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VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES
Zero asterisks (2004, 83 minutes, Rated R)
The only loser in this battle is the audience.
I had such high hopes, even though the concept of vampires and zombies fighting doesn't make a
lot of sense. Both are members of the living dead, and vampires drink blood while zombies eat
brains. You'd think they'd want to work together and get a nice reciprocal relationship going, no?
Or perhaps this would be The Asylum's allegory of The Troubles.
I wish.
The film opens with a guy and his "teenage" daughter driving down the road in "Idaho." The girl
has been having recurring nightmares about a vampire -- we know it's a vampire because she's
dressed vaguely goth-like and trying hard to be sexy.
Zero asterisks (2004, 83 minutes, Rated R)
The only loser in this battle is the audience.
I had such high hopes, even though the concept of vampires and zombies fighting doesn't make a
lot of sense. Both are members of the living dead, and vampires drink blood while zombies eat
brains. You'd think they'd want to work together and get a nice reciprocal relationship going, no?
Or perhaps this would be The Asylum's allegory of The Troubles.
I wish.
The film opens with a guy and his "teenage" daughter driving down the road in "Idaho." The girl
has been having recurring nightmares about a vampire -- we know it's a vampire because she's
dressed vaguely goth-like and trying hard to be sexy.
By the way, what's the deal with all the "sexy" vampires? I
never understood it, because no matter how you dice it, a
vampire is a walking corpse that feeds on blood. That's not
sexy. That's a disturbing combination of necrophilia and
cannibalism.
Anyway, we suddenly see a guy standing in the middle of
the road up ahead, wearing what appears to be the world's
worst black face. That appears to be reason enough for
Dad to run him over. Cue the goth rock.
From this point -- being the end of the opening credits -- the
rest of the film is incomprehensible.
I'll try: Some GothMom pulls over Dad and Daughter and
somehow talks them into taking her daughter, Camilla,
with them. They go to a gas station, where the Daughter
flirts with some goth chick named Bob. Camilla turns out
to be a vampire, though hanging out in the daytime doesn't
phase her. Dad is travelling to meet up with "The General,"
who has kidnapped some girl who isn't the girl he thought
it was but turns out to be a vampire as well. At one point,
never understood it, because no matter how you dice it, a
vampire is a walking corpse that feeds on blood. That's not
sexy. That's a disturbing combination of necrophilia and
cannibalism.
Anyway, we suddenly see a guy standing in the middle of
the road up ahead, wearing what appears to be the world's
worst black face. That appears to be reason enough for
Dad to run him over. Cue the goth rock.
From this point -- being the end of the opening credits -- the
rest of the film is incomprehensible.
I'll try: Some GothMom pulls over Dad and Daughter and
somehow talks them into taking her daughter, Camilla,
with them. They go to a gas station, where the Daughter
flirts with some goth chick named Bob. Camilla turns out
to be a vampire, though hanging out in the daytime doesn't
phase her. Dad is travelling to meet up with "The General,"
who has kidnapped some girl who isn't the girl he thought
it was but turns out to be a vampire as well. At one point,
| So hot right now. |
The General meets up with GothMom, who somehow makes her car disappear. GothMom also
appears later as a traffic cop... Or maybe it's just the same actress playing a different role? It's
weird and none of the other characters notice or mention it. A few more zombies get run over by
cars. And that's all before the scene 45 minutes in that is either an extended flashback or a dream
sequence. Either way, it only succeeds in making the story even more confusing.
This movie made my head hurt. The main characters make decisions solely for the purpose of
meeting the needs of the plot (as opposed to logic or common sense), yet from start to finish, the
plot doesn't make a lick of sense.
If you're really on the ball today, you'll notice that something is missing.
Look: I've seen enough of these films now to expect very little from them. I don't expect the movie to
be good in any conventional way. I don't expect competent acting, a clever story or good production
values. And when I do encounter those things, it's a bonus.
Know what I do expect?
appears later as a traffic cop... Or maybe it's just the same actress playing a different role? It's
weird and none of the other characters notice or mention it. A few more zombies get run over by
cars. And that's all before the scene 45 minutes in that is either an extended flashback or a dream
sequence. Either way, it only succeeds in making the story even more confusing.
This movie made my head hurt. The main characters make decisions solely for the purpose of
meeting the needs of the plot (as opposed to logic or common sense), yet from start to finish, the
plot doesn't make a lick of sense.
If you're really on the ball today, you'll notice that something is missing.
Look: I've seen enough of these films now to expect very little from them. I don't expect the movie to
be good in any conventional way. I don't expect competent acting, a clever story or good production
values. And when I do encounter those things, it's a bonus.
Know what I do expect?
| THAT A MOVIE TITLED VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES ACTUALLY HAVE A SCENE OF VAMPIRES FIGHTING ZOMBIES!! |
WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT! THE! HELL!! I sat through 83 minutes of that crap
thinking to myself, "Well, at least I'll get to see some vampires fighting zombies."
thinking to myself, "Well, at least I'll get to see some vampires fighting zombies."
| NO!!! |
I don't think I've ever been so angry in my entire life. I was mad enough to punch a nun. If I had a
gun, I would have shoot my television, Elvis-style.
I was beyond irate, beyond outraged, beyond furious. I was so angry that my muscles froze up into
a form of rigor mortis, leaving me a quivering mass of apoplectic ire. I was Milk & Cheese mad.
gun, I would have shoot my television, Elvis-style.
I was beyond irate, beyond outraged, beyond furious. I was so angry that my muscles froze up into
a form of rigor mortis, leaving me a quivering mass of apoplectic ire. I was Milk & Cheese mad.
| Here are Milk & Cheese ("Dairy Products Gone Bad") doing what they do best. Milk & Cheese is the creation of Evan Dorkin, an Eisner Award-winning comic book artist and writer. You'd be much better off spending 83 minutes of your life reading Milk & Cheese than watching Vampires vs. Zombies. |
If you're in the mood for an enjoyably bad vampire
or zombie movie, you're much better off with one of
the following:
or zombie movie, you're much better off with one of
the following:
