&E?...OMG, he's in a
pink baby outfit... jiggily camera = panic
Jakeem and Khalil are the burglars, and the job goes sour cuz Khalil is a gun-happy nitwit.
Long story short, Khalil screws over Jakeem, Jakeem gets thrown into "jail" (played here by
some abandoned structure in a state park) while Khalil gets attacked by a vampire.
Fast-forward eight years to Jakeem getting out of jail (Don't let the new tattoos and tuff facial hair
fool you ladies! Jakeem is still a softie! He just wants that prostitute to hold him!). An old contact,
Ray, makes Jakeem an offer he can't refuse: get revenge on Khalil and get paid doing it. Of
course, it's a trap -- Ray and VampKhalil beat the snot out of Jakeem and string him up, leading
to one of the better lines in the movie:
"So, you two clowns are vampires, huh?"
The line is bested just a minute later, when VampKhalil describes Ray as a "ghetto fabulous
version of Renfield." Hee! Blacula would be proud.
So, the reason why Khalil doesn't just kill Jakeem is that he wants Jakeem to steal him an
amulet (really). This leads to the most asinine caper ever, featuring Jakeem listening to the
tumblers while literally in the middle of a gunfight. There's plenty more running around, all
building up to a climatic battle between the forces of good and evil, all taking place in
someone's condo.
So what sets this movie apart? It's not just the bad acting or the corny dialogue or the pitifully
choreographed fight scenes, or even the clumsy camera work or confusing editing... though all
of those things are true. It's the comical, hilariously bad special effects.
One scene features a character "eating" a rubber hand. Little CGI explosions were added to the
ends of guns during shootouts. That old school punching sound effect, used so often in
westerns, is used here. And the blood? I kid you not, it's like no one realized that they'd need
fake blood for a vampire movie until a week into production. I don't know exactly what was used,
but my best guess is fruit punch. Yes, it's that bad.
So clearly, this film is a thing to behold. The only thing that could have made it an instant
classic? Gratuitous nudity. Oh well, you can't have it all.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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