 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
THE ROOM
* * * * * (2003, 99 minutes, Rated R)
"You know what they say: Love is blind."
I love having movies recommended to me. It takes a lot of the guesswork out of my selection
process. I actually have a backlog of recommendations, so if I haven't gotten to your movie yet, rest
assured that I haven't forgotten.
So when my Partner in 'Cast, Jason Soto of Invasion of the B-Movies, highly recommended The
Room, I jumped all over it. I didn't need much of a push: the film has received enough hype to
reach my Fortress of Nolahnatude. Besides, if the movie was miserable, it would all be Jason's
fault.
* * * * * (2003, 99 minutes, Rated R)
"You know what they say: Love is blind."
I love having movies recommended to me. It takes a lot of the guesswork out of my selection
process. I actually have a backlog of recommendations, so if I haven't gotten to your movie yet, rest
assured that I haven't forgotten.
So when my Partner in 'Cast, Jason Soto of Invasion of the B-Movies, highly recommended The
Room, I jumped all over it. I didn't need much of a push: the film has received enough hype to
reach my Fortress of Nolahnatude. Besides, if the movie was miserable, it would all be Jason's
fault.
 |
Jason, you're off the hook. Like a velvet Elvis or a taco pizza, The Room is a thing of beauty.
We open with the swelling sounds of the Oscar Bait Orchestra. Johnny and his Rockin' Strands of
Artisan Hair have just come home after a long day at the office. In his strange, possibly made-up
accent that sounds like Jean-Claude Van Damme bit his tongue, Johnny surprises his "future
wife" Lisa with some lingerie. Lisa, with all the grace of a drunken moose, says that she's going
to try it on right now, and where's the porn groove?
The movie is certainly heading in that direction when Denny, the Eddie Haskel of our story,
waltzes in sitcom-style. "Oh, hi Denny," Johnny says, unpulsed by the fact that his lovin' was just
interrupted by the neighbor kid. What, no laugh track?
After chiding Denny for wanting to watch (!), our two lovebirds eventually do start to get it on, and
suddenly we're in a Keith Sweat video: the slow jam is jammin', rain is pouring down the window
pane and there's white satin and rose pedals everywhere. It is unquestionably the cheesiest sex
scene I've ever seen. It carries on far too long, and the fact that it ends with Johnny mounting Lisa
and making sweet, pumpy love to her bellybutton is just icing on the cake.
We open with the swelling sounds of the Oscar Bait Orchestra. Johnny and his Rockin' Strands of
Artisan Hair have just come home after a long day at the office. In his strange, possibly made-up
accent that sounds like Jean-Claude Van Damme bit his tongue, Johnny surprises his "future
wife" Lisa with some lingerie. Lisa, with all the grace of a drunken moose, says that she's going
to try it on right now, and where's the porn groove?
The movie is certainly heading in that direction when Denny, the Eddie Haskel of our story,
waltzes in sitcom-style. "Oh, hi Denny," Johnny says, unpulsed by the fact that his lovin' was just
interrupted by the neighbor kid. What, no laugh track?
After chiding Denny for wanting to watch (!), our two lovebirds eventually do start to get it on, and
suddenly we're in a Keith Sweat video: the slow jam is jammin', rain is pouring down the window
pane and there's white satin and rose pedals everywhere. It is unquestionably the cheesiest sex
scene I've ever seen. It carries on far too long, and the fact that it ends with Johnny mounting Lisa
and making sweet, pumpy love to her bellybutton is just icing on the cake.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| In case you're wondering, my Fortress of Nolahnatude looks exactly like this. |
| Johnny (writer/director Tommy Wiseau) brings out the sexy in the most cliche ways possible. |
Just in case you didn't get enough
of that sex scene, shots of it are
edited into later love scenes.
So it seems that everything is cool
in Johnny's world... OR IS IT??
Because only a scene or two later,
Lisa is lamenting to her mother
(cast straight out of Sitcom
Purgatory) that she's sick of
Johnny and wants to leave him.
This revelation, like many others
throughout the film, comes
absolutely out of nowhere.
of that sex scene, shots of it are
edited into later love scenes.
So it seems that everything is cool
in Johnny's world... OR IS IT??
Because only a scene or two later,
Lisa is lamenting to her mother
(cast straight out of Sitcom
Purgatory) that she's sick of
Johnny and wants to leave him.
This revelation, like many others
throughout the film, comes
absolutely out of nowhere.
(At least this one actually drives the story along. Later revelations that Lisa's mom has breast
cancer and that Lisa is faking a pregnancy are mentioned once and promptly forgotten about.)
Turns out that Lisa isn't too crazy about her mom, either. In a priceless bit of dialogue, Lisa
complains, "[My mom] wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with it. I'm going to do what I
want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?"
Lisa opts to seduce Johnny's best friend, Mark, and comes on to him with all the subtlety of a kick
in the nuts. Mark protests, but it doesn't take long for them to start slow jammin' on the staircase.
From this point on, the plot becomes unstuck in time, Desmond-style. Johnny states his overall
cancer and that Lisa is faking a pregnancy are mentioned once and promptly forgotten about.)
Turns out that Lisa isn't too crazy about her mom, either. In a priceless bit of dialogue, Lisa
complains, "[My mom] wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with it. I'm going to do what I
want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?"
Lisa opts to seduce Johnny's best friend, Mark, and comes on to him with all the subtlety of a kick
in the nuts. Mark protests, but it doesn't take long for them to start slow jammin' on the staircase.
From this point on, the plot becomes unstuck in time, Desmond-style. Johnny states his overall
| Desmond Hume from "Lost" would not appreciate being associated with The Room. |
happiness in life with such odd, ironic statements as “I’m so
happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.”
Lisa continues her Jeckyll/Hyde routine. Mark laments the fact
that he’s carrying on with his best friend’s girl, pausing long
enough to shag Lisa and make a few random Hyde turns of his
own. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Nearly all of the action takes place in Johnny and Lisa’s
apartment (“The Room,” I suppose), with a few breaks in the
action to go “throw the ol’ pigskin around” in an alley or to have
a chat on the Roof of Heart-to-Heart Discussions. My favorite
scene takes place here: A ruffian is hassling Denny for money
from some prior drug transaction, and all our main characters
show up (or, in the case of Lisa and her mom, teleport in) for
Big Exciting Drama. The scene achieves a level of cheese that
most folks can’t imagine -- it’s like a parody of an afterschool
special.
My lone knock against this film is that because there’s only one
happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.”
Lisa continues her Jeckyll/Hyde routine. Mark laments the fact
that he’s carrying on with his best friend’s girl, pausing long
enough to shag Lisa and make a few random Hyde turns of his
own. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Nearly all of the action takes place in Johnny and Lisa’s
apartment (“The Room,” I suppose), with a few breaks in the
action to go “throw the ol’ pigskin around” in an alley or to have
a chat on the Roof of Heart-to-Heart Discussions. My favorite
scene takes place here: A ruffian is hassling Denny for money
from some prior drug transaction, and all our main characters
show up (or, in the case of Lisa and her mom, teleport in) for
Big Exciting Drama. The scene achieves a level of cheese that
most folks can’t imagine -- it’s like a parody of an afterschool
special.
My lone knock against this film is that because there’s only one
way for this story to end, it feels like it takes forever to get to that moment. Until then, we’re in an
endless loop of odd declarations, wild mood swings and slow jam grinding. Plot points come and
go with little to no impact. Time lines are jumbled. Characters are introduced and promptly
disappear while other characters are not introduced by suddenly have key moments.
In short, the film plays like a soap opera made entirely by people suffering from concussions. It’s
a beautiful mess.
This cinematic achievement is the work of a Mr. Tommy Wiseau (who writes, directs, produces
and stars as Johnny). While promoting the film – it has quite the following in L.A., where midnight
showings of The Room are quite common – Mr. Wiseau has claimed that the movie is
intentionally bad and meant to be a comedy. I’m not buying that. Even if he purposely kept his
actors in the dark (which he claims), movies this bad can’t be faked.
In this regard, the comparisons to Ed Wood are totally appropriate. Bravo, sir!
endless loop of odd declarations, wild mood swings and slow jam grinding. Plot points come and
go with little to no impact. Time lines are jumbled. Characters are introduced and promptly
disappear while other characters are not introduced by suddenly have key moments.
In short, the film plays like a soap opera made entirely by people suffering from concussions. It’s
a beautiful mess.
This cinematic achievement is the work of a Mr. Tommy Wiseau (who writes, directs, produces
and stars as Johnny). While promoting the film – it has quite the following in L.A., where midnight
showings of The Room are quite common – Mr. Wiseau has claimed that the movie is
intentionally bad and meant to be a comedy. I’m not buying that. Even if he purposely kept his
actors in the dark (which he claims), movies this bad can’t be faked.
In this regard, the comparisons to Ed Wood are totally appropriate. Bravo, sir!
It's never too early to start your
Christmas shopping... Behold,
the Johnny Bobblehead!
Then, if you're looking for a
second opinion, you're in luck
cuz I have plenty for you to
choose from:
BADMOVIES.ORG
GEEKS OF DOOM
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES
THE MOVIE ENCYCLOPEDIA
Christmas shopping... Behold,
the Johnny Bobblehead!
Then, if you're looking for a
second opinion, you're in luck
cuz I have plenty for you to
choose from:
BADMOVIES.ORG
GEEKS OF DOOM
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES
THE MOVIE ENCYCLOPEDIA
And finally, swing by the Bloggin' Bin Revue for the latest edition of BAD
MOVIE, GOOD EATS, Nolahn's own soap opera spoof and more.
You can also hear the tale of Jason Soto meeting Tommy Wiseau in Episode
Two of Lair of the Unwanted or read about it at Invasion of the B-Movies.
MOVIE, GOOD EATS, Nolahn's own soap opera spoof and more.
You can also hear the tale of Jason Soto meeting Tommy Wiseau in Episode
Two of Lair of the Unwanted or read about it at Invasion of the B-Movies.