BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
TROLL 2
* * * * (1990, 95 minutes, Rated PG-13)
The best dysfunctional family/road trip/horror movie the beef industry has ever made.
I'm going to let you in a little secret: There's only a few things you NEED to do to raise kids (hey,
if you can't get parenting advice from a web site that reviews bad movies, where can you get
it?). TV or no TV? Sugary snacks or healthy foods only? Doesn't matter. So long as you're
consistent -- when you say "no," that must mean "no" -- and have some kind of routine, you'll be
in good shape. Of course, you'll also want to actually spend time with the little ones: playing,
coloring, reading, etc. I'm a big believer in reading to kids, been doing it since the little Nolahns
were just hours old. Not only do you get to bond, but you also start developing their imagination
and story-telling abilities.
The grandfather in Troll 2 is also a big believer is reading stories to children. Unfortunately, he
uses his stories to scare the shit out of little Josh. The movie opens with Grandpa thoroughly
inappropriate story of how Peter and his stupid pointy hat was terrorized by "haughty creatures,
spiteful and impudent"... "the little people of the night." When Josh, on the verge of wetting
himself, asks Grandpa if there are such things as goblins (yes, goblins -- the word "troll" is never
used in Troll 2), he says YES.
In a twist worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, we quickly find out that Grandpa isn't really
there! (Or is he! You be the judge!) It comes to light that Grandpa passed away in a wonderful
bit of clunky exposition, courtesy of Josh's perpetually alarmed-looking mother:
"Grandpa Seth has been gone for more than six months now. You were at the funeral and
I know it was very difficult for you. It was also very difficult for your father and for
Holly and for me, his daughter."
Yes, a major highlight of this gem is the incredibly clunky dialogue. Here's another chestnut
from mom:
"Grandpa Seth will remain in all our hearts, but you must banish him from your mind."
My own grandfather passed away recently. Something tells me that if I tried to pass this advice
along at the wake, my grandmother would have beaten me to a pulp.
Elsewhere in Clunky Exposition Central, teen queen and future American Gladiator Holly tells
her boyfriend, Elliot, a bunch of stuff he probably already knows:
"If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand
you... I like you, but my family doesn't like you. They say you're good for nothing and
that you spend way too much time with your friends."
Awesomely, Dad repeats this almost verbatim two scenes later.
Anyway, the fam heads out to the country "to live like peasants" for a month. Mom makes the
car ride special by demanding -- really, demanding -- little Josh sing for her amusement. If
there's anything more painful than participating in a rousing round of "Row Your Boat," it's
watching other people joylessly sing it.
* * * * (1990, 95 minutes, Rated PG-13)
The best dysfunctional family/road trip/horror movie the beef industry has ever made.
I'm going to let you in a little secret: There's only a few things you NEED to do to raise kids (hey,
if you can't get parenting advice from a web site that reviews bad movies, where can you get
it?). TV or no TV? Sugary snacks or healthy foods only? Doesn't matter. So long as you're
consistent -- when you say "no," that must mean "no" -- and have some kind of routine, you'll be
in good shape. Of course, you'll also want to actually spend time with the little ones: playing,
coloring, reading, etc. I'm a big believer in reading to kids, been doing it since the little Nolahns
were just hours old. Not only do you get to bond, but you also start developing their imagination
and story-telling abilities.
The grandfather in Troll 2 is also a big believer is reading stories to children. Unfortunately, he
uses his stories to scare the shit out of little Josh. The movie opens with Grandpa thoroughly
inappropriate story of how Peter and his stupid pointy hat was terrorized by "haughty creatures,
spiteful and impudent"... "the little people of the night." When Josh, on the verge of wetting
himself, asks Grandpa if there are such things as goblins (yes, goblins -- the word "troll" is never
used in Troll 2), he says YES.
In a twist worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, we quickly find out that Grandpa isn't really
there! (Or is he! You be the judge!) It comes to light that Grandpa passed away in a wonderful
bit of clunky exposition, courtesy of Josh's perpetually alarmed-looking mother:
"Grandpa Seth has been gone for more than six months now. You were at the funeral and
I know it was very difficult for you. It was also very difficult for your father and for
Holly and for me, his daughter."
Yes, a major highlight of this gem is the incredibly clunky dialogue. Here's another chestnut
from mom:
"Grandpa Seth will remain in all our hearts, but you must banish him from your mind."
My own grandfather passed away recently. Something tells me that if I tried to pass this advice
along at the wake, my grandmother would have beaten me to a pulp.
Elsewhere in Clunky Exposition Central, teen queen and future American Gladiator Holly tells
her boyfriend, Elliot, a bunch of stuff he probably already knows:
"If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand
you... I like you, but my family doesn't like you. They say you're good for nothing and
that you spend way too much time with your friends."
Awesomely, Dad repeats this almost verbatim two scenes later.
Anyway, the fam heads out to the country "to live like peasants" for a month. Mom makes the
car ride special by demanding -- really, demanding -- little Josh sing for her amusement. If
there's anything more painful than participating in a rousing round of "Row Your Boat," it's
watching other people joylessly sing it.
| Between the inappropriate bedtime stories, the visions of his dead grandfather and being forced to perform for his mother, little Josh is guaranteed a lifetime of therapy. |
The fam arrives at the farmhouse and meet the
family they'll be swapping abodes with. The other
family appears to be straight out of The Twilight
Zone, or are they simply... trollish? They've left a
banquet of day-glo pastries for our fam to enjoy,
but Grandpa materializes to warn Josh not to let
anyone eat the goodies. Grandpa even stops time
for 30 seconds to allow Josh to come up with a
brilliant plan. That plan? Hop on the table and
piss on the food. Nice.
To make a long story short (too late), the entire
town is populated with non-troll goblins and led by
family they'll be swapping abodes with. The other
family appears to be straight out of The Twilight
Zone, or are they simply... trollish? They've left a
banquet of day-glo pastries for our fam to enjoy,
but Grandpa materializes to warn Josh not to let
anyone eat the goodies. Grandpa even stops time
for 30 seconds to allow Josh to come up with a
brilliant plan. That plan? Hop on the table and
piss on the food. Nice.
To make a long story short (too late), the entire
town is populated with non-troll goblins and led by
a woman who was cast straight out of a dinner theater production of The Rocky Horror Picture
Show. This witchy woman claims that her ancestors came from Stonehenge. Okay, here's the
thing: for as interesting as Stonehenge is, it's basically an ancient man-made rock formation.
Show. This witchy woman claims that her ancestors came from Stonehenge. Okay, here's the
thing: for as interesting as Stonehenge is, it's basically an ancient man-made rock formation.
See? It's not like Stonehenge is a town or anything. Hell, it sits on the side of a highway.
Claiming your ancestors came from Stonehenge is like claiming your ancestors came from
Madison Square Garden.
Being from Stonehenge, Witchy Woman and her not-troll goblins are avid vegetarians who trick
their victims into eating phony-looking pastries. The pastries cause people to vomit green
cornsyrup and turn into plants... or be eaten... or turn into a not-troll goblin. It kinda depends on
what the plot requires at the time. Naturally, they're all undone by the power of bologna.
Other highlights? Rampant overacting, making your buddy run into town to buy food even
though you're camping in an RV, a sex scene involving that same RV filled with popcorn and
the mere idea that some production lackey had to seek out a platoon of little stuntpeople to
abuse.
In the course of the extensive research I do when writing these reviews (ahem), I discovered a
number of claims that Troll 2 is the "best worst movie" ever made. I wouldn't call it that exactly
-- it's no Deathstalker II-- but it is something special.
Claiming your ancestors came from Stonehenge is like claiming your ancestors came from
Madison Square Garden.
Being from Stonehenge, Witchy Woman and her not-troll goblins are avid vegetarians who trick
their victims into eating phony-looking pastries. The pastries cause people to vomit green
cornsyrup and turn into plants... or be eaten... or turn into a not-troll goblin. It kinda depends on
what the plot requires at the time. Naturally, they're all undone by the power of bologna.
Other highlights? Rampant overacting, making your buddy run into town to buy food even
though you're camping in an RV, a sex scene involving that same RV filled with popcorn and
the mere idea that some production lackey had to seek out a platoon of little stuntpeople to
abuse.
In the course of the extensive research I do when writing these reviews (ahem), I discovered a
number of claims that Troll 2 is the "best worst movie" ever made. I wouldn't call it that exactly
-- it's no Deathstalker II-- but it is something special.
Looking for some alternate opinions about Troll 2? Check out what 'Bin cohorts Badmovies.org
and Fatally Yours had to say about this gem.
and Fatally Yours had to say about this gem.
| Boogie all June long with these featured reviews! |
