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TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL
* * (2001, 96 minutes, Rated R)
It ain’t heavy, it’s just predictable.
I’m getting a two-for-one with this review: Not only was this film a Reader Recommendation from
you, the fans, but it’s also my entry into the Direct-to-Video Sequel Experiment in the B-Movie
Meatloaf. I’m a multi-tasker!
Anyway, Turbulence 3 seemed like a thoroughly appropriate film for the B-Movie Meatloaf. Some of
you might remember Turbulence as that pretty good late-’90s thriller with Ray Liotta and
whatserface from Dumb and Dumber who was married to Jim Carrey for a while.
Those same people are now thinking, “There was a Turbulence 2?”
* * (2001, 96 minutes, Rated R)
It ain’t heavy, it’s just predictable.
I’m getting a two-for-one with this review: Not only was this film a Reader Recommendation from
you, the fans, but it’s also my entry into the Direct-to-Video Sequel Experiment in the B-Movie
Meatloaf. I’m a multi-tasker!
Anyway, Turbulence 3 seemed like a thoroughly appropriate film for the B-Movie Meatloaf. Some of
you might remember Turbulence as that pretty good late-’90s thriller with Ray Liotta and
whatserface from Dumb and Dumber who was married to Jim Carrey for a while.
Those same people are now thinking, “There was a Turbulence 2?”
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You’ll be tickled to know that the first half of Turbulence 3 wants you to know exactly what time it is
in just about any given scene. We open with a heap of people protesting at LAX as exactly 2:13pm
PT. They’re apparently really, really mad that death rocker Craven Slade is going to be departing
from LAX, performing his farewell concert on a 747. The concert is only for super-fans and will be
streaming live on The Internet! Yay?
Oh, if you take one look at when this movie was made, then you don’t need me to tell you that Mr.
Craven Slade desperately wants to be Marilyn Manson.
in just about any given scene. We open with a heap of people protesting at LAX as exactly 2:13pm
PT. They’re apparently really, really mad that death rocker Craven Slade is going to be departing
from LAX, performing his farewell concert on a 747. The concert is only for super-fans and will be
streaming live on The Internet! Yay?
Oh, if you take one look at when this movie was made, then you don’t need me to tell you that Mr.
Craven Slade desperately wants to be Marilyn Manson.
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| Apparently so. |
| Marilyn Manson (above), seeing "Craven Slade" in Turbulence 3. |
We do get a fluff piece (at precisely 5:15pm ET) showing
off the big fancy 747 and establishing that there are a
million-zillion video cams on board to capture the entire
experience. This actually would have been an excellent
way to give the film’s audience they lay of the land on the
plane, where a significant portion of the film will take
place. Consider it a missed opportunity.
We’re into the pre-flight, so it’s time to meet your pilots!
They’re get-- holy crap it’s Rutger Hauer!! Mr. Hauer will
be our co-pilot, and he describes his experience thusly:
“The last couple of years, I got 1200 hours [flying a 747]
under my belt. Before that, I flew choppers in the
military.” Of course, you did… you’re frickin’ Rutger
Hauer.
off the big fancy 747 and establishing that there are a
million-zillion video cams on board to capture the entire
experience. This actually would have been an excellent
way to give the film’s audience they lay of the land on the
plane, where a significant portion of the film will take
place. Consider it a missed opportunity.
We’re into the pre-flight, so it’s time to meet your pilots!
They’re get-- holy crap it’s Rutger Hauer!! Mr. Hauer will
be our co-pilot, and he describes his experience thusly:
“The last couple of years, I got 1200 hours [flying a 747]
under my belt. Before that, I flew choppers in the
military.” Of course, you did… you’re frickin’ Rutger
Hauer.
At exactly 5:32pm ET, we meet the Feds. Hey look, it’s Joe Mantegna! And a skeletal Gabrielle
Anwar! (Here’s a fashion tip for you: If you’re already very thin, don’t pull your hair back so tightly
Anwar! (Here’s a fashion tip for you: If you’re already very thin, don’t pull your hair back so tightly
| Gabrielle Anwar (above), prior to losing weight to appear in Turbulence 3. |
that it causes the skin on your face to stretch across your skull.)
And her bland partner, who seems to have stolen Keifer
Sutherland’s voice! Ms. Anwar is using her magical computer to
instantly pinpoint the location of a notorious hacker, but Joey-M
won’t let her bust him. “Your shift’s over, Kate!” he Mantegnas. If
only the audience were so lucky.
Ms. Anwar is having none of that, so she poses as the World’s
Most Unlikely Pizza Deliveryperson to gain access to the hacker’
s apartment. And it’s worse than you can imagine: not only is
this hacker guilty of all sorts of cyber crimes, he’s also
apparently raided Richard Grieco’s wardrobe.
Finally -- finally! -- the plane takes off, and all the death rock lovin’
superfans immediately thumb their noses at the most basic air
safety laws to get the party started. We’re subjected to the
entirety of Slade Craven’s “Gun Love,” and like all such metal
performances in movies, this one is trying way too hard.
And her bland partner, who seems to have stolen Keifer
Sutherland’s voice! Ms. Anwar is using her magical computer to
instantly pinpoint the location of a notorious hacker, but Joey-M
won’t let her bust him. “Your shift’s over, Kate!” he Mantegnas. If
only the audience were so lucky.
Ms. Anwar is having none of that, so she poses as the World’s
Most Unlikely Pizza Deliveryperson to gain access to the hacker’
s apartment. And it’s worse than you can imagine: not only is
this hacker guilty of all sorts of cyber crimes, he’s also
apparently raided Richard Grieco’s wardrobe.
Finally -- finally! -- the plane takes off, and all the death rock lovin’
superfans immediately thumb their noses at the most basic air
safety laws to get the party started. We’re subjected to the
entirety of Slade Craven’s “Gun Love,” and like all such metal
performances in movies, this one is trying way too hard.
Back on the ground, the hacker has hacked into the plane‘s camera system, and just as he’s
getting busted by Ms. Anwar, he notices what appears to be an unstaged murder on one of the
million-zillion feeds. And when they see Slade go off script and shoot the pilot dead (way to ruin
the concert, Slade), it’s up to our Cop ’n Robber to team up and dispense some e-justice.
We eventually learn that the Insidious Plot involves imposters, a random assault on the control
tower in San Diego -- take that, San Diego! -- and a satanic cult. We also learn that one of the
levels of Hell is located in Kansas (“What’s the Matter with Kansas” indeed) and that computer
hacking solves everything.
In short:
getting busted by Ms. Anwar, he notices what appears to be an unstaged murder on one of the
million-zillion feeds. And when they see Slade go off script and shoot the pilot dead (way to ruin
the concert, Slade), it’s up to our Cop ’n Robber to team up and dispense some e-justice.
We eventually learn that the Insidious Plot involves imposters, a random assault on the control
tower in San Diego -- take that, San Diego! -- and a satanic cult. We also learn that one of the
levels of Hell is located in Kansas (“What’s the Matter with Kansas” indeed) and that computer
hacking solves everything.
In short:
+
=
And it’s fine, I guess. The film looks very slick, for what it’s worth. Sadly, there is nary a surprise in
the entire film. I know I spent much of the movie counting the minutes until we find out that Rutger
Hauer’s character is evil (*cough*Chapter19*cough). Hell, they even work that old “You’ll have to
fly the plane manually!” chestnut in there, just for good measure.
Sticking to a formula is one thing, but having your audience be able predict what will happen from
scene to scene is something else.
the entire film. I know I spent much of the movie counting the minutes until we find out that Rutger
Hauer’s character is evil (*cough*Chapter19*cough). Hell, they even work that old “You’ll have to
fly the plane manually!” chestnut in there, just for good measure.
Sticking to a formula is one thing, but having your audience be able predict what will happen from
scene to scene is something else.
This review is the Bargain Bin Review's official entry into the B-Movie
Meatloaf.
If you'd like to read more about Turbulence 3, then check out what our
friends over at 24 HOURS TO MIDNIGHT: THE BLOG! had to say.
If you're looking for more unnecessary and unwanted sequels, then check
out this list over at THE AV CLUB.
Meatloaf.
If you'd like to read more about Turbulence 3, then check out what our
friends over at 24 HOURS TO MIDNIGHT: THE BLOG! had to say.
If you're looking for more unnecessary and unwanted sequels, then check
out this list over at THE AV CLUB.
| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |