TRANSMORPHERS
* (2007, 86 minutes, Rated R)
Succeeds in transforming Michael Bay's Transformers into Citizen Kane.
Simply by the nature of running this site, I have become familiar with the works of The Asylum. The
Asylum is a Hollywood-based production company known for making direct-to-DVD "mockbusters"
(though the studio, understandably, prefers the term "tie-ins"): cheaply made films with similar
titles of upcoming blockbusters, released within days of the blockbuster hitting the theaters.
I've actually taken on a few of these films: 100 Million B.C., piggy-backing off the release of Roland
Emmerich's already forgotten 10,000 B.C., and the surprisingly decent I Am Omega, released
along with Will Smith's I Am Legend.
And now, Transmorphers, riding off the hype of Transformers. I never thought I'd write this, but way
to make Michael Bay look like a great director, gang.
* (2007, 86 minutes, Rated R)
Succeeds in transforming Michael Bay's Transformers into Citizen Kane.
Simply by the nature of running this site, I have become familiar with the works of The Asylum. The
Asylum is a Hollywood-based production company known for making direct-to-DVD "mockbusters"
(though the studio, understandably, prefers the term "tie-ins"): cheaply made films with similar
titles of upcoming blockbusters, released within days of the blockbuster hitting the theaters.
I've actually taken on a few of these films: 100 Million B.C., piggy-backing off the release of Roland
Emmerich's already forgotten 10,000 B.C., and the surprisingly decent I Am Omega, released
along with Will Smith's I Am Legend.
And now, Transmorphers, riding off the hype of Transformers. I never thought I'd write this, but way
to make Michael Bay look like a great director, gang.
In case you're wondering, here's a list of things not
found in Transmorphers:
found in Transmorphers:
- Giant robots that turn into cars, trucks, jets or any
other kind of motor vehicle; - Giant robots that talk, have personalities, have
motivations or help geeky teenagers land girls
who look like Megan Fox; - Giant robots fighting other giant robots;
- Competent acting.
| Megan Fox (above) does not appear in Transmorphers. You're welcome. |
Instead, we get a movie that combines the implied parts
of the upcoming Terminator Salvation with all the crappy
parts of The Matrix trilogy: In 2009 (!), scientists discover
life on a far-off planet and send a message of peace and
friendship. Because this message likely included
episodes of "Barney & Friends," the far-off planet
responds by sending an invading force made out of
terrible CGI.
So now it's about a hundred years later, and the surviving
10% of the human population lives underground because
the robots has scorched the atmosphere (just like in The
Matrix!), though this doesn't prevent them from wearing
sunglasses when they come up to the surface. Despite
being in hiding for the past hundred years, the humans
look well-fed and have a seemingly endless supply of
ammo, black leather and eyeliner.
of the upcoming Terminator Salvation with all the crappy
parts of The Matrix trilogy: In 2009 (!), scientists discover
life on a far-off planet and send a message of peace and
friendship. Because this message likely included
episodes of "Barney & Friends," the far-off planet
responds by sending an invading force made out of
terrible CGI.
So now it's about a hundred years later, and the surviving
10% of the human population lives underground because
the robots has scorched the atmosphere (just like in The
Matrix!), though this doesn't prevent them from wearing
sunglasses when they come up to the surface. Despite
being in hiding for the past hundred years, the humans
look well-fed and have a seemingly endless supply of
ammo, black leather and eyeliner.
After the "tin heads" take out a whole squad while they were out on an incomprehensible mission,
the decision is made to take a loose cannon revolutionary and his buddy, "Itchy," out of deep
freeze. Their mission is to... eh... I dunno, I was pretty glazed over for much of the movie.
What? It wasn't my fault this time -- the movie is actively incoherent. I remember it making very
little sense... stuff like spending a third of the movie talking about how no one has ever taken out
one of the Transmorphers, only for Our Hero to reveal that his master plan requires taking out an
entire squad of Transmorphers. Adding to the general confusion is the snail-like pacing and a
whole bunch of story elements (a lesbian sub-plot, an android on the team, etc.) with absolutely no
pay-off.
Speaking of no pay-off, wanna know what the Transmorphers transmorph into? Big gun turrets.
Okay, perhaps that's more realistic than transmorphing into a Volkswagen Beetle or boom box, but
it's dead boring. I mean, a gun turret is a glorified building. I could make a joke here, except it was
already made for me... in Scene 37 of the 1988 film Big.
So... yeah, this movie boils down to a feature-length student film, and I don't mean that in a nice
way. And that's about all I have. Well, that and a hand puppet.
the decision is made to take a loose cannon revolutionary and his buddy, "Itchy," out of deep
freeze. Their mission is to... eh... I dunno, I was pretty glazed over for much of the movie.
What? It wasn't my fault this time -- the movie is actively incoherent. I remember it making very
little sense... stuff like spending a third of the movie talking about how no one has ever taken out
one of the Transmorphers, only for Our Hero to reveal that his master plan requires taking out an
entire squad of Transmorphers. Adding to the general confusion is the snail-like pacing and a
whole bunch of story elements (a lesbian sub-plot, an android on the team, etc.) with absolutely no
pay-off.
Speaking of no pay-off, wanna know what the Transmorphers transmorph into? Big gun turrets.
Okay, perhaps that's more realistic than transmorphing into a Volkswagen Beetle or boom box, but
it's dead boring. I mean, a gun turret is a glorified building. I could make a joke here, except it was
already made for me... in Scene 37 of the 1988 film Big.
So... yeah, this movie boils down to a feature-length student film, and I don't mean that in a nice
way. And that's about all I have. Well, that and a hand puppet.
| Above: A recommendation for the upcoming sequel Transmorphers: Fall of Man. Yes, there really is a sequel coming out for this movie. |
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